2011 Ponderings

This will not be the last post of this nature. I am sure that I will post another one on New Years Day, however this is my current thoughts that are floating through my head (pardon me if I am disjointed in thinking).

Around this time last year, I knew this year was going to be hard. I was sitting in a church service and a pastor from another campus was speaking and he was talking about people's hopes for the new year. He said that everyone always gets excited about a new year. It's like they expect the bad that happened in the prior year to just go away and the next year to be outrageously awesome.

As he was speaking, God impressed on my heart that 2011 was not going to be one of those outrageously awesome years for me. I was saddened, honestly. I wanted to have an awesome year because 2010 wasn't exactly a picnic, but, while I didn't set out to make 2011 a bad year, I was at least a little prepared for the road ahead.

And I am so thankful that God loves me enough to prepare my heart.

I have seen loss of friends, a boyfriend that I really REALLY got along with, disagreements with family, financial hardship, tumultuous work..... And through it all I have tried to remain graceful. I haven't always been successful. Sometimes those trials have seen me in my room, bawling my eyes out and asking God why He dislikes me so much.

Yup, I am quite capable of acting like I'm 2. I have a 5 year old son that has, on more than one occasion, provided a good example of what that looks like, so I'm schooled.

But to look at all that hurt and pain and stress, I can see where God is working. He has pulled people out of my life that had ulterior motives (which I only saw once they were gone), stripped me of every road I *could* have gone down that didn't lead to Him...all because He is a jealous God and He doesn't want me to want anything more than I want Him.

And that is exactly where He has me. Wanting Him more and more every day. Hungry for His word. Constantly asking for Him to empty me of myself and putting in my heart only the desires He has for me. Trust me, this is not easy, and there are days where I pray this prayer ten times because my flesh fights it, but it's worth it. It helps me to know that I am weak and I can't do this without Him.

I have seen the fruit of me wanting to do things my own way, and they were all fruitless. I have seen the fruit of waiting on Him, and the results are AMAZING!! I want amazing and I'm willing to wait for it.

God Bless you my friends! <3

Openness

Tonight I had dinner with a very dear and sweet friend. I love this woman. From the first time I met her while playing volleyball this past summer at my church, I felt SUCH a connection. Without knowing more than my name and that my son was very polite and sweet, she opened her heart to me and my heart followed. While I have not spent an exorbitant amount of time with her, the love I have for her just flows so deeply. She is truly someone I will have in my life, for the rest of my life.

Anyway, that to say, we had dinner this evening, and the openness was there. We shared parts of our past with each other; from the painful to the downright hilarious. When my son and I left, the *second* she shut the door, my son told me, "I really like her. She's the bestest!"

I just smiled and completely agreed.

We got in the car and he fell asleep nearly instantly and I just felt like my heart was over-flowing with being loved on and accepted and....heard. It's been a while since I have felt like I can be completely me and not feel like I have to hold something back for fear of being judged or corrected, or feeling like I'm an alien from a distant galaxy. She listened and gave me guidance out of love. She cried with me, she laughed with me, and before we left, she prayed over my son and I.

As I was driving home, I thought, "I wonder what the Bible has to say about openness?"

Google to the rescue!! (Don't judge, I don't have a concordance)

I came up with a few scriptures:

Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:4-7 NIV

This one shows us that we should have an open heart to God. Rejoicing in Him, but also letting our gentleness being evident to ALL.

Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven. Matthew 5:15-16 NIV

With this one, it makes me think of those days where I am having a bad day. Does my light shine particularly brightly on those days? Nope. There are days I feel like an absolute wretch, HOWEVER, this takes me back to a teachable moment with my son. He was looking at something that was supposed to glow in the dark, however we were standing just outside a store window that shed light on us. He was disappointed that it didn't glow brighter, yet it still glowed noticeably.

Then it hit me: When we are shining brightly in a brightly lit place (say, at church), sure our lights are bright, but sometimes it can be overlooked because people are expecting to see that brightness there. However, when our lights aren't shining particularly bright, but we are in a dark place, the light that is shining IS noticeable! Something as simple as an honest, "Thank you Jesus!", even when you are in a bad mood around others who may not be believers can lead to just about anything!

To pull this all together, lately I have felt like I am not connecting with ANYone. I feel like everyone puts on this mask of "My life is PERFECT!", except I see the hurt and pain and fear in their eyes. I so badly just want to hold them and listen to them and, while I can't promise them that it will be okay, I WANT to comfort them, I WANT to tell them that, regardless of how they feel, God really DOES care! He is hurting WITH them!! He is scared WITH them! He is reaching out TO them and just begging them to trust Him.

No one will be able to stand against you all the days of your life. As I was with Moses, so I will be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake you. Joshua 1:5 NIV

I don't know where this is going, but I know God has something for me in this. Maybe I need to step forward and be more open with people I'm afraid to be open to for whatever reason. Maybe I need to slow down and allow time for someone to not just tell me a quick, "Hey, will you pray for me about something?", but instead, sit down with them on the spot, listen to their heart, and pray with them ON THE SPOT.

I have another very dear friend that does that for me. I have called her bawling for various reasons over the last four years and, though she has four children, (was formerly a stay at home mom, but now works), a husband and enough extra curricular activities to wear anyone out just thinking about them, she has dropped all of that to *listen* to me and pray for me. Can I just say that the first time she did that I was seriously taken aback? I wasn't expecting it, and I admire her for that.

I want to be that person. I pray for people on a daily basis, however the power of praying OVER someone...just...wow. There are no words. The comfort that her prayers have brought me over the years is astounding, and I now pray that I am that kind of person from today and going forward. It takes a boldness that I don't even know if I have, but I'm certainly going to step out in that direction and just trust that the words I speak will be from God and not from myself.

Good night dear friends. May God bless and keep you. <3

Afterthought

The last couple of days have been...interesting. God has brought to my attention that I have always considered myself an afterthought. As such, I have always allowed other people to treat me as an afterthought.

Someone who is disposable.
Someone who doesn't matter.
Someone whose feelings are, essentially, vapor.

Invisible.

Family.
Friends.
Boyfriends...

This has really made me think about where God has me right now. In the past, I always seemed to have a guy or two that I was talking to that had an interest in me. I would tire of them quickly because they seemed like photocopies of each other and they were all the kinds of guys that I had dated before I asked Jesus into my heart. Last year it hit me: Maybe I am the problem.

Turns out I was. I asked God to change me, and He did. Now? Not one even semi-interested party to be found.

I admit this, not with even an ounce of pride, but because as I was laying here, after a long day filled with God showing Himself through me, I was looking through facebook and seeing all the happy couples and a pang of not feeling good enough for a man to even like me, let alone love me was there. Even jealousy.

And God showed up.

‎"If I find in myself desires which nothing in this world can satisfy, the only logical explanation is that I was made for another world." ~ C.S. Lewis

Maybe, just maybe, I am the problem again. Maybe I have treated God like an afterthought. I asked God to help me to fall in love with Him, and those feelings of not being good enough and jealousy have started to ease.

I know there is going to be more to this. It's been a long day and I kind of want to cry (and I will cry - I've gotten really good at that lately), but this is a start in a really good direction. "For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime; weeping may stay for the night, but rejoicing comes in the morning." Psalm 30:5

While I may not be where *I* would prefer to be, I am quite thankful that God loves me enough to bring me here so that He can open my heart and help me see where I need to grow...and what I need pruned.

God bless you my friends, with love beyond compare, grace beyond reason, and peace that invades your heart and soul.

1 Kings 19

"The Lord said, "Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the Lord, for the Lord is about to pass by." Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake came a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper. When Elijah heard it, he pulled his cloak over his face and went out and stood at the mouth of the cave. Then a voice said to him, "What are you doing here, Elijah?" 1 Kings 19:11-13

WOW!!! WOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOW!!!

So many people these days feel like the big, bad, ugly things that happen are signs from God and act accordingly. They rarely stop and consider that maybe all those big sounds and shows don't have God in them anywhere. Even more rarely do they stop and listen to that gentle voice that is asking them a question, even as simple a question as, "What are you doing here?"

I have seen God act in MIGHTY ways in my life. Me being a single mom for over 5 years and, many times, having to FULLY rely on God for provision in our lives is definitely at the top of that list. There were days where I didn't know how I was going to feed Gideon, let alone how I was going to find food for myself, but God knew. He knew every time where that provision was coming from.

But I will also never forget those moments where I was so close to Him that I could hear his gentle voice whispering to me, comforting me, loving on me...all when I needed it the most, when my world was crumbling down and I didn't feel like I had the strength to continue.

"Elijah was afraid and ran for his life. When he came to Beersheba in Judah, he left his servant there, while he himself went a day's journey into the desert. He came to a broom tree, sat down under it and prayed that he might die. "I have had enough, Lord," he said. "Take my life; I am no better than my ancestors." Then he lay down under the tree and fell asleep." 1 Kings 19:3-5

Have I been there? Absolutely. I think we all have. The next part is just as awesome:

"All at once and angel touched him and said, "Get up and eat." He looked around, and there by his head was a cake of bread baked over hot coals, and a jar of water. He ate and drank and then lay down again." 1 Kings 19:5b-6

Though Elijah wanted so badly to die, God was merciful on him and sent an angel to nourish him.

"The angel of the Lord came back a second time and touched him and said, "Get up and eat, for the journey is too much for you." So he got up and ate and drank. Strengthened by that food, he traveled forty days and forty nights until he reached Horeb, the mountain of God. There he went into a cave and spent the night." 1 Kings 19:7-9

God KNOWS that the journey set before you going to be too hard for you to handle! That is why He sends up angels and provision, whether those angels are straight from Heaven, or from someone here on earth that is obedient to God's wishes and provides accordingly. I have seen both in my life, even before I accepted God into my heart.

Take heart in this bit of scripture! God KNOWS you are dealing with a lot, but He hasn't forgotten you!! Look for the angels that He is sending! But most importantly, listen for His voice. Sometimes it is big, but sometimes it is small and quiet and the only thing you need to do to hear Him is....be still.

God bless you my friends!

There's a wall. "Where?" *thud*

This week has been difficult to keep up the exercise. Gideon is starting Kindergarten and there's a LOT that you have to do in order to get it all together and registered and ready. Tonight as I was reflecting on feeling burnt out (with pretty much life in general), it occurred to me, again, like this is much like faith.

When you first ask Jesus into your heart, you feel a rush of hope and love and grace and like you could go out and conquer the world! Much like deciding, "I'm going to finally start taking care of my body!!" And you go out and work out and feel good and feel tired and that feels GOOD.

Then the new-ness wears off.

In your faith, that typically means a storm comes and you are reeling from the onslaught. You hope your faith is like a mustard seed. "He replied, "Because you have so little faith. I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you."" Matthew 17:20. In reality, you want to find the nearest hole, no matter how small it may be, and bury yourself as deeply as possible, and then maybe just a little more for added assurance.

In diet and exercise (when you haven't done much of that for a while), I have gotten to the point where the new-ness has rubbed completely off and now I'm tired. My body is sore (good sore) and the gallon of ice cream in my freezer (it's more like a pint) is calling my name. Unfortunately for some who have dealt with overeating their entire lives, the closest hole they can find to run to is...the refrigerator.

Though that is what I WANTED to do tonight, it is not what I actually DID. I instead got up and exercised. General calisthenics, but just something to keep me moving and away from the fridge. It worked!

I have been on a team on myfitnesspal.com since the beginning of August and the people that I have met there are amazing and so inspirational. I have noticed that I am doing the daily challenges without doing much more in addition to (like we are supposed to be doing). I also know that I haven't been going to bed early and thus making me more tired and less likely to get up and do more.

Spiritually, we need to find rest. True rest is only found in quiet time and reading the Bible and truly listening to/for God to speak into our lives, much like sleep is essential for our bodies so that we can get up and do things without "I'm tired" coming to visit.

I am definitely looking forward to sleep tonight and a three day weekend. Renewal of the mind, body and spirit is what is in my cards right now.

God bless and good night my friends!

Things I'm Learning

I'm learning a lot in my journey to health. It's not very unlike my spiritual walk. When I first gave my life over to God, I felt amazing, like I could conquer the world and all the evils therein. When I first started this journey three weeks ago (on July 20th, to be exact), I felt awesome, like I could conquer this fat and everyone else's with mine.

Then reality hits. Like a freight train hauling cinder blocks.

The tests come.

In food, every food that you love (that's not healthy) is EVERYWHERE. It's difficult to turn it down, but I know if I do, it'll pay off. This is not to say that I don't eat things that aren't uber healthy for me, because I do, but I am now a lot more conscious of how much I eat. I also track my calories (something I never thought I would actually do ever in my life) so that I can see what I'm doing right and what I'm doing wrong so that I can make subtle positive changes.

In exercise, every reason to not get off my butt is there. I'm tired, I'm sore, my knee hurts, my ankle hurts, I worked a lot, I'm stressed.... All good reasons to get up and DO something. A stroll around the block, a walk on the treadmill, some yoga..... Anything to keep moving. I have learned that exercise helps me to de-stress after a bad day at work. I have also learned that there is a runner's high that makes me feel absolutely amazing after I run (even if I run for not very long...and even if I'm not totally enjoying the run while I'm doing it).

In my spiritual walk, every reason to not spend time in the Word and praying show themselves, however when I do read on a daily basis and journal and, well, this blog very much counts into that as well, I feel close to God. When I make excuses to not spend time in the Word and pray and blog, it feels like God couldn't be further away from me if He tried.

Also in the spiritual walk is not just the quiet time, but it's also the living it out. Volunteering, finding a way to serve people outside the church as well (helping someone get a can off the top shelf at the grocery store, smiling at someone and saying something kind to them when they look like they couldn't be having a worse day if they tried), etc..

I know there is going to be more lessons for me to learn along the way, but these are the first couple. I am definitely looking forward to the rest of the journey!

Something New

So I posted on my FB last night that I have a new post coming, and here it is! Something is new in my life that makes me feel totally different.

What is that *thing*?

Exercise and taking care of my body. Yes this is new. Until now, I felt selfish for spending time in the gym and taking care of myself. I felt like I was being selfish when, in fact, it is not. If I don't take care of my physical body, who will? And if you don't take care of you, how can you expect yourself to take care of others? I don't know of a way for me to allow someone else to take my body and go for a jog or to yoga or anything else.

On top of that, God put US in control of our bodies. "Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body."
1 Corinthians 6:19-20 He gave them to us as a gift, and asks us to take care of it.

By me not working out and eating properly, I have become fat. I don't want to be fat any more. This isn't for a guy (guys are a dime a dozen), this is for God and me and for my son. I want to glorify God in the body that He gave me, I want to show Gideon what dedication looks like. Gideon knows what work looks like because he has seen me do that plenty all his life. Now I'm upping the stakes. Yes it is good to work, but not all the time. Yes it is good to exercise, but in moderation (if you hurt yourself, how much good are you going to be able to do?). It's good to eat, but in moderation.

So this is the new thing in my life. Have I tried and failed at this before? Yes. At one point I tried and succeeded, but I did it for the wrong reasons. Once that reason evaporated, I spiraled again. I have come to understand that I am worth me taking care of myself.

"Though a righteous man falls seven times, he rises again". Proverbs 24:16 (NIV)

It doesn't matter how many times you have fallen or failed, the only time you ever lose is when you stop trying. REFUSE TO GIVE UP!!! I will never be skinny. God did not design me to be skinny, but I can be fit and I can be active and I can lessen the chances of me getting type II diabetes and a host of other obesity-related diseases that run in my family that are avoidable through diet and exercise.

My biggest hurdle is going to be balancing everything:

Spending time with God
Being a single mom
Being employed full time
Spending time with my family
Volunteering
Working out

I know I can do this. I may have to step back some of my volunteer work (I have already done this recently through the moving process), but not giving up on it entirely. I love giving my time to my church and to people I can influence. I will be able to do that better and, more than likely, in different ways, once I begin to see the weight come off.

Anyway, so this is a new chapter in my journey. I'd love for you to follow along. I'll be posting pictures as I progress.

God, bless my friends. <3