HOPE in The LORD

Over the last couple of days, I have come to a breaking point. Rather, God has seen me walk around and around and around the same mountain, ad nosium, and He finally put me in a place where I was willing and open to seeing that the desires I have carried and prayed for since I found out I was pregnant....may never come to pass in this life.

That is HARD to fully realize.

For some, it may be even more difficult to accept that the things that are hard in their lives now may never get any easier. I'm not trying to say that God is a cosmic kill-joy. He's not.

‎"Though the fig tree should not blossom, nor fruit be on the vines, the produce of the olive fail and the fields yield no food, the flock be cut off from the fold and there be no herd in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the LORD; I will take joy in the God of my salvation."
-Habakkuk 3:17-19

God wants to bring us to a place of brokenness so that we can see our desperate need for Him. That is exactly where He has me. I have hoped for six years, for a husband for me and a dad for my son. That is a big hope. Huge. I have taken many trips around the oh poor me mountain. I have dated men who only have a hope in getting a piece of ass and couldn't tell you anything more than superficial thoughts about God.

And my hope was in a flawed human being and not in the God of the universe.

As God has taken the last couple of nights to bring me here, one of those nights was shared with my small group. I love these people, but let me just be transparent and honest - one of my biggest fears (I know I am not alone in this) is speaking in front of people...rather, it is having a million pairs of eyes on me and me being the only source of distraction. Towards the end of our study, all three of my friends there (and the one that was there in spirit because she was not able to be there in person) looked at me. Not just looked...stared. One of my friends said something along the lines of, "I feel like there is something you need to say..."

Immediately I went deer-in-headlights. Was there something I had to say? It had been a very heavy day mentally/emotionally, sure, but....crap....there was. I couldn't open my mouth without tearing up. I managed to start talking and things just started to come out. I'm not entirely sure it was all coherent as crying was still very much part of the mouth opening process, but I started talking and leaning into God in my breaking process. They were all very supportive and just listened and added to when it was necessary, but mostly just listening.

The following day (yesterday as of the time of this post), I listened to the next sermon for next week's small group. That was hard to listen to because I was still very emotionally fragile. Hearing something that I have always feared but never dared to fully connect to: The deepest desires of my heart could never be fulfilled in this lifetime. My desire to get married and have more children and provide a father for my son....could never happen.

That was not easy to speak last night. In fact, I kind of felt like a 2 year old throwing a fit because it is possible that I could not get my way. This morning I took my son to Starbucks because I really needed coffee, so we sat there for a bit and he played on his tablet while I read Habakkuk and wrote in my journal. Writing those words was difficult. Now typing them? It's actually gotten a bit easier. I know it typically takes me 24 hours to adjust to a new truth, so I'm about 12 hours into that adjustment.

Now, this is not to say that I am dead set on not ever getting married and having more children...etc...however God has taken me to a place where I no longer hope in that circumstance or view my life now as less than ideal. God has me where I am needed, whether I see why or not. It really isn't for me to see why and judge it as good or bad.

As I have come to this realization, a couple of quotes that came to me through a sermon and a friend:

"Walking through trials necessitates that we listen to truth, regardless of if it says something we don't want to hear." ~ Dr. David Platt

"It is not true to say that God wants to teach us something in our trials: through every cloud He brings, He wants us to unlearn something." ~ Oswald Chambers


So, here I am. My hope being fully and completely in God. The one who made the heavens and the earth, beast and plant alike, every human being, every human doing, that uses the good and the bad circumstances for His will. That is my hope.

"Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for He who promised is faithful. And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds. let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another - and all the more as you see the Day approaching." Hebrews 10:23-25

God's rich and abundant love and grace over all of you.

B

Plow and Harvest

"A sluggard does not plow in season; so at harvest time he looks but finds nothing." Proverbs 20:4

You know what I love? I love that the living God still speaks through His Word. Even on January 20th, 2012. The above verse was given to me as I was driving to work. I was stuck in traffic and trying not to hurl insults or ugly words at those in front of me who were...well, when you get down to it, the only issue I had with them is that they were in front of me instead of behind me.

So I pulled my Bible out. A Proverb a day and all. When I ran across this, it brought to mind something that I have been dealing with lately. Relationships. Not in a boyfriend/girlfriend kind of way, but in a family way.

This verse doesn't JUST apply to a lazy farmer, it can also apply to relationships. There are seasons in relationships just as there are seasons in life. In some seasons, you are doing the hard work; plowing (getting to know someone on a more intimate level - deeper than what you see on Facebook!!!). In some seasons, you are harvesting the result of that hard work/getting to know someone.

However, if in those seasons of plowing, you find yourself throwing mud instead, when it comes to the season of harvest, you show up, but there is nothing there. You find the person you threw mud at, stepped on, pushed around, or ignored now covered in mud, hurting, and mad. And you are covered in that same mud, hurting and mad as well.

I know what you are probably thinking: How do I get past this? That's an awesome question!


I haven't the faintest idea, however I know God will help me through. I know that I have to take responsibility for my part of the mud throwing. I know this is going to be humbling. I know I am scared because what if I start to mend these fences and all I get is mud thrown at me? And how do I stop myself from throwing mud back? No, it is not going to be easy, but I know it will ultimately be worth it.

As I was praying about this issue this morning, it occurred to me: In a personal relationship, man/woman, God instructs us to keep ourselves pure until marriage.

" Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral." Hebrews 13:4

This morning I totally got WHY!!! In our dating relationships, if we are too busy indulging in each other's flesh instead of getting to know each other, when it comes to the time of harvest, we won't have anything to stand on. I have absolutely NO authority on this, which is probably why the above explanation sounds choppy at best, however I discussed it with one of my married friends and she confirmed that this is accurate.

Really, really put a perspective on relationships as a whole.

I will keep you up to date as God moves and works on this. Pray for me friends.

God bless.

Thinking About Next Year

As with most people, my thoughts around this time of year lead me to think about next year. God has impressed on my heart a few things that I want to write out here.


Spiritual Walk:

I want to continue my spiritual growth. I have grown a lot since Thanksgiving, much credit and thanks goes to my Tuesday evening small group. I have fallen in love with each person that is in that group, both as a group and as individuals. They push me to grow in my faith, and that is a gift that is truly something I cannot repay.

I also want to continue to be intentional about the people I spend time with. I have done a descent job of touching base with people when they are on my heart, whether it is through a quick text or a phone call. Can I even tell you how difficult it is to call someone out of the blue and say, "I was thinking about you and praying for you and wanted you to know that I care and I hope all is well with you."? I know it doesn't *sound* difficult, however coming from someone (me) that hasn't ever stepped out of their (my) comfort zone, it's a little nerve wracking. I know it will get easier.


Work:

I do it a lot. I love my job, but I miss a lot of time with my son because of how much I work. Not that I work more than is necessary to support us, however I have not budgeted my Vacation/PTO time to coincide with his schedule. With him going to school now, breaks are planned a year ahead of time, which makes things a bit easier to juggle. This year I will be budgeting a week off so that he and I can spend his spring break together. I am praying for something fun and economical to do, and I have a few ideas, but I'm not ready to put them up here just yet.


Personal Health:

Though I have taken the last six weeks off, and I know I'm going to pay for that, I am going to continue taking care of myself and taking care of the temple God provided me. I felt good when I worked out. Thankfully I have gotten over feeling like taking care of myself is selfish. I'm becoming better equipped with prioritizing and making sure I can get quality time with God in on a daily basis, quality time for myself, working, and quality time with Gideon, as well as spending time with family and friends.

I'm not going to lie, all of that is a tall order, however it is something that is interesting as it develops. Do I make everyone happy all the time? Nope, but that's not my job, I have discovered. I'd rather have quality time with people rather than quantity time with people. The only two on this planet that this doesn't apply to is God and my son.


Household:

I found this really interesting daily decluttering/organizing calendar on Pinterest (which I am totally addicted to - Pinterest, not the calendar) that gives you a daily task to complete and by the end of the year, you will have gone through your entire house (what seems like) ten times. I'll be lucky to have anything left by year's end. LOL Here's the link if you are interested in checking it out: http://www.mysimplerlife.com/2012.htm

So I'm looking forward to 2012 with a renewed sense of hope. I know I'll have bumps along the road, but that's okay. God didn't promise us a smooth ride, but He DID promise us a safe landing.

God bless and good night friends. <3

2011 Ponderings

This will not be the last post of this nature. I am sure that I will post another one on New Years Day, however this is my current thoughts that are floating through my head (pardon me if I am disjointed in thinking).

Around this time last year, I knew this year was going to be hard. I was sitting in a church service and a pastor from another campus was speaking and he was talking about people's hopes for the new year. He said that everyone always gets excited about a new year. It's like they expect the bad that happened in the prior year to just go away and the next year to be outrageously awesome.

As he was speaking, God impressed on my heart that 2011 was not going to be one of those outrageously awesome years for me. I was saddened, honestly. I wanted to have an awesome year because 2010 wasn't exactly a picnic, but, while I didn't set out to make 2011 a bad year, I was at least a little prepared for the road ahead.

And I am so thankful that God loves me enough to prepare my heart.

I have seen loss of friends, a boyfriend that I really REALLY got along with, disagreements with family, financial hardship, tumultuous work..... And through it all I have tried to remain graceful. I haven't always been successful. Sometimes those trials have seen me in my room, bawling my eyes out and asking God why He dislikes me so much.

Yup, I am quite capable of acting like I'm 2. I have a 5 year old son that has, on more than one occasion, provided a good example of what that looks like, so I'm schooled.

But to look at all that hurt and pain and stress, I can see where God is working. He has pulled people out of my life that had ulterior motives (which I only saw once they were gone), stripped me of every road I *could* have gone down that didn't lead to Him...all because He is a jealous God and He doesn't want me to want anything more than I want Him.

And that is exactly where He has me. Wanting Him more and more every day. Hungry for His word. Constantly asking for Him to empty me of myself and putting in my heart only the desires He has for me. Trust me, this is not easy, and there are days where I pray this prayer ten times because my flesh fights it, but it's worth it. It helps me to know that I am weak and I can't do this without Him.

I have seen the fruit of me wanting to do things my own way, and they were all fruitless. I have seen the fruit of waiting on Him, and the results are AMAZING!! I want amazing and I'm willing to wait for it.

God Bless you my friends! <3

Openness

Tonight I had dinner with a very dear and sweet friend. I love this woman. From the first time I met her while playing volleyball this past summer at my church, I felt SUCH a connection. Without knowing more than my name and that my son was very polite and sweet, she opened her heart to me and my heart followed. While I have not spent an exorbitant amount of time with her, the love I have for her just flows so deeply. She is truly someone I will have in my life, for the rest of my life.

Anyway, that to say, we had dinner this evening, and the openness was there. We shared parts of our past with each other; from the painful to the downright hilarious. When my son and I left, the *second* she shut the door, my son told me, "I really like her. She's the bestest!"

I just smiled and completely agreed.

We got in the car and he fell asleep nearly instantly and I just felt like my heart was over-flowing with being loved on and accepted and....heard. It's been a while since I have felt like I can be completely me and not feel like I have to hold something back for fear of being judged or corrected, or feeling like I'm an alien from a distant galaxy. She listened and gave me guidance out of love. She cried with me, she laughed with me, and before we left, she prayed over my son and I.

As I was driving home, I thought, "I wonder what the Bible has to say about openness?"

Google to the rescue!! (Don't judge, I don't have a concordance)

I came up with a few scriptures:

Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:4-7 NIV

This one shows us that we should have an open heart to God. Rejoicing in Him, but also letting our gentleness being evident to ALL.

Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven. Matthew 5:15-16 NIV

With this one, it makes me think of those days where I am having a bad day. Does my light shine particularly brightly on those days? Nope. There are days I feel like an absolute wretch, HOWEVER, this takes me back to a teachable moment with my son. He was looking at something that was supposed to glow in the dark, however we were standing just outside a store window that shed light on us. He was disappointed that it didn't glow brighter, yet it still glowed noticeably.

Then it hit me: When we are shining brightly in a brightly lit place (say, at church), sure our lights are bright, but sometimes it can be overlooked because people are expecting to see that brightness there. However, when our lights aren't shining particularly bright, but we are in a dark place, the light that is shining IS noticeable! Something as simple as an honest, "Thank you Jesus!", even when you are in a bad mood around others who may not be believers can lead to just about anything!

To pull this all together, lately I have felt like I am not connecting with ANYone. I feel like everyone puts on this mask of "My life is PERFECT!", except I see the hurt and pain and fear in their eyes. I so badly just want to hold them and listen to them and, while I can't promise them that it will be okay, I WANT to comfort them, I WANT to tell them that, regardless of how they feel, God really DOES care! He is hurting WITH them!! He is scared WITH them! He is reaching out TO them and just begging them to trust Him.

No one will be able to stand against you all the days of your life. As I was with Moses, so I will be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake you. Joshua 1:5 NIV

I don't know where this is going, but I know God has something for me in this. Maybe I need to step forward and be more open with people I'm afraid to be open to for whatever reason. Maybe I need to slow down and allow time for someone to not just tell me a quick, "Hey, will you pray for me about something?", but instead, sit down with them on the spot, listen to their heart, and pray with them ON THE SPOT.

I have another very dear friend that does that for me. I have called her bawling for various reasons over the last four years and, though she has four children, (was formerly a stay at home mom, but now works), a husband and enough extra curricular activities to wear anyone out just thinking about them, she has dropped all of that to *listen* to me and pray for me. Can I just say that the first time she did that I was seriously taken aback? I wasn't expecting it, and I admire her for that.

I want to be that person. I pray for people on a daily basis, however the power of praying OVER someone...just...wow. There are no words. The comfort that her prayers have brought me over the years is astounding, and I now pray that I am that kind of person from today and going forward. It takes a boldness that I don't even know if I have, but I'm certainly going to step out in that direction and just trust that the words I speak will be from God and not from myself.

Good night dear friends. May God bless and keep you. <3

Afterthought

The last couple of days have been...interesting. God has brought to my attention that I have always considered myself an afterthought. As such, I have always allowed other people to treat me as an afterthought.

Someone who is disposable.
Someone who doesn't matter.
Someone whose feelings are, essentially, vapor.

Invisible.

Family.
Friends.
Boyfriends...

This has really made me think about where God has me right now. In the past, I always seemed to have a guy or two that I was talking to that had an interest in me. I would tire of them quickly because they seemed like photocopies of each other and they were all the kinds of guys that I had dated before I asked Jesus into my heart. Last year it hit me: Maybe I am the problem.

Turns out I was. I asked God to change me, and He did. Now? Not one even semi-interested party to be found.

I admit this, not with even an ounce of pride, but because as I was laying here, after a long day filled with God showing Himself through me, I was looking through facebook and seeing all the happy couples and a pang of not feeling good enough for a man to even like me, let alone love me was there. Even jealousy.

And God showed up.

‎"If I find in myself desires which nothing in this world can satisfy, the only logical explanation is that I was made for another world." ~ C.S. Lewis

Maybe, just maybe, I am the problem again. Maybe I have treated God like an afterthought. I asked God to help me to fall in love with Him, and those feelings of not being good enough and jealousy have started to ease.

I know there is going to be more to this. It's been a long day and I kind of want to cry (and I will cry - I've gotten really good at that lately), but this is a start in a really good direction. "For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime; weeping may stay for the night, but rejoicing comes in the morning." Psalm 30:5

While I may not be where *I* would prefer to be, I am quite thankful that God loves me enough to bring me here so that He can open my heart and help me see where I need to grow...and what I need pruned.

God bless you my friends, with love beyond compare, grace beyond reason, and peace that invades your heart and soul.

1 Kings 19

"The Lord said, "Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the Lord, for the Lord is about to pass by." Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake came a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper. When Elijah heard it, he pulled his cloak over his face and went out and stood at the mouth of the cave. Then a voice said to him, "What are you doing here, Elijah?" 1 Kings 19:11-13

WOW!!! WOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOW!!!

So many people these days feel like the big, bad, ugly things that happen are signs from God and act accordingly. They rarely stop and consider that maybe all those big sounds and shows don't have God in them anywhere. Even more rarely do they stop and listen to that gentle voice that is asking them a question, even as simple a question as, "What are you doing here?"

I have seen God act in MIGHTY ways in my life. Me being a single mom for over 5 years and, many times, having to FULLY rely on God for provision in our lives is definitely at the top of that list. There were days where I didn't know how I was going to feed Gideon, let alone how I was going to find food for myself, but God knew. He knew every time where that provision was coming from.

But I will also never forget those moments where I was so close to Him that I could hear his gentle voice whispering to me, comforting me, loving on me...all when I needed it the most, when my world was crumbling down and I didn't feel like I had the strength to continue.

"Elijah was afraid and ran for his life. When he came to Beersheba in Judah, he left his servant there, while he himself went a day's journey into the desert. He came to a broom tree, sat down under it and prayed that he might die. "I have had enough, Lord," he said. "Take my life; I am no better than my ancestors." Then he lay down under the tree and fell asleep." 1 Kings 19:3-5

Have I been there? Absolutely. I think we all have. The next part is just as awesome:

"All at once and angel touched him and said, "Get up and eat." He looked around, and there by his head was a cake of bread baked over hot coals, and a jar of water. He ate and drank and then lay down again." 1 Kings 19:5b-6

Though Elijah wanted so badly to die, God was merciful on him and sent an angel to nourish him.

"The angel of the Lord came back a second time and touched him and said, "Get up and eat, for the journey is too much for you." So he got up and ate and drank. Strengthened by that food, he traveled forty days and forty nights until he reached Horeb, the mountain of God. There he went into a cave and spent the night." 1 Kings 19:7-9

God KNOWS that the journey set before you going to be too hard for you to handle! That is why He sends up angels and provision, whether those angels are straight from Heaven, or from someone here on earth that is obedient to God's wishes and provides accordingly. I have seen both in my life, even before I accepted God into my heart.

Take heart in this bit of scripture! God KNOWS you are dealing with a lot, but He hasn't forgotten you!! Look for the angels that He is sending! But most importantly, listen for His voice. Sometimes it is big, but sometimes it is small and quiet and the only thing you need to do to hear Him is....be still.

God bless you my friends!