Trusting Through the Tiredness

I'm tired.

Worse, I know you can relate. We spend a whole lot of our time going and doing and running and...and...and.... that it becomes overwhelming, tiring, and makes us feel like we can't catch our breath. And that's where I find myself today. Not because today was a particularly hard or taxing. I went to work and got a lot done, but it was all done at a normal/sane pace.

I'm overwhelmed because I looked at my calendar for this weekend and was appalled by the amount of STUFF I had to do. No, strike that, the amount of stuff I have the opportunity to do. Tomorrow was definitely the most overwhelming. I know that there are seasons where we go through life going and doing and being, but there are days, like today, where I look at my calendar and wonder how it is that Webster hasn't called me to ask permission to give my scheduled as an example for "crazy". Perhaps they should just use one of my selfies.

When I posted on FB about the crazy schedule, a dear sweet friend, Jennifer over at http://www.runningpastormom.com, commented that maybe I should not do some stuff. I love how wise she is. But she reminded me that all of my plans (okay, most of them) are optional and that I am one person doing the job of many, and sometimes I really just can't do EVERYTHING.

So, I made a decision. I'm just not going to do everything that I have the opportunity to do. I was going to get a TV from a friend tomorrow, but opted for today instead. When I got down to her neighborhood, I was early and decided to take a walk and just breathe. She lives in a tired neighborhood - have you ever heard of neighborhoods referred to as that? I have, and I have been in a few, but it seemed very apt that I was in a tired neighborhood, taking a walk. I even took a picture for you:

It's a very quaint neighborhood, and as I was walking, I was praying; praying for my Tuesday Women's Bible Study gals, praying for my choir people, praying for my Thursday Bible study group...and then I turned another corner in the neighborhood, and as I was staring to pray over things in my life, I came upon a cute little church with a very simple sign:

Sometimes God answers you by placing people and/or things in your life, and sometimes He spells it out for you. He knows me well.

While things in my life sometimes seem crazy and my prayers go unanswered, I know it's not because God doesn't know or care, because I know He knows and cares more than I could ever understand. Sometimes He just wants us to trust Him with our mundane while He works out the bigger things.

As for me, you will find me behind my sewing machine for a time, and then curled up with my son and pup, watching a movie and enjoying what God is doing in our lives.

God bless you my friends.

Knocking The Dust Off

I'm blogging tonight because, well, I miss writing off the cuff. Whether or not anyone reads this is negligible, really. I miss writing. I miss this creative outlet that purges the soul. Tonight, as I was on my way to the emergency vet, with the pup we got less than a month ago, I was thinking about this post, and I was thinking about why I write, and I realized that I write because life is overwhelming. I write a LOT because life is VERY overwhelming.

In the last couple of years since I stopped blogging, I have gone through therapy, semi-starting a quilting/sewing business, a very stupid (but thankfully short lived) relationship, dealing with the issues surrounding my weight, and getting a dog. That's a lot in 2 years. And it is why I am writing.

The newest addition is the dog. His name is Justice and he is pekingese/beagle mix. Barking is at a minimum, but MERCY is he stubborn! And expensive. My finances haven't caught up with the newest member of our household (the dog), so things are tight right now, but after a LOT of prayer and many tears and a good measure of stress and anxiety, I'm at a place of peace. God has come through in some very big ways in the past, so I am at a place of trust. Trusting that He will be glorified through my circumstances.

My son and the dog are best of friends. This is my first dog as an adult, and my son's first dog ever. They are pretty well bonded, which is nice, but with these recent medical issues with the pup, he will be spending LOADS of time in his kennel for the next couple of weeks, so hopefully after he is healed and back on all four feet (I will gracefully spare you the details, but trust me, you don't want to know), we can resume bonding and cuddling.

I'll write about the quilting/sewing thing and the weight thing in future posts (at least I have topics ready to go, right?), but for now, I pray that you are well and that God shows up in your life in ways that are tailored especially for you!

Good night friends!

What if....What if....What if....

Last night I went to small group and we were looking at 1 Corinthians 8-16. After reading chapter 15 out loud, we started discussing what heaven would look like. Not that any of us can imagine what it will be like, but we each threw a bit of ourselves into it.

I had to leave early, and as I was on my way home (and thankful for the extended drive), I just started asking God to give me a glimpse of what that will look like. Of course where He leaned on my heart was not a physical place, but questions started flowing...

What would it look like for no hatred to exist? No hurts from the past, no anger, no frustration? How would I act? How would I look? What would it look like for me to not have these learned behaviors that are detrimental and self depreciating? No more little doubts whispering in my ear, no more echos from the past telling me I'm not good enough? No more insecurities to hold me back? .....

What would it look like for me to be completely surrendered of myself?

That is the big question right there. That's what God asks us to do - give up ourselves and serve Him and His purposes. What would I look like, how would I feel, and how would I act if I were completely surrendered and not serving anything other than God?

Well, that's the million dollar question that I'm pondering on. What does that look like and how can I die to myself to serve God's greater purpose?

And with that, I am off to work. Have an awesome day friends!

I get down, He lifts me up...

"This valley is so deep, I can barley see the sun, I cry out for mercy Lord, and You lift me up again!" I so enjoy Audio Adrenaline. I actually like a whole lot of Christian bands, but this just happens to be the song I'm listening to right now (titled "Get Down" for those that are curious).

Gosh, where to start on what God has been showing me and teaching me lately. I'll start out by saying that I will not make a sweeping generalization, because the only person I know how anything feels like is me, so if this speaks to your heart, praise the Lord! If it doesn't, then maybe this will expand your thinking and bring someone else to mind!

So, when I am purposeful about getting in the Word, spending time in silence (mind and mouth silence - hard to do - trust me - I know) just listening for God to speak into me, praying, and being in community with other believers (not just the kind you pass in the hallway at church on your way to Mi Cocina or McDonalds), I grow....A LOT. This is why it is sometimes hard for me to post a blog because I don't know what to say or how to express what God has impressed on my heart.

Frankly, I also pray before posting so I can make sure that my words are salt and light and not death and destruction.

So tonight a thought occurred to me that may offend some, but, well, "In this world you will have trouble, but take heart, I have overcome the world." John 16:33. That's something my son learned and memorized from church. I LOVE that he is doing scripture memorization! It encourages me to learn with him! It also helps him hide God's Word in his heart for those times of trouble!

On with it then. "Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is--his good, pleasing and perfect will." Romans 12:2 - NIV(1984). A thought occurred to me as I was churning on this tonight. How EASY is it for non-believers to blend in with this world. And how pitifully hard it is for Jesus seeking people to move through this world. Impacting this world for God's glory (and trying to figure out how to not take credit for every good thing in our lives - something that ever Christian I know struggles with - even if it is once every ten years or so ;) )

God asks His people to not conform to the patterns of this world. What are the patterns? (Forgive me if I side-step some hot button current affairs in this list): Vulgarity, addiction, obesity, self-centeredness, judgmental attitudes, self-serving attitudes (maybe goes along with self-centered?)....and the list goes on. As a Christian, I am called to be selfless, loving, caring, and be salt and light to the world around me. One by one, God is so very graciously working my addictions out of me. I don't hardly drink (and I no longer find any fun in being drunk), I have not smoked in 5 months and a 1 day as of today (!!!!), I have overcome the cycle of loneliness, and God is working on a list of other things with me, but today I feel more hopeful than I think I ever have in those other things.

Why? Because last night I came to realize that I don't have to be ashamed for my shortfalls. I'm not ashamed because I am finally opening my eyes nice and wide to the fact that I HAVE faults and that God loves me enough to work through them with me...and that He is PATIENT. I also realize that shame isn't from God. It's not. Shame is from the enemy that wants to keep rubbing my face in the same excrement to remind me, "Remember what you did?" "Remember those horrible things you said?" "God can't love someone like you that has all these faults, that has done all these things." "Remember what that person did to you? How can you forgive them??"

No, shame and regret are not emotions from God. How do I know? Because God loves. Above all, He is love. I'm not saying that God isn't vengeful, because, OH BOY - I have read most of the Old Testament as well as most of the New Testament and I have a very healthy fear of God's vengeance (especially when it comes to willfull sinning), but I have seen too many things work out in my life to be anything but grateful for God's grace and love for me. I can't deny it. Had I gotten what I deserved, I certainly wouldn't be sitting where I am with the son that I have and the things that I have and the amazing friends that I have. Because I don't deserve ANY of it. Having this realization, "things" have started having less and less hold on me. I'd rather just have the bare necessities, knowing that others were able to have because of my giving it up.

I guess I've started worshiping the Creator over the created. :) God gives us stuff because He knows that stuff makes us happy. This fallen world just perverts it into making idols out of "stuff" and distracting us from God's good, pleasing and perfect will.

"A big big house, with lots and lots of room. A big big table, with lots and lots of food. A big big yard, where we can play football. A big big house...It's my Father's house." I love that I am ending this post on this song. Another Audio Adrenalin song at that! ("Big House"). I love that I serve a God that loves. A God that extends Grace. A God that is patient. A God that wants only His good and perfect name to be glorified, and not a fallible human to be glorified.

God bless each of you my friends!

Comparisons

As I sit here and contemplate something God just opened my eyes to recently, I wonder if I have done a post about this in the past. I'll have to go back and look later. I don't want that post (if one does, in fact, exist) to alter this one. I have recently discovered that I went from comparing myself physically (which, to some extent, I still do) to other people, to comparing myself spiritually to those in my small group. Why do I do that? I think it's just human nature, and it is also because I look up to those in my group. I adore each of them and they make me want to be a better person, to grow my faith, but then something this morning kind of altered that. I was talking to one of my friends (whom also happens to be my son's mentor) while we were waiting for my son's Kindergarten Award ceremony to being, and he was sharing with me what was going on in his world and I was thinking, "Oh my goodness, should I be doing the same thing?!?" And that's when the thought occurred to me: Why am I comparing myself and my spiritual growth and spiritual walk to flawed human beings? I love each of them like I have loved few others in my life, but they are, for all intended purposes, wonderfully flawed and beautifully made that way. I then started asking myself: Well, if you shouldn't put compare yourself to them, who SHOULD you compare yourself to? Well, the honest answer is quite easy: Jesus. I say this with a lot of weight behind it. Some people may read this and think that I hope to achieve perfection. I don't. I'm flesh and blood and born in sin and will die a sinner, but a reformed sinner, someone who is, hopefully, striving to get the sin out of my life every day. Some days I will fail. Other days I will fail miserably. And I will have some victories mixed in there as well, but I strive to not let my sin go unchecked because I have seen what that does and, well, let me just say that you will never know the hurt that your sin can cause in others if left unchecked and free to grow. So, today, I am making a concerted effort to not compare myself to anyone other than what Jesus did while He was here. And every day I pray that my life will be a bright shining beacon for the lost and the seeking, reflecting God's grace, because I can honestly say that where I am in life now is ONLY because of God's grace, and not because of anyone else or anything that I have done. All for Him - Brandy

No Duty To Sin

Okay, let me kind of recap what I have been up to the last couple of months. God has been helping me discover things about myself and my life that I needed to remove so I could have a more authentic relationship with Him. One of those things - well, I guess this is less like showing me what I need to remove (which He has already helped me through), but more of a refinement of that lesson. The lesson I am talking about is loneliness. For...gosh...probably since puberty, I went through seasons of feeling lonely. If I was with someone when this season hit, it always spelled trouble for the relationship. The guy was never good enough. He could have been the most amazing and giving and sensitive guy on the planet, and he couldn't "fix" me. When it got bad enough, when the pressure of me making the poor guys perform to make me happy coupled with their feelings of inadequacy collided, well, the relationship ended and it was usually quite poorly. Related to this, something came across my mind yesterday - much thanks to John Piper. In this sermon, he stated, “Sin is what you do when your heart is not satisfied with God. No one sins out of duty. We sin because it holds out some promise of happiness. That promise enslaves us until we believe God is more to be desired than life itself.” (you can find the sermon here: http://www.desiringgod.org/resource-library/sermons/no-one-will-take-your-joy-from-you Can anyone say PROFOUND?!?!? Seriously, I stopped sewing, rewound it, and listened again...and then again. And then I wrote it down. Now, since this is still very fresh in my brain, I may not expand on it all that well, but I'm going to give it a shot anyway. What is sin? Anything that takes your affections away from God. Food, sex, drugs, alcohol, video games, sleep, friends, family (yes, I said it), movies, sports, clothes, makeup, cars, partying, working out, laziness, money, jobs, volunteering, people pleasing....there are probably just as many to list as there are people that exist, these are just the ones that come to mind immediately. Let me take an example from my own life: Being in a relationship. Okay, God made us relational people. He created Adam, but Adam being alone wasn't good, so God created a helpmate, Eve. And things were perfect, and then they weren't. Some people in the Bible (take Paul for example) were meant to be alone. Not that they were ALONE alone, because they were relational to other people on a non-romantic level, but they were alone in the relationship department. And they were satisfied with that because they could serve the Lord without hindrance. Now, that is the right way to look at not being in a relationship. And then there is me who went through seasons of loneliness because I saw that I was alone and I felt like my "situation" (aka: my LIFE) was broken. For three months, God took me through my past and was gracious enough to show me why men in the past RAN FOR THEIR LIVES from me. Seriously, I can't say that I blame them after examining my past behavior. Needy, empty, and broken. Kind of like a train wreck with less steel involved. But then He did something even more amazing. He showed me that my life without the circumstances DOES MATTER! That I have a life that doesn't revolve around anyone or anything! And He even showed me how the life I have is beneficial. I don't have to ask for permission to quilt, I don't have anyone else to make plans for me, I don't have to deal with the finances of two people, the stresses of two people, cleaning up after more people, cooking for more people, the dreaded "in-law's", etc... I quilt when I am able (which is fairly frequently), I only have to clean up after my son and I, cook for my son and I, and I can volunteer whenever I want. Sweet set up! Does this mean that I want to be single for the rest of my life? No. God put it in me from a very young age that I want to get married, however I am not going to allow that feeling to override my love and devotion to Him. I know that there is no man on this planet that can sustain me like God can. To refine that a little more, while I will go on dates from time to time, if the guy that I am on a date with isn't as strong in his faith as I am, or stronger, I won't go on a second date with him. Though it would feel good to my flesh to keep the dude around, I know that, ultimately, it wouldn't work out. The next sin that I am working on? Food. Overeating, to be exact. This is something that is new for me to work on, but I have a feeling that God will get me through it just as He got me through loneliness. The more I allow Him to change me, the more I trust Him to do so lovingly. So, overeating will be the next area of my life that I ask God to work on with me. And I could go on and on, but I fear this is already a long enough post. I will leave you here, praying that the words I was inspired to write will help you start down the path of understanding what may be hindering you from getting out of the pit you are in and moving on to the next amazing time in your life. Much love Brandy

Masterpiece

So God has been teaching me a lot lately. One thing that is new today is to never underestimate how much God can work in your life. As human beings, we tend to want to only handle one thing at a time. Work on our weight. Great, got that under control, now over to working on our family. Sweet! They are happy, now over to our jobs. Okay, got that under control and I got a promotion because I rock...oh crap, now my weight is creeping back up! Back to the weight thing...

Sigh.

Do you ever get tired of that cycle? I know I do, and have. Last year I had a lot of success with losing weight, but that was all I focused on. When things at work went haywire, I focused on that. Then the kid needed some attention, so I focused on him. Now I'm back to the weight thing. :\

I know God can do better than this. Problem is, I wasn't bringing Him into it completely, so I pretty much gave up on the diet/exercise thing, chilled with the kid, made sure things at work were running smoothly.

Well, now God wants more. He wants me to look at my house and see how much excess I have and how much I am NOT taking care of it. He reminded me that if I don't take care of what He has blessed me with, He has no intention of giving me more. I can't say that I blame him. If you gave your kid $100 and they went out and bought $95.00 worth of candy, you probably wouldn't be fumbling to get your wallet out to give them more money any time soon. My health is the same way. I have excess weight and I am not taking care of my body accordingly. No bueno.

As I was fasting on Monday, God made it clear that He wants me to get rid of my excess. Problem is I collect things. Not up to hoarding standards yet, but it is hard for me to let go of stuff. I know it is because the first six years of my life was spent in a trailer on my grandparent's land wearing third generation clothes from Goodwill, but, really, it's been a couple of decades since then, so it's time for me to get over it and trust.

So I have been systematically doing that over the last couple of days. So far I have gotten rid of 8 bags of stuff - ranging from kitchen stuff to clothes to blankets to sheets.... That's just two rooms of the house. :) There is going to be more to go, and some decisions are going to be hard, but that's okay.

On Tuesday night, my son was sick (has been sick since last Wednesday), so we skipped Bible study and chilled at home. I actually ran across the Skit Guy's "God's Chisel" skit that was remastered! I loved the original, so I was curious about the remastered version. (you can find the video on youtube here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3QCkBL2DfVg)

I don't know if I can even do this video justice in how amazingly powerful it is. After watching it and then going to look at myself in the bathroom mirror and HONESTLY saying, "Brandy is God's original masterpiece," I lost it. Like, legs gave out, bawling, face on the ground, praying...lost it.

It's hard to say that when you treat yourself like trash. When you think little of yourself, others will think little of you as well and treat you poorly. Why do I want to do that to myself?? No wonder I feel so under-valued! I couldn't even value myself! DumbDumbDumb....

Ever since then, I have looked at myself in the mirror before I leave the house and say, "Brandy is God's original masterpiece." You know what? That has completely changed how I treat myself. It has changed what I put in my body. It has changed how I carry myself...but most of all, it has changed how I view God. It has also changed how I take care of my stuff.

If you Google "how to professionally restore paintings", you will not get something that says, "this is how you professionally restore a painting!" I tried and I didn't (maybe Google likes you more?). But one thing that kept being repeated: restore, preserve, protect. That actually sounds like what God does!

(All definitions are couteousy of Miriam Webster Dictionary)

Restore: (4) to bring back to an earlier and better condition
>>>>>then the LORD your God will restore your fortunes [Or will bring you back from captivity] and have compassion on you and gather you again from all the nations where he scattered you. Deuteronomy 30:3

Preserve: (1) to keep in its original state or in good condition
>>>>>>>Neither do people pour new wine into old wineskins. If they do, the skins will burst; the wine will run out and the wineskins will be ruined. No, they pour new wine into new wineskins, and both are preserved.” Matthew 9:17

Protect: (1) to keep from being harmed, lost, etc...
>>>>>>>But the Lord is faithful, and he will strengthen you and protect you from the evil one. 2 Thessalonians 3:3

So it looks like I have a little bit of journaling to do on this subject. A lot of hurts that I have to let go of, a lot of God's healing and grace to accept.

Friends, just remember that you truly are one of God's original and amazing masterpieces! Be blessed!