I get down, He lifts me up...

"This valley is so deep, I can barley see the sun, I cry out for mercy Lord, and You lift me up again!" I so enjoy Audio Adrenaline. I actually like a whole lot of Christian bands, but this just happens to be the song I'm listening to right now (titled "Get Down" for those that are curious).

Gosh, where to start on what God has been showing me and teaching me lately. I'll start out by saying that I will not make a sweeping generalization, because the only person I know how anything feels like is me, so if this speaks to your heart, praise the Lord! If it doesn't, then maybe this will expand your thinking and bring someone else to mind!

So, when I am purposeful about getting in the Word, spending time in silence (mind and mouth silence - hard to do - trust me - I know) just listening for God to speak into me, praying, and being in community with other believers (not just the kind you pass in the hallway at church on your way to Mi Cocina or McDonalds), I grow....A LOT. This is why it is sometimes hard for me to post a blog because I don't know what to say or how to express what God has impressed on my heart.

Frankly, I also pray before posting so I can make sure that my words are salt and light and not death and destruction.

So tonight a thought occurred to me that may offend some, but, well, "In this world you will have trouble, but take heart, I have overcome the world." John 16:33. That's something my son learned and memorized from church. I LOVE that he is doing scripture memorization! It encourages me to learn with him! It also helps him hide God's Word in his heart for those times of trouble!

On with it then. "Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is--his good, pleasing and perfect will." Romans 12:2 - NIV(1984). A thought occurred to me as I was churning on this tonight. How EASY is it for non-believers to blend in with this world. And how pitifully hard it is for Jesus seeking people to move through this world. Impacting this world for God's glory (and trying to figure out how to not take credit for every good thing in our lives - something that ever Christian I know struggles with - even if it is once every ten years or so ;) )

God asks His people to not conform to the patterns of this world. What are the patterns? (Forgive me if I side-step some hot button current affairs in this list): Vulgarity, addiction, obesity, self-centeredness, judgmental attitudes, self-serving attitudes (maybe goes along with self-centered?)....and the list goes on. As a Christian, I am called to be selfless, loving, caring, and be salt and light to the world around me. One by one, God is so very graciously working my addictions out of me. I don't hardly drink (and I no longer find any fun in being drunk), I have not smoked in 5 months and a 1 day as of today (!!!!), I have overcome the cycle of loneliness, and God is working on a list of other things with me, but today I feel more hopeful than I think I ever have in those other things.

Why? Because last night I came to realize that I don't have to be ashamed for my shortfalls. I'm not ashamed because I am finally opening my eyes nice and wide to the fact that I HAVE faults and that God loves me enough to work through them with me...and that He is PATIENT. I also realize that shame isn't from God. It's not. Shame is from the enemy that wants to keep rubbing my face in the same excrement to remind me, "Remember what you did?" "Remember those horrible things you said?" "God can't love someone like you that has all these faults, that has done all these things." "Remember what that person did to you? How can you forgive them??"

No, shame and regret are not emotions from God. How do I know? Because God loves. Above all, He is love. I'm not saying that God isn't vengeful, because, OH BOY - I have read most of the Old Testament as well as most of the New Testament and I have a very healthy fear of God's vengeance (especially when it comes to willfull sinning), but I have seen too many things work out in my life to be anything but grateful for God's grace and love for me. I can't deny it. Had I gotten what I deserved, I certainly wouldn't be sitting where I am with the son that I have and the things that I have and the amazing friends that I have. Because I don't deserve ANY of it. Having this realization, "things" have started having less and less hold on me. I'd rather just have the bare necessities, knowing that others were able to have because of my giving it up.

I guess I've started worshiping the Creator over the created. :) God gives us stuff because He knows that stuff makes us happy. This fallen world just perverts it into making idols out of "stuff" and distracting us from God's good, pleasing and perfect will.

"A big big house, with lots and lots of room. A big big table, with lots and lots of food. A big big yard, where we can play football. A big big house...It's my Father's house." I love that I am ending this post on this song. Another Audio Adrenalin song at that! ("Big House"). I love that I serve a God that loves. A God that extends Grace. A God that is patient. A God that wants only His good and perfect name to be glorified, and not a fallible human to be glorified.

God bless each of you my friends!

Comparisons

As I sit here and contemplate something God just opened my eyes to recently, I wonder if I have done a post about this in the past. I'll have to go back and look later. I don't want that post (if one does, in fact, exist) to alter this one. I have recently discovered that I went from comparing myself physically (which, to some extent, I still do) to other people, to comparing myself spiritually to those in my small group. Why do I do that? I think it's just human nature, and it is also because I look up to those in my group. I adore each of them and they make me want to be a better person, to grow my faith, but then something this morning kind of altered that. I was talking to one of my friends (whom also happens to be my son's mentor) while we were waiting for my son's Kindergarten Award ceremony to being, and he was sharing with me what was going on in his world and I was thinking, "Oh my goodness, should I be doing the same thing?!?" And that's when the thought occurred to me: Why am I comparing myself and my spiritual growth and spiritual walk to flawed human beings? I love each of them like I have loved few others in my life, but they are, for all intended purposes, wonderfully flawed and beautifully made that way. I then started asking myself: Well, if you shouldn't put compare yourself to them, who SHOULD you compare yourself to? Well, the honest answer is quite easy: Jesus. I say this with a lot of weight behind it. Some people may read this and think that I hope to achieve perfection. I don't. I'm flesh and blood and born in sin and will die a sinner, but a reformed sinner, someone who is, hopefully, striving to get the sin out of my life every day. Some days I will fail. Other days I will fail miserably. And I will have some victories mixed in there as well, but I strive to not let my sin go unchecked because I have seen what that does and, well, let me just say that you will never know the hurt that your sin can cause in others if left unchecked and free to grow. So, today, I am making a concerted effort to not compare myself to anyone other than what Jesus did while He was here. And every day I pray that my life will be a bright shining beacon for the lost and the seeking, reflecting God's grace, because I can honestly say that where I am in life now is ONLY because of God's grace, and not because of anyone else or anything that I have done. All for Him - Brandy

No Duty To Sin

Okay, let me kind of recap what I have been up to the last couple of months. God has been helping me discover things about myself and my life that I needed to remove so I could have a more authentic relationship with Him. One of those things - well, I guess this is less like showing me what I need to remove (which He has already helped me through), but more of a refinement of that lesson. The lesson I am talking about is loneliness. For...gosh...probably since puberty, I went through seasons of feeling lonely. If I was with someone when this season hit, it always spelled trouble for the relationship. The guy was never good enough. He could have been the most amazing and giving and sensitive guy on the planet, and he couldn't "fix" me. When it got bad enough, when the pressure of me making the poor guys perform to make me happy coupled with their feelings of inadequacy collided, well, the relationship ended and it was usually quite poorly. Related to this, something came across my mind yesterday - much thanks to John Piper. In this sermon, he stated, “Sin is what you do when your heart is not satisfied with God. No one sins out of duty. We sin because it holds out some promise of happiness. That promise enslaves us until we believe God is more to be desired than life itself.” (you can find the sermon here: http://www.desiringgod.org/resource-library/sermons/no-one-will-take-your-joy-from-you Can anyone say PROFOUND?!?!? Seriously, I stopped sewing, rewound it, and listened again...and then again. And then I wrote it down. Now, since this is still very fresh in my brain, I may not expand on it all that well, but I'm going to give it a shot anyway. What is sin? Anything that takes your affections away from God. Food, sex, drugs, alcohol, video games, sleep, friends, family (yes, I said it), movies, sports, clothes, makeup, cars, partying, working out, laziness, money, jobs, volunteering, people pleasing....there are probably just as many to list as there are people that exist, these are just the ones that come to mind immediately. Let me take an example from my own life: Being in a relationship. Okay, God made us relational people. He created Adam, but Adam being alone wasn't good, so God created a helpmate, Eve. And things were perfect, and then they weren't. Some people in the Bible (take Paul for example) were meant to be alone. Not that they were ALONE alone, because they were relational to other people on a non-romantic level, but they were alone in the relationship department. And they were satisfied with that because they could serve the Lord without hindrance. Now, that is the right way to look at not being in a relationship. And then there is me who went through seasons of loneliness because I saw that I was alone and I felt like my "situation" (aka: my LIFE) was broken. For three months, God took me through my past and was gracious enough to show me why men in the past RAN FOR THEIR LIVES from me. Seriously, I can't say that I blame them after examining my past behavior. Needy, empty, and broken. Kind of like a train wreck with less steel involved. But then He did something even more amazing. He showed me that my life without the circumstances DOES MATTER! That I have a life that doesn't revolve around anyone or anything! And He even showed me how the life I have is beneficial. I don't have to ask for permission to quilt, I don't have anyone else to make plans for me, I don't have to deal with the finances of two people, the stresses of two people, cleaning up after more people, cooking for more people, the dreaded "in-law's", etc... I quilt when I am able (which is fairly frequently), I only have to clean up after my son and I, cook for my son and I, and I can volunteer whenever I want. Sweet set up! Does this mean that I want to be single for the rest of my life? No. God put it in me from a very young age that I want to get married, however I am not going to allow that feeling to override my love and devotion to Him. I know that there is no man on this planet that can sustain me like God can. To refine that a little more, while I will go on dates from time to time, if the guy that I am on a date with isn't as strong in his faith as I am, or stronger, I won't go on a second date with him. Though it would feel good to my flesh to keep the dude around, I know that, ultimately, it wouldn't work out. The next sin that I am working on? Food. Overeating, to be exact. This is something that is new for me to work on, but I have a feeling that God will get me through it just as He got me through loneliness. The more I allow Him to change me, the more I trust Him to do so lovingly. So, overeating will be the next area of my life that I ask God to work on with me. And I could go on and on, but I fear this is already a long enough post. I will leave you here, praying that the words I was inspired to write will help you start down the path of understanding what may be hindering you from getting out of the pit you are in and moving on to the next amazing time in your life. Much love Brandy

Masterpiece

So God has been teaching me a lot lately. One thing that is new today is to never underestimate how much God can work in your life. As human beings, we tend to want to only handle one thing at a time. Work on our weight. Great, got that under control, now over to working on our family. Sweet! They are happy, now over to our jobs. Okay, got that under control and I got a promotion because I rock...oh crap, now my weight is creeping back up! Back to the weight thing...

Sigh.

Do you ever get tired of that cycle? I know I do, and have. Last year I had a lot of success with losing weight, but that was all I focused on. When things at work went haywire, I focused on that. Then the kid needed some attention, so I focused on him. Now I'm back to the weight thing. :\

I know God can do better than this. Problem is, I wasn't bringing Him into it completely, so I pretty much gave up on the diet/exercise thing, chilled with the kid, made sure things at work were running smoothly.

Well, now God wants more. He wants me to look at my house and see how much excess I have and how much I am NOT taking care of it. He reminded me that if I don't take care of what He has blessed me with, He has no intention of giving me more. I can't say that I blame him. If you gave your kid $100 and they went out and bought $95.00 worth of candy, you probably wouldn't be fumbling to get your wallet out to give them more money any time soon. My health is the same way. I have excess weight and I am not taking care of my body accordingly. No bueno.

As I was fasting on Monday, God made it clear that He wants me to get rid of my excess. Problem is I collect things. Not up to hoarding standards yet, but it is hard for me to let go of stuff. I know it is because the first six years of my life was spent in a trailer on my grandparent's land wearing third generation clothes from Goodwill, but, really, it's been a couple of decades since then, so it's time for me to get over it and trust.

So I have been systematically doing that over the last couple of days. So far I have gotten rid of 8 bags of stuff - ranging from kitchen stuff to clothes to blankets to sheets.... That's just two rooms of the house. :) There is going to be more to go, and some decisions are going to be hard, but that's okay.

On Tuesday night, my son was sick (has been sick since last Wednesday), so we skipped Bible study and chilled at home. I actually ran across the Skit Guy's "God's Chisel" skit that was remastered! I loved the original, so I was curious about the remastered version. (you can find the video on youtube here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3QCkBL2DfVg)

I don't know if I can even do this video justice in how amazingly powerful it is. After watching it and then going to look at myself in the bathroom mirror and HONESTLY saying, "Brandy is God's original masterpiece," I lost it. Like, legs gave out, bawling, face on the ground, praying...lost it.

It's hard to say that when you treat yourself like trash. When you think little of yourself, others will think little of you as well and treat you poorly. Why do I want to do that to myself?? No wonder I feel so under-valued! I couldn't even value myself! DumbDumbDumb....

Ever since then, I have looked at myself in the mirror before I leave the house and say, "Brandy is God's original masterpiece." You know what? That has completely changed how I treat myself. It has changed what I put in my body. It has changed how I carry myself...but most of all, it has changed how I view God. It has also changed how I take care of my stuff.

If you Google "how to professionally restore paintings", you will not get something that says, "this is how you professionally restore a painting!" I tried and I didn't (maybe Google likes you more?). But one thing that kept being repeated: restore, preserve, protect. That actually sounds like what God does!

(All definitions are couteousy of Miriam Webster Dictionary)

Restore: (4) to bring back to an earlier and better condition
>>>>>then the LORD your God will restore your fortunes [Or will bring you back from captivity] and have compassion on you and gather you again from all the nations where he scattered you. Deuteronomy 30:3

Preserve: (1) to keep in its original state or in good condition
>>>>>>>Neither do people pour new wine into old wineskins. If they do, the skins will burst; the wine will run out and the wineskins will be ruined. No, they pour new wine into new wineskins, and both are preserved.” Matthew 9:17

Protect: (1) to keep from being harmed, lost, etc...
>>>>>>>But the Lord is faithful, and he will strengthen you and protect you from the evil one. 2 Thessalonians 3:3

So it looks like I have a little bit of journaling to do on this subject. A lot of hurts that I have to let go of, a lot of God's healing and grace to accept.

Friends, just remember that you truly are one of God's original and amazing masterpieces! Be blessed!

Irrational Fears Much?

This is something that I have only recently decided, "I need to get this out in the open so God can cover it." Not that I haven't known this scripture, but here it is in reference:

"For nothing is hidden except to be made manifest; nor is anything secret except to come to light." Mark 4:22

So, when my son was born, I very much did not feel like his mom, though I carried him internally as God knit him together. There may have been many reasons for this, but, after reflecting on it, it was probably because I realized that I am the sole support of this child - emotional, physical, mental. All of it, ultimately (and in the eyes of the law), lands on me. His male genetic donor said from the very outset that he has no interest in having anything to do with either of us.

Cool. He stayed in California. My son and I moved to Texas when I was six and a half months pregnant, where he was born just two short months later.

Not only did I not feel like his mom, I was also quite scared of him. Not that he wasn't a good baby. He was actually an amazing baby!! Seriously, God orchestrated it to what I could handle. My son was also extremely beautiful to me. I'm guessing most people have this same feeling when it comes to their children, but I now TRULY understand "horribly beautiful". Looking at him freaked me out because he was just SO beautiful that it overwhelmed me. The love I had for that little form was just as scary and big.

Here comes the irrational fear (as though the above wasn't irrational enough!). I fear(ed?) that I would raise a son that would end up being a serial murder. Why? I honestly couldn't tell you why. Maybe it is my love of CSI and Law and Order and reading medical thrillers and documentaries on serial killers (I was a morbid teenager). But I honestly feared that.

I want my son to be balanced. I want him to be able to blend in with any crowd, but also be that beacon of light for God. Not the weird kid that walks around screaming "JEZABELL!!!" at girls who are kissing their boyfriends (or random men, as the case may be) and throwing Bibles at them.

I think in a way, all parents fear raising a child that doesn't succeed. People tell me, "My child is the SMARTEST!" And I am so thankful God blessed them with an incredibly intelligent child! This world needs deep thinkers, just like it needs people with a heart. My son isn't going to win a Nobel Peace prize by the time he's 10 (unless it is in hugging!). He has average intelligence, however his heart is just absolutely mind-blowing and inspiring. It helps that he's awfully cute, but I have to push him in his studies.

And sometimes I have to catch myself comparing him to other people's amazingly intelligent children. "Well, shouldn't he be able to do long division by now? He's six after all!"

That is why I have begun the process of collecting letters from those that are close to him, all telling him what is RIGHT with him. This world is just so messed up and so very "What can you do for me?" and "How much can you earn?" and "How can you make it better/faster/easier/lighter/etc..?" That has led to a lot of messed up people because no one truly knows what is right with them. They keep changing, hoping that who they are going to become is going to be okay or acceptable.

I dealt with that all my life, until a couple of weeks ago. God is just so good and so merciful! I have been wondering when who I am was going to be good enough to those around me. God showed me that who I am really is good enough and there is nothing I have to change to be better or gain acceptance. Not that this gives me license to walk around showing my butt and being arrogant or proud, "Well, this is me and if you don't like it, you can go *&^% yourself!" It gives me the ability to be humble about who I am, to show my true self without fear of rejection, to just be the humble, grace-given beggar who is trying to show other beggars where food is. (The definition of what a Christian is according to one of my very sweet friends and volleyball players during that season.)

So there it is, published for the world to see. It makes me giggle now that I re-read it, but I also can't deny those emotions, and I'm kind of tired of carrying them around.

And they are now planted at the foot of Jesus' cross...where they belong.

God bless you my friends!

Gratitude

How often do we sit around, being mopey about what God asks us to do? If it's anything like my son's response to me asking him to take a bath or put his toys away or throwing something away, I can bet it's often for us. (By the way, the above picture is my son after I asked him to take a bath.)

As I was listening to Joyce Meyers podcast on Friday, she said something that gave me an "ah HA!" moment. Say your child comes to you and asks you for a new toy. You have every intention of granting this request (because it's educational, right?!?), but you don't have time to do it right now, so you tell said child, "Sure! We'll go get it in a couple of weeks."

Imagine that child dragging around for two weeks saying (in a whiny voice), "I'll never get that leapster game!" You aren't exactly inclined to run to the store that second and buy it. In fact, that may push it off for a week or two, if we are being honest.

Now, in another universe, imagine said child asks for the (educational) toy and your response is the same - sure, in two weeks - but this time, the child walks around saying, "I can't WAIT to get that leapster game!! It's going to be so cool! Mom, thank you so much for agreeing to get that for me!" I would be far more inclined to find time in my schedule to get that toy faster if he walked around saying that.

Gratitude. “In everything give thanks; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus” (1 Thess. 5:18).

Let me put this in a more God/you relationship perspective:

You want something. Let's go with....a significant other. You're single, you want to settle down, you don't think there's THAT much wrong with you (everyone has their faults, right?), but you can't seem to find someone you want to settle down with in a permanent way. You get sick of seeming to date the same kind of person, so you figure out that you are the problem, and you change (with God's help).

You start dating again with a new attitude/outlook/action plan, and someone comes along that makes you think, "This could be it!" Then God says, "No! You are putting far more time/effort into them than you are in to me." Out they go.

Maybe God is asking you to wait just a *little* bit longer.

Here's where your gratitude (or lack thereof) comes into play.

Option 1: Whining

"I'm NEVER going to meet THE ONE. Poor POOOOORRR meeeee." *Drag face across floor* (real cute)

Option 2: Not Whining

"God, thank you for this valley. Thank you for this time I am not tied down to someone so that I can serve You and Your house. Thank You for putting the desire of having an earthly companion into my heart, and thank You for working on both of us in this time, and I praise You for the (wo)man you are going to bless my socks off with!"

I think I'm going to try gratitude. :)

There's An App For That!

This morning I went to church and I got there a bit early, so I sat in the congregation (I don't know if that's the right word, but I was sitting in a chair in the audience waiting for service to start), preparing my tithe and, in general, just feeling really good after a season of not feeling happy.

The band comes out, the auditorium lights go down, and I see this person that I assumed was an usher with, what I assumed again, is a flash light, showing some people to a seat right next to me. Awesome! An opportunity to meet someone new! Then all of them, person with the flash light included, all take their places next to me. I then realized that the "flash light" was on the person's phone. There's an app for that!

And that started the wheels in my head turning. Society is moving towards the convenient and instant gratification app system. Need a flash light? There's an app for that! Need to know directions somewhere? There's an app for that! Need a Bible reference? There's an app for that too! Now, I don't have a smart phone, I'm just not that technologically advanced, however I would assume that there is an app for needing prayer.

The one thing in this world that there is no app for is God. A phone can tell you the date, time, what your schedule is, what sports teams are playing, what restaurant is the best, where your friends are.......but it can't tell you what God's will is for your life.

There is no substitution or short cut for quiet time, prayer, reading the Bible, and genuine Christian relationships. Sometimes in my life I forget that, and I can definitely tell when I let day to day busy-ness take over. I lose touch with my real friends, I start exhibiting behaviors that are not glorifying to God, and I second guess who I am and what I need to be doing. That also corresponds to me having a bad attitude, thinking way too highly of myself, and believing that I can do life on my own.

God isn't a vending machine where I ask and receive,
He isn't a bank where I put a card in and money comes out,
He isn't a thing you can put in a box and set on your shelf,
He desires a REAL and GENUINE relationship with YOU!

Yes you! The one that is lost and lonely and scared. The one that messed up, caused other people harm on purpose, drank too much, did far too many drugs, stole from others, and lied. The one that cheated on their significant other, watches porn on a regular basis, and swears like a sailor.

He even wants to know you, the girl who slept with more men than she cares to remember, the girl who dresses in revealing clothing to get attention, all because you feel invisible and like no one will like you if you don't perform for them. GOD wants to have a relationship with YOU! He wants your hurts, and He can take your anger. He doesn't want someone who will perform and be perfect, He wants someone who just wants to know Him for who He really is...gentle, loving, accepting, forgiving, merciful, just, and understanding.

I pray for whoever I just wrote that for. I hadn't intended on going that direction, but if this post touched you, please let me know, either as a comment or through e-mail.

God bless you friends!

Storm after Storm after Storm.....

I am exhausted. Weary to the bone. I have found my end and reached it. Or hyper-extended it. One of the two.

Last night a really bad set of storms rolled through our area. That included tornadoes. One touched down about 10 miles away while my particular area got pelted with golf ball size to baseball size hail stones. My car got it. Almost completely shattered windshield. Insurance won't cover it (liability only).

Frankly, I went into work today feeling like everyone was picking on me. I have been feeling lonely these last few days and that hasn't helped much. Yesterday a co-worker's boyfriend asked me to take part in a grand romantic gesture for her. Not exactly what I wanted to do, but I did it anyway because I knew how much it would mean to her. Her response was positive but then, out of jest, she called me a name that she intended to be endearing that I find to be revolting. *twist knife NOW*

My apartment management thinks I am annoying beyond necessity and treats me like I don't matter. Thanks guys. My windshield needs to be replaced, but I have no money to replace it.

Sigh.

I had told the high school ministry last week that I would be there this week (on Wednesday) to help them do data entry stuff for summer camp that is fast approaching. Last night I text them and said I wouldn't be able to make it because of my windshield (at the time I wasn't sure what the extent of the damage was).

This morning another wave of loneliness washed over me, the broken window and realization that I would have to find a way to get it fixed washed over me, and more romantic stories from the co-worker washed over me. Let's just say that I ended up sitting in my office, crying.

I had sent my apartment management an e-mail to let them know that the skylight had sustained damage. Several hours later I receive an e-mail back letting me know that my front door is standing wide open and my cat is out. They had no intention of closing and locking the door for me.

I left work early, drained of absolutely everything. No will to fight, no will to laugh, no will to do anything but lay down and let God take me home. It's been a long time since I've gotten to that point. I got home, my sister on the phone with me to make sure it was just me not locking the door properly and not a breaking and entering issue, and all was in order. My cat, Miu, was sitting inside looking like the world was just fine by her.

I hung up with my sister and just dropped onto my face, bawling like an infant, and telling God that I am done.

I ended up going to church tonight and honoring my word. I promised I'd be there, so I went. It helped me to feel better. Get out of myself and provide assistance where I was able. I'm still quite drained tonight, and crying isn't out of the question, but I know God has me. I know God is going to work all of this out according to His will. Like I tell my son, "Our God is SOOO much bigger than this storm. It may seem big and ugly and bad right NOW, but what the devil means for destruction, God means for instruction, growth, and good."

I'm simply going to take one step at a time. Where ever His light hits that path, that's where my foot will go.

God's grace is sufficient for me. Good night friends, and God bless. <3

Has it really been 2 months!?!?

Yes, it really has. I have been ignoring this site because I have made myself too busy to post. :/ Not exactly following God's request for me to post a couple/few times a week, but I'm back!

Over the last three days (Thursday, Friday, Saturday), I attended the Flavour Conference (women's conference) at my church. On Thursday night, I dropped my son off with my brother-in-law after they offered to take him so that I could enjoy the conference, focus on God, and not have to worry about fussing over him or feeling bad because he was spending far more time in a daycare environment instead of being able to get out and play and run and be a kid.

Well, last week, I came down with bronchitis. Yucky stuff. I'm still feeling the effects of it (lovin' the cough! Ok, not really). Well, on Thursday night, I was feeling VERY bad. I had been coughing for two days straight (couldn't seem to take the right thing to make it go away), my head wanted nothing more than to explode (thus putting me out of my misery...I was open to that idea. I know where I'm going when I die), I was exhausted, and I had been in this cycle of pain that was starting to affect every part of me (seeing that I had to walk up stairs in order to get to my apartment made me cry because my knees were hurting so bad).

So before the conference started, I went to the pharmacy and asked them what I could take to break this up. The pharmacist, a lovely woman, suggested Mucinex D and Advil, so I bought it, took both of them, ate (though I wasn't hungry), and ended up taking myself to the conference.

An hour after I took the medication, I was finally starting to feel the pain that was attacking my body leave!! The speaker that evening was Charlotte Gambill. At first, I didn't think I would like her because she talked so fast and, being from England, had an accent that, while talking fast, made it excessively difficult for me to understand much of anything that came out of her mouth.

But I stayed.

The subject that she taught on (the subject of the conference) was "She went out on a limb and learned she could fly". WWWWOOOOOWWWW!!!! I took notes. I honestly don't remember anything super specific, but after three days of these amazing women of God pouring into me, and not referring back to my notes this very moment, you can only imagine that good note taking skills are necessary so you can "feed" yourself in smaller doses for a long time to come.

As I left, I realized that I wasn't hurting anymore. No headache, my knees didn't ache, my body didn't ache, nothing! Where once exhaustion existed, an ever deeper exhaustion entered. I felt like over-cooked spaghetti. Driving home, I was quite careful so as to avoid any fatigue-related car accidents. I also felt something else: Spiritual Renewal! I hadn't realized that the last week of being ill had not only taken a toll on me physically, but spiritually as well. I felt my fire for God starting to build again!!

So much has happened over the last two months. I have purposefully ignored this blog, but it has never been very far from my mind. I can almost guarantee you that I thought about it once a day. It makes me sad and disappointed in myself for not just getting on and start pecking away at the keys to see what God wanted me to write, but that's what I love so much about God! He will keep after you until you are obedient or He will find someone else to bless through their obedience!

Let me just say, I'd rather be the one He blesses. If He something for me, I'm going to do it, regardless of how I feel. So my journey begins again.

In Him <3

Transitions

Though it has been icing and snowing here for the last 4 days, I decided to drive my son up to my sister. Actually, she and her family met me at the roller rink a few towns over because they were itching to get out of the house, so it was a convenient place for us to meet. I need a couple of days to not be mom.

This week has been tough on many levels. It has been tough on me personally because of the break-up. I've been praying through it and, honestly, God has shown me WHY it was so necessary - both the actual relationship as well as the break-up. But he has also shown me a great deal about myself through this. Let me just admit right now that it is not all pretty. It's down right uncomfortable, if you want to know the honest truth.

I'm changing. Again. I feel like every time I get to a point where I've gone through the fire and things are finally starting to calm down, another fire is popping up around me. There are days I crawl to God on my face and tell Him it is too much. It is in those times that I am doing exactly what He wants me to do: Be quiet, listen and, most of all, TRUST HIM.

SettingCaptivesFree.com is an amazing website. I do have to retract something I said in an earlier post. They actually do have a course on quitting smoking. Right now I'm working on The Lord's Table to help me deal with a lifetime of overeating. So far I am 21 days into it and I have changed a lot since I started.

A few weeks ago, God revealed to me why I started overeating in the first place. I was in the 2nd grade and I never felt like my parents had time for me. That was right around the time they started telling me, "You should be more like your sister." It seemed that they had endless amounts of time for my sister and their careers and their friends, but when I truly NEEDED to be listened to or just needed their time, they were too busy. I felt a void in my life that nothing seemed to fill.

One night after my parents sent me to bed, I waited 10 minutes so that they could get into whatever television program they were watching and snuck into the kitchen. I crawled onto the counter and got down a box of cookies. I started eating without thought. I couldn't tell you how many I ate, however I can tell you it was probably most of the box. My dad did walk in and catch me, and I scurried off the counter and ran to my room.

He came in and talked to me about it, but didn't really listen to what I needed to say. Every time after that, whenever I felt like I was ignored or pushed aside as much as I could take, I ate. I would save my lunch money that my parents gave me and spend it on junk food at the local gas station. There was a point where I would even steal candy while buying other candy. It was sad.

I grew up eating in secret. My mom taught me that one. She would stop by a gas station or a fast food restaurant on the way to dinner with the family and get something and then she would eat a full meal with the family. Overeating, eating when emotional, and secret eating became my life. Until now.

I'm transitioning into a person that I never knew could exist inside of me. A woman of moderation, if you will. A woman who is living to please God, not just with her actions, but with her body. I am learning to feed on Jesus rather than food to get that soulish fullness that I have been looking for. Dealing with a lot of emotional turmoil surrounding the break up has definitely tested me a great deal. I won't lie and say that I have over come every urge to eat, because I haven't, but I have overcome the desire to eat so much that I feel or make myself sick.

I'm not posting this to lay blame on my parents for my eating disorder. I'm about to be 31 and I think it is high time I grew up and took responsibility for my own actions. I have forgiven my parents for their part in this. They did what they knew to do. I didn't grow up in a Christian household, so this living by faith thing is relatively new if you consider that.

I know that I'm going to fail as a parent in one aspect or another to my son. I am certainly not setting out to do so, but it is inevitable. I can only pray that God will give him the heart to forgive me because I did the best that I could when it is all said and done.

May God richly bless you and yours. Be safe out there. <3