Saturday, September 24, 2011
The last couple of days have been...interesting. God has brought to my attention that I have always considered myself an afterthought. As such, I have always allowed other people to treat me as an afterthought.
Someone who is disposable.
Someone who doesn't matter.
Someone whose feelings are, essentially, vapor.
This has really made me think about where God has me right now. In the past, I always seemed to have a guy or two that I was talking to that had an interest in me. I would tire of them quickly because they seemed like photocopies of each other and they were all the kinds of guys that I had dated before I asked Jesus into my heart. Last year it hit me: Maybe I am the problem.
Turns out I was. I asked God to change me, and He did. Now? Not one even semi-interested party to be found.
I admit this, not with even an ounce of pride, but because as I was laying here, after a long day filled with God showing Himself through me, I was looking through facebook and seeing all the happy couples and a pang of not feeling good enough for a man to even like me, let alone love me was there. Even jealousy.
And God showed up.
"If I find in myself desires which nothing in this world can satisfy, the only logical explanation is that I was made for another world." ~ C.S. Lewis
Maybe, just maybe, I am the problem again. Maybe I have treated God like an afterthought. I asked God to help me to fall in love with Him, and those feelings of not being good enough and jealousy have started to ease.
I know there is going to be more to this. It's been a long day and I kind of want to cry (and I will cry - I've gotten really good at that lately), but this is a start in a really good direction. "For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime; weeping may stay for the night, but rejoicing comes in the morning." Psalm 30:5
While I may not be where *I* would prefer to be, I am quite thankful that God loves me enough to bring me here so that He can open my heart and help me see where I need to grow...and what I need pruned.
God bless you my friends, with love beyond compare, grace beyond reason, and peace that invades your heart and soul.