Thinking About Next Year

As with most people, my thoughts around this time of year lead me to think about next year. God has impressed on my heart a few things that I want to write out here.


Spiritual Walk:

I want to continue my spiritual growth. I have grown a lot since Thanksgiving, much credit and thanks goes to my Tuesday evening small group. I have fallen in love with each person that is in that group, both as a group and as individuals. They push me to grow in my faith, and that is a gift that is truly something I cannot repay.

I also want to continue to be intentional about the people I spend time with. I have done a descent job of touching base with people when they are on my heart, whether it is through a quick text or a phone call. Can I even tell you how difficult it is to call someone out of the blue and say, "I was thinking about you and praying for you and wanted you to know that I care and I hope all is well with you."? I know it doesn't *sound* difficult, however coming from someone (me) that hasn't ever stepped out of their (my) comfort zone, it's a little nerve wracking. I know it will get easier.


Work:

I do it a lot. I love my job, but I miss a lot of time with my son because of how much I work. Not that I work more than is necessary to support us, however I have not budgeted my Vacation/PTO time to coincide with his schedule. With him going to school now, breaks are planned a year ahead of time, which makes things a bit easier to juggle. This year I will be budgeting a week off so that he and I can spend his spring break together. I am praying for something fun and economical to do, and I have a few ideas, but I'm not ready to put them up here just yet.


Personal Health:

Though I have taken the last six weeks off, and I know I'm going to pay for that, I am going to continue taking care of myself and taking care of the temple God provided me. I felt good when I worked out. Thankfully I have gotten over feeling like taking care of myself is selfish. I'm becoming better equipped with prioritizing and making sure I can get quality time with God in on a daily basis, quality time for myself, working, and quality time with Gideon, as well as spending time with family and friends.

I'm not going to lie, all of that is a tall order, however it is something that is interesting as it develops. Do I make everyone happy all the time? Nope, but that's not my job, I have discovered. I'd rather have quality time with people rather than quantity time with people. The only two on this planet that this doesn't apply to is God and my son.


Household:

I found this really interesting daily decluttering/organizing calendar on Pinterest (which I am totally addicted to - Pinterest, not the calendar) that gives you a daily task to complete and by the end of the year, you will have gone through your entire house (what seems like) ten times. I'll be lucky to have anything left by year's end. LOL Here's the link if you are interested in checking it out: http://www.mysimplerlife.com/2012.htm

So I'm looking forward to 2012 with a renewed sense of hope. I know I'll have bumps along the road, but that's okay. God didn't promise us a smooth ride, but He DID promise us a safe landing.

God bless and good night friends. <3

2011 Ponderings

This will not be the last post of this nature. I am sure that I will post another one on New Years Day, however this is my current thoughts that are floating through my head (pardon me if I am disjointed in thinking).

Around this time last year, I knew this year was going to be hard. I was sitting in a church service and a pastor from another campus was speaking and he was talking about people's hopes for the new year. He said that everyone always gets excited about a new year. It's like they expect the bad that happened in the prior year to just go away and the next year to be outrageously awesome.

As he was speaking, God impressed on my heart that 2011 was not going to be one of those outrageously awesome years for me. I was saddened, honestly. I wanted to have an awesome year because 2010 wasn't exactly a picnic, but, while I didn't set out to make 2011 a bad year, I was at least a little prepared for the road ahead.

And I am so thankful that God loves me enough to prepare my heart.

I have seen loss of friends, a boyfriend that I really REALLY got along with, disagreements with family, financial hardship, tumultuous work..... And through it all I have tried to remain graceful. I haven't always been successful. Sometimes those trials have seen me in my room, bawling my eyes out and asking God why He dislikes me so much.

Yup, I am quite capable of acting like I'm 2. I have a 5 year old son that has, on more than one occasion, provided a good example of what that looks like, so I'm schooled.

But to look at all that hurt and pain and stress, I can see where God is working. He has pulled people out of my life that had ulterior motives (which I only saw once they were gone), stripped me of every road I *could* have gone down that didn't lead to Him...all because He is a jealous God and He doesn't want me to want anything more than I want Him.

And that is exactly where He has me. Wanting Him more and more every day. Hungry for His word. Constantly asking for Him to empty me of myself and putting in my heart only the desires He has for me. Trust me, this is not easy, and there are days where I pray this prayer ten times because my flesh fights it, but it's worth it. It helps me to know that I am weak and I can't do this without Him.

I have seen the fruit of me wanting to do things my own way, and they were all fruitless. I have seen the fruit of waiting on Him, and the results are AMAZING!! I want amazing and I'm willing to wait for it.

God Bless you my friends! <3

Openness

Tonight I had dinner with a very dear and sweet friend. I love this woman. From the first time I met her while playing volleyball this past summer at my church, I felt SUCH a connection. Without knowing more than my name and that my son was very polite and sweet, she opened her heart to me and my heart followed. While I have not spent an exorbitant amount of time with her, the love I have for her just flows so deeply. She is truly someone I will have in my life, for the rest of my life.

Anyway, that to say, we had dinner this evening, and the openness was there. We shared parts of our past with each other; from the painful to the downright hilarious. When my son and I left, the *second* she shut the door, my son told me, "I really like her. She's the bestest!"

I just smiled and completely agreed.

We got in the car and he fell asleep nearly instantly and I just felt like my heart was over-flowing with being loved on and accepted and....heard. It's been a while since I have felt like I can be completely me and not feel like I have to hold something back for fear of being judged or corrected, or feeling like I'm an alien from a distant galaxy. She listened and gave me guidance out of love. She cried with me, she laughed with me, and before we left, she prayed over my son and I.

As I was driving home, I thought, "I wonder what the Bible has to say about openness?"

Google to the rescue!! (Don't judge, I don't have a concordance)

I came up with a few scriptures:

Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:4-7 NIV

This one shows us that we should have an open heart to God. Rejoicing in Him, but also letting our gentleness being evident to ALL.

Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven. Matthew 5:15-16 NIV

With this one, it makes me think of those days where I am having a bad day. Does my light shine particularly brightly on those days? Nope. There are days I feel like an absolute wretch, HOWEVER, this takes me back to a teachable moment with my son. He was looking at something that was supposed to glow in the dark, however we were standing just outside a store window that shed light on us. He was disappointed that it didn't glow brighter, yet it still glowed noticeably.

Then it hit me: When we are shining brightly in a brightly lit place (say, at church), sure our lights are bright, but sometimes it can be overlooked because people are expecting to see that brightness there. However, when our lights aren't shining particularly bright, but we are in a dark place, the light that is shining IS noticeable! Something as simple as an honest, "Thank you Jesus!", even when you are in a bad mood around others who may not be believers can lead to just about anything!

To pull this all together, lately I have felt like I am not connecting with ANYone. I feel like everyone puts on this mask of "My life is PERFECT!", except I see the hurt and pain and fear in their eyes. I so badly just want to hold them and listen to them and, while I can't promise them that it will be okay, I WANT to comfort them, I WANT to tell them that, regardless of how they feel, God really DOES care! He is hurting WITH them!! He is scared WITH them! He is reaching out TO them and just begging them to trust Him.

No one will be able to stand against you all the days of your life. As I was with Moses, so I will be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake you. Joshua 1:5 NIV

I don't know where this is going, but I know God has something for me in this. Maybe I need to step forward and be more open with people I'm afraid to be open to for whatever reason. Maybe I need to slow down and allow time for someone to not just tell me a quick, "Hey, will you pray for me about something?", but instead, sit down with them on the spot, listen to their heart, and pray with them ON THE SPOT.

I have another very dear friend that does that for me. I have called her bawling for various reasons over the last four years and, though she has four children, (was formerly a stay at home mom, but now works), a husband and enough extra curricular activities to wear anyone out just thinking about them, she has dropped all of that to *listen* to me and pray for me. Can I just say that the first time she did that I was seriously taken aback? I wasn't expecting it, and I admire her for that.

I want to be that person. I pray for people on a daily basis, however the power of praying OVER someone...just...wow. There are no words. The comfort that her prayers have brought me over the years is astounding, and I now pray that I am that kind of person from today and going forward. It takes a boldness that I don't even know if I have, but I'm certainly going to step out in that direction and just trust that the words I speak will be from God and not from myself.

Good night dear friends. May God bless and keep you. <3

Afterthought

The last couple of days have been...interesting. God has brought to my attention that I have always considered myself an afterthought. As such, I have always allowed other people to treat me as an afterthought.

Someone who is disposable.
Someone who doesn't matter.
Someone whose feelings are, essentially, vapor.

Invisible.

Family.
Friends.
Boyfriends...

This has really made me think about where God has me right now. In the past, I always seemed to have a guy or two that I was talking to that had an interest in me. I would tire of them quickly because they seemed like photocopies of each other and they were all the kinds of guys that I had dated before I asked Jesus into my heart. Last year it hit me: Maybe I am the problem.

Turns out I was. I asked God to change me, and He did. Now? Not one even semi-interested party to be found.

I admit this, not with even an ounce of pride, but because as I was laying here, after a long day filled with God showing Himself through me, I was looking through facebook and seeing all the happy couples and a pang of not feeling good enough for a man to even like me, let alone love me was there. Even jealousy.

And God showed up.

‎"If I find in myself desires which nothing in this world can satisfy, the only logical explanation is that I was made for another world." ~ C.S. Lewis

Maybe, just maybe, I am the problem again. Maybe I have treated God like an afterthought. I asked God to help me to fall in love with Him, and those feelings of not being good enough and jealousy have started to ease.

I know there is going to be more to this. It's been a long day and I kind of want to cry (and I will cry - I've gotten really good at that lately), but this is a start in a really good direction. "For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime; weeping may stay for the night, but rejoicing comes in the morning." Psalm 30:5

While I may not be where *I* would prefer to be, I am quite thankful that God loves me enough to bring me here so that He can open my heart and help me see where I need to grow...and what I need pruned.

God bless you my friends, with love beyond compare, grace beyond reason, and peace that invades your heart and soul.

1 Kings 19

"The Lord said, "Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the Lord, for the Lord is about to pass by." Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake came a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper. When Elijah heard it, he pulled his cloak over his face and went out and stood at the mouth of the cave. Then a voice said to him, "What are you doing here, Elijah?" 1 Kings 19:11-13

WOW!!! WOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOW!!!

So many people these days feel like the big, bad, ugly things that happen are signs from God and act accordingly. They rarely stop and consider that maybe all those big sounds and shows don't have God in them anywhere. Even more rarely do they stop and listen to that gentle voice that is asking them a question, even as simple a question as, "What are you doing here?"

I have seen God act in MIGHTY ways in my life. Me being a single mom for over 5 years and, many times, having to FULLY rely on God for provision in our lives is definitely at the top of that list. There were days where I didn't know how I was going to feed Gideon, let alone how I was going to find food for myself, but God knew. He knew every time where that provision was coming from.

But I will also never forget those moments where I was so close to Him that I could hear his gentle voice whispering to me, comforting me, loving on me...all when I needed it the most, when my world was crumbling down and I didn't feel like I had the strength to continue.

"Elijah was afraid and ran for his life. When he came to Beersheba in Judah, he left his servant there, while he himself went a day's journey into the desert. He came to a broom tree, sat down under it and prayed that he might die. "I have had enough, Lord," he said. "Take my life; I am no better than my ancestors." Then he lay down under the tree and fell asleep." 1 Kings 19:3-5

Have I been there? Absolutely. I think we all have. The next part is just as awesome:

"All at once and angel touched him and said, "Get up and eat." He looked around, and there by his head was a cake of bread baked over hot coals, and a jar of water. He ate and drank and then lay down again." 1 Kings 19:5b-6

Though Elijah wanted so badly to die, God was merciful on him and sent an angel to nourish him.

"The angel of the Lord came back a second time and touched him and said, "Get up and eat, for the journey is too much for you." So he got up and ate and drank. Strengthened by that food, he traveled forty days and forty nights until he reached Horeb, the mountain of God. There he went into a cave and spent the night." 1 Kings 19:7-9

God KNOWS that the journey set before you going to be too hard for you to handle! That is why He sends up angels and provision, whether those angels are straight from Heaven, or from someone here on earth that is obedient to God's wishes and provides accordingly. I have seen both in my life, even before I accepted God into my heart.

Take heart in this bit of scripture! God KNOWS you are dealing with a lot, but He hasn't forgotten you!! Look for the angels that He is sending! But most importantly, listen for His voice. Sometimes it is big, but sometimes it is small and quiet and the only thing you need to do to hear Him is....be still.

God bless you my friends!

There's a wall. "Where?" *thud*

This week has been difficult to keep up the exercise. Gideon is starting Kindergarten and there's a LOT that you have to do in order to get it all together and registered and ready. Tonight as I was reflecting on feeling burnt out (with pretty much life in general), it occurred to me, again, like this is much like faith.

When you first ask Jesus into your heart, you feel a rush of hope and love and grace and like you could go out and conquer the world! Much like deciding, "I'm going to finally start taking care of my body!!" And you go out and work out and feel good and feel tired and that feels GOOD.

Then the new-ness wears off.

In your faith, that typically means a storm comes and you are reeling from the onslaught. You hope your faith is like a mustard seed. "He replied, "Because you have so little faith. I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you."" Matthew 17:20. In reality, you want to find the nearest hole, no matter how small it may be, and bury yourself as deeply as possible, and then maybe just a little more for added assurance.

In diet and exercise (when you haven't done much of that for a while), I have gotten to the point where the new-ness has rubbed completely off and now I'm tired. My body is sore (good sore) and the gallon of ice cream in my freezer (it's more like a pint) is calling my name. Unfortunately for some who have dealt with overeating their entire lives, the closest hole they can find to run to is...the refrigerator.

Though that is what I WANTED to do tonight, it is not what I actually DID. I instead got up and exercised. General calisthenics, but just something to keep me moving and away from the fridge. It worked!

I have been on a team on myfitnesspal.com since the beginning of August and the people that I have met there are amazing and so inspirational. I have noticed that I am doing the daily challenges without doing much more in addition to (like we are supposed to be doing). I also know that I haven't been going to bed early and thus making me more tired and less likely to get up and do more.

Spiritually, we need to find rest. True rest is only found in quiet time and reading the Bible and truly listening to/for God to speak into our lives, much like sleep is essential for our bodies so that we can get up and do things without "I'm tired" coming to visit.

I am definitely looking forward to sleep tonight and a three day weekend. Renewal of the mind, body and spirit is what is in my cards right now.

God bless and good night my friends!

Things I'm Learning

I'm learning a lot in my journey to health. It's not very unlike my spiritual walk. When I first gave my life over to God, I felt amazing, like I could conquer the world and all the evils therein. When I first started this journey three weeks ago (on July 20th, to be exact), I felt awesome, like I could conquer this fat and everyone else's with mine.

Then reality hits. Like a freight train hauling cinder blocks.

The tests come.

In food, every food that you love (that's not healthy) is EVERYWHERE. It's difficult to turn it down, but I know if I do, it'll pay off. This is not to say that I don't eat things that aren't uber healthy for me, because I do, but I am now a lot more conscious of how much I eat. I also track my calories (something I never thought I would actually do ever in my life) so that I can see what I'm doing right and what I'm doing wrong so that I can make subtle positive changes.

In exercise, every reason to not get off my butt is there. I'm tired, I'm sore, my knee hurts, my ankle hurts, I worked a lot, I'm stressed.... All good reasons to get up and DO something. A stroll around the block, a walk on the treadmill, some yoga..... Anything to keep moving. I have learned that exercise helps me to de-stress after a bad day at work. I have also learned that there is a runner's high that makes me feel absolutely amazing after I run (even if I run for not very long...and even if I'm not totally enjoying the run while I'm doing it).

In my spiritual walk, every reason to not spend time in the Word and praying show themselves, however when I do read on a daily basis and journal and, well, this blog very much counts into that as well, I feel close to God. When I make excuses to not spend time in the Word and pray and blog, it feels like God couldn't be further away from me if He tried.

Also in the spiritual walk is not just the quiet time, but it's also the living it out. Volunteering, finding a way to serve people outside the church as well (helping someone get a can off the top shelf at the grocery store, smiling at someone and saying something kind to them when they look like they couldn't be having a worse day if they tried), etc..

I know there is going to be more lessons for me to learn along the way, but these are the first couple. I am definitely looking forward to the rest of the journey!

Something New

So I posted on my FB last night that I have a new post coming, and here it is! Something is new in my life that makes me feel totally different.

What is that *thing*?

Exercise and taking care of my body. Yes this is new. Until now, I felt selfish for spending time in the gym and taking care of myself. I felt like I was being selfish when, in fact, it is not. If I don't take care of my physical body, who will? And if you don't take care of you, how can you expect yourself to take care of others? I don't know of a way for me to allow someone else to take my body and go for a jog or to yoga or anything else.

On top of that, God put US in control of our bodies. "Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body."
1 Corinthians 6:19-20 He gave them to us as a gift, and asks us to take care of it.

By me not working out and eating properly, I have become fat. I don't want to be fat any more. This isn't for a guy (guys are a dime a dozen), this is for God and me and for my son. I want to glorify God in the body that He gave me, I want to show Gideon what dedication looks like. Gideon knows what work looks like because he has seen me do that plenty all his life. Now I'm upping the stakes. Yes it is good to work, but not all the time. Yes it is good to exercise, but in moderation (if you hurt yourself, how much good are you going to be able to do?). It's good to eat, but in moderation.

So this is the new thing in my life. Have I tried and failed at this before? Yes. At one point I tried and succeeded, but I did it for the wrong reasons. Once that reason evaporated, I spiraled again. I have come to understand that I am worth me taking care of myself.

"Though a righteous man falls seven times, he rises again". Proverbs 24:16 (NIV)

It doesn't matter how many times you have fallen or failed, the only time you ever lose is when you stop trying. REFUSE TO GIVE UP!!! I will never be skinny. God did not design me to be skinny, but I can be fit and I can be active and I can lessen the chances of me getting type II diabetes and a host of other obesity-related diseases that run in my family that are avoidable through diet and exercise.

My biggest hurdle is going to be balancing everything:

Spending time with God
Being a single mom
Being employed full time
Spending time with my family
Volunteering
Working out

I know I can do this. I may have to step back some of my volunteer work (I have already done this recently through the moving process), but not giving up on it entirely. I love giving my time to my church and to people I can influence. I will be able to do that better and, more than likely, in different ways, once I begin to see the weight come off.

Anyway, so this is a new chapter in my journey. I'd love for you to follow along. I'll be posting pictures as I progress.

God, bless my friends. <3

You Will Protect Me, Right?

I've taken a bit of a hiatus. We have been in the process of packing and moving, and then the time in between apartments...well, restful is not what I would term it, but growth and appreciation is.

But I'm back!

This past Saturday, a church that I have been to in the past, one that has an amazing Single Parent Ministry, had a Boy's Mentoring morning. A bunch of guys got together with a bunch of boys and played flag football, water balloon fight, and ate pizza. Totally a dude kind of day. :)

I typically don't get to make it to those events because something inevitably comes up, however this last weekend turned out a little differently. I got up, Gideon was overflowing with youthful energy and the need to get out and do SOMETHING, and I thought, "Ah ha! I know what he can do to burn off that energy!" So, I packed him into the car and drove him to the church.

I was greeted by a few of the guys as well as the (female) organizers. I ended up staying and taking pictures since they were a little short-handed initially and it was just awesome to watch my son learn how to play flag football. It was funny too. :)

On one of the plays, Gideon happened to be in the wrong place at the right time and got kneed (completely by accident) by one of the guys. He wanted to cry, but I wasn't going to let him. I told him to grab some water, rub some dirt on it, and get back at it. Gideon had no intention of getting back on the field, however I didn't let him get away with it. He was there to expend energy and be a boy, and I had every intention of him doing just that.

Well, one of the volunteers and Gideon made a connection rather quickly. It was very heart warming to hear part of his story before all the action started, and it was awesome that he cared enough to ask me about the dad situation in regards to Gideon. It isn't the easiest thing to say, "He doesn't have a dad," but anything short of that would have been a lie.

So, after pushing Gideon back out onto the field (like any loving mother would), he stood next to his new friend and, I'm not sure what happened, but Gideon ended up on the ground in the midst of other little bodies. This time the volunteer took him aside and they sat under a tree and talked for ten or so minutes. I'm not sure what they talked about, but after the talk was over, Gideon was excited to get back up and get back at it!

This is the part that is both heartwarming to me...and heartbreaking. They got into position and before the play started, Gideon looked up at him and asked, "You're going to protect me, right?"

SOOOOOOOOOO many emotions welled up inside of me. Isn't that what we all want? Someone to protect us and take care of us? Someone we can lean on and trust when times are tough? I know I do. I know Gideon does. I know Gideon trusts me and leans on me, and sometimes it feels like that is a weight that I cannot handle, but God NEVER fails to give me the strength I need, just as I know I can always trust Him and lean on Him when times are tough.

That was the moment the other volunteers came out and took over the camera work. Not that I didn't want to be there to watch the festivities, but Gideon is around me often and this event wasn't for me to spend more time with him, but for him to be around amazing Christian men for real dude time, so I left and took a walk and prayed and cried. God is just SOOOO good! I felt reassurance wash over my heart that He truly is taking care of me and He is giving me the strength that I need to continue on this amazing journey.

When I returned, I ended up talking to one of the women that was there volunteering and she asked me about my story. I started talking and just let it out. I ended up crying the whole way through. She just sat there and listened and asked questions and held my hand and reassured me.

That event wasn't just for Gideon. God had every intention of reaching my heart in a deep and profound way that morning as well.

Tonight, as I was reading the Bible, I came across Job. I have read all of Job, but I haven't understood it all yet, however God led me to a specific passage, "If I have raise my hand against the fatherless, knowing that I had influence in court, then let my arm fall from the shoulder, let it be broken off at the joint." Job 31:21-22

God calls us to be an influence to those that are fatherless. The guys that were there and, in particular, the one that Gideon became a shadow to on Saturday, were heeding that direction and actually DOING something to influence those children who are fatherless. I have met a lot of men in my day. Some of them have proclaimed that they are Christians, and they know a whole lot about theology, probably mountains more than I ever will, HOWEVER! The fruit of the Spirit is not there.

Gideon likes to ask, "Mommy, when is God going to bring me a dad?" That question hurt at first, and stings just a little still, however my answer is always, "God has heard you pray, and He wants to hear you ask even still, but God has an AMAZING daddy for you. Not just any guy can be your daddy, but first God has to work on both him and me. You will get a daddy exactly when you need one, in God's timing, and God is never late."

On that note, friends, I bid you a good night. Time to pray with the Gidlet and get myself to sleep. God bless and good night!

Compromise and Acceptance

This is something that is difficult for a lot of people. Let's start off with the definitions (brought to you by The Free Dictionary):

Compromise: A settlement of differences in which each side makes concession

Acceptance: to take or receive (something offered)

Okay, that wasn't so bad, now was it?

Compromise for me is difficult because it means that I have to not get everything I want and I have to LIKE IT!! Not the superficial, "I'm going to act like everything is okay, but then bottle up my emotions and let it all come out when the next related incident comes up," or "I'm going to pick at you and make passive aggressive, snippy comments any time I get the chance." kind of acceptance, but real, genuine, honest-to-goodness compromise.

Compromise and acceptance can manifest themselves in forgiveness.

One incident where I can clearly remember this lesson starting is with my son. I was sick, the hormones were having their way with my emotions, and we were at the doctor's office . He decided that rolling around on the doctor's stool was the thing to do while playing with my itouch.

I warned him to be careful. I asked him to stop rolling around. Neither of those things happened.

He over-corrected on a roll and he fell to the side. The side that held the touch.

Onto the floor, face first, went the touch. He righted himself and I retrieved it from him. Sure enough, three cracks were running across the face.

I wanted to scream, cry....pretty much any emotion one human being could possibly feel came crashing down on me all at once. I took a few deep breaths with my eyes closed. Oddly enough, the thought that came to mind was, "Is screaming at him going to change this?"

No, it wont.

Instead of doing any of the 10 things that first came to my mind, my reaction was to tell him, "You have lost the ability to use the touch." Though there were a few days in which I chose to make little comments about the incident instead of letting it go and moving on, this was honestly the first time I can say that I gained the acceptance of a bad situation in a rather short period of time. Instead of reacting as I normally would have, I chose to act better. Sure, I now have a touch with a cracked screen that needs to be replaced, however it does still work and my son is no longer able to use it. Compromise achieved!

I'm not perfect at this by any stretch of the imagination, but I am clearly seeing situations, whether they are big or small, arise and I am trying to take a more forgiving stance on them. Some situations just can't be helped or remedied and your choice in the compromise is void, yet you still have to live with the outcome of the situation.

Do you needle and pick at people when something is done or said that is off-putting to you?

Just once when an occasion like that arises, try not saying those passive negative comments. So what if it's not going to go your way? LIFE ISN'T FAIR, but in YOU choosing how you react to it, you may feel better about your actions and words after the fact.

Find yourself in a conversation with someone that picks at you? There are always ways to extract yourself from them gracefully and not get drawn into saying something you might regret later. You cannot control how others act or react, you are only in control of yourself. Make the way you react reflect God's love and grace and see how the opposition reacts.

God bless you my friends. <3

Struggling With Feelings

I'm struggling right now with the feeling of not being good enough. What brought this about? My son. We were on our way home from church and he told me that it upsets him when one of his classmates is always at the end of the line. Why? Because she has earned herself a nickname by the teacher. "Lucy the Caboosey". I asked him if he thought HE has special things about him that others could be jealous of and he said no.

This nearly made me run my car into a telephone pole. Really?!? The kid that will hug anyone and everyone, REGARDLESS of how adverse I might find them? The kid with the thousand watt smile? The kid that will talk to anyone and brings people out of their shells? The kid that can make the million year grumpy looking grandma in the grocery line light up like a kid at Christmas?

That's when my old wounds started surfacing. I asked him if he thought he was good enough just the way he was. He told me no. I literally burst into tears (lucky that telephone pole and I didn't have another near miss meeting) on the spot. I told him that God made him exactly the way he was because this worlds NEEDS someone like him to show them how to love unconditionally.

Through tears, I told him that I grew up feeling like I was never good enough. I do love my parents, but there are things that they did that hurt me deeply. One of those things was to constantly tell me, "You should be more like your sister." That told me that the person that I was, the sensitive, shy, creative person that God made me, wasn't good enough.

So, through my tears, I told him that I NEVER wanted him to EVER feel like he wasn't good enough. God DOES NOT make junk. He made each of us the way we are, with our own special sets of gifts, no two alike, because we each contribute our own abilities to the world. Does that mean we are perfect in the sense that we will never make mistakes? Heavens no!! We all have things we have to work on to get better and more in line with God's plan, but our gifts that we have ARE good enough, and we don't have to walk around being jealous of the gifts that others have simply because we don't have them.

Oh how our children can bring things to the surface that we once thought was buried forever in the past.

I will probably be processing this for a few days, but if you struggle with not feeling good enough, just remember:

God does NOT make junk.
You ARE good enough!
God loves you JUST like you ARE!
There is only one you, and only you can make the impact on the world that God created you to make.

God bless and good night my friends. <3

The Gauntlet

Now that we have processed Gratitude, let's go one step further. No, this isn't going to be easy. It wasn't easy for me when I first started, but, as with anything, the more you practice, the better you get! In fact, God is still working on me in this area, but it is getting easier and it is even starting to feel good.

Let's go back to the group of friends that are in new relationships and/or newly engaged. You are still single.

Option 1: Whining

"God, whhhhhyyyyyyy not meeeee!" Inside you are jealous and mopey. You start thinking a million things: "Why not me? What's wrong with me? Really God? I know I'm not perfect, but I'm not that bad!"

It is quite an ugly sight. You start eating poorly, treating yourself badly, and thinking that you aren't worthy of a good healthy relationship.

"Eat not the bread of him who has a hard, grudging, and envious eye, neither desire his dainty foods; For as he thinks in his heart, so is he. As one who reckons, he says to you, eat and drink, yet his heart is not with you [but is grudging the cost]." Proverbs 23:6-7

Notice that I put in bold "For as he thinks in his heart, so is he". When you are whiney and start down the path of self destruction, much like the person with the hard, grudging, and envious eye, your actions will reflect this. People who are happy and in new relationships or are planning their marriage don't want to be around others that are bitter and resentful. You will find yourself alone. What do you say to yourself? "See!?! NO ONE wants to be around me! I'm wretched!"

Check your attitude. People who are happily in a new relationship and/or are about to get married don't need a million pounds of depression and self pitty falling down on top of them. If they are smart, they will distance themselves until you realize that you are your greatest demise.


Option 2: Not Whining

You congratulate your friends (to their face....with a smile....and MEAN IT), praise God for their good fortune, and give them a gift or other token of celebration for the new relationship/pending nuptials.

This stretches you. The first time that you step outside your comfort zone and do something for someone that they are getting but you want may even make you cry, but it will get easier. You may even start seeking out people who are getting what you want in order to bless them.

As a note, this doesn't mean that there won't be pain while you are in the in-between-time. God never promised us that the road would be easy, but we can make it easier on ourselves if we learn to accept God's plan for us and praise Him for what He does for others, and go one step further and bless them.

I need this post as much as anyone who will read it. I have recently been on that downward path, and I'm done with letting the devil win. I know that I am where I am because God needs me here now. He's not only working on me, but on my situations that I am struggling with.

Face it, if we always got what we wanted, we wouldn't need God. If we never faced adversity, how would we ever know God is a deliverer? There are TONS of verses that say the same thing (and I've always been told that when something shows up in the Bible multiple times, you'd better pay attention!), but this is the one that my heart rests on:

"The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge. He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold." Psalm 18:2

God bless you my friend. <3

Gratitude

How often do we sit around, being mopey about what God asks us to do? If it's anything like my son's response to me asking him to take a bath or put his toys away or throwing something away, I can bet it's often for us. (By the way, the above picture is my son after I asked him to take a bath.)

As I was listening to Joyce Meyers podcast on Friday, she said something that gave me an "ah HA!" moment. Say your child comes to you and asks you for a new toy. You have every intention of granting this request (because it's educational, right?!?), but you don't have time to do it right now, so you tell said child, "Sure! We'll go get it in a couple of weeks."

Imagine that child dragging around for two weeks saying (in a whiny voice), "I'll never get that leapster game!" You aren't exactly inclined to run to the store that second and buy it. In fact, that may push it off for a week or two, if we are being honest.

Now, in another universe, imagine said child asks for the (educational) toy and your response is the same - sure, in two weeks - but this time, the child walks around saying, "I can't WAIT to get that leapster game!! It's going to be so cool! Mom, thank you so much for agreeing to get that for me!" I would be far more inclined to find time in my schedule to get that toy faster if he walked around saying that.

Gratitude. “In everything give thanks; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus” (1 Thess. 5:18).

Let me put this in a more God/you relationship perspective:

You want something. Let's go with....a significant other. You're single, you want to settle down, you don't think there's THAT much wrong with you (everyone has their faults, right?), but you can't seem to find someone you want to settle down with in a permanent way. You get sick of seeming to date the same kind of person, so you figure out that you are the problem, and you change (with God's help).

You start dating again with a new attitude/outlook/action plan, and someone comes along that makes you think, "This could be it!" Then God says, "No! You are putting far more time/effort into them than you are in to me." Out they go.

Maybe God is asking you to wait just a *little* bit longer.

Here's where your gratitude (or lack thereof) comes into play.

Option 1: Whining

"I'm NEVER going to meet THE ONE. Poor POOOOORRR meeeee." *Drag face across floor* (real cute)

Option 2: Not Whining

"God, thank you for this valley. Thank you for this time I am not tied down to someone so that I can serve You and Your house. Thank You for putting the desire of having an earthly companion into my heart, and thank You for working on both of us in this time, and I praise You for the (wo)man you are going to bless my socks off with!"

I think I'm going to try gratitude. :)

Being Stretched

My life has become very busy lately. This week I have been volunteering at Adventure Week at my church. It has stretched me. A lot.

I love volunteering. I love giving my extra time to my church so that I don't have idle hands that will get into things they have no business being in. There is a large part of me that wishes I would be able to do something new, a situation that stretches me, a little more gracefully.

This week has not seen me and grace in the same room often. I'm tired, but I haven't "allowed" myself to go to sleep before midnight (though I am getting home at 10 p.m.). It really is my own fault. At the same time, I don't want to take something that will put me to sleep because I know that I will feel drugged well into the next day (the hazards of a sensitive system).

In this time of being stretched, I have met some of the most amazing people. Some of them are staff members at my church. Others are volunteers. The kids are just absolutely funny to me. They get up and jump around and sing and dance and just GLOW. It's really awesome.

Where I end, where my abilities end, where my strength ends, there God begins. I know God is growing me, though I don't know what for specifically, but I'm thankful that God loves me enough to know me and to grow me.

I'll post again on Sunday. God bless you my friends and I pray you are growing too!

The Man and the Butterfly

Once upon a time, a man came across the cocoon of a butterfly.

One day a small opening appeared. The man sat and watched the butterfly for several hours as it struggled to force its body through the little hole. Then it seemed to stop making any progress. It appeared as if it had gotten as far as it could, and it could go no further.

So the man decided to help the butterfly. He took a pair of scissors and snipped off the remaining bit of the cocoon.
The butterfly then emerged easily. But it had a bloated body and tiny, shrivelled wings.

The man continued to watch the butterfly. He thought that at any moment the wings would enlarge and expand and the body would shrink – allowing it to be able to fly up into the air.

But neither happened. The butterfly was never able to fly and spent the rest of its life crawling around with a swollen body and shrivelled wings.
What the man did not understand was that the butterfly’s struggle to get out of the tiny opening in the cocoon was required to force fluid from its body to its wings so that it would be ready for flight once it emerged.
In his kindness, the man ultimately harmed the butterfly.

Moral: Sometimes struggles are exactly what we need in our lives. If we went through our lives without any obstacles, it would cripple us.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

My brother-in-law told me a variation of this story today and I had to look it up. I'm posting it here now, but will blog about it tomorrow.

I realized that I do not have time to write a post every day, so instead, on my way to work, I have started talking to God more about what I am thankful for rather than what I am worried about. It has helped tremendously and I will continue to do this because I know how much I like to hear my son tell me thank you, I know God loves to hear it too.

I'll post my thoughts about this story tomorrow. Good night and God bless you my friends!

Thankful List # 1

I'm totally going to step up to this challenge. Mainly because I feel like I need to change what my focus is. Not that I don't want to post how God brought me through my troubles, and what those troubles are, but because life is so much more than troubles. I'll start this list now, but will probably have to finish it later (busy day today):

1. God, I am so thankful that You provided me with a job that I love, that is tailored for me specifically.

2. I am thankful for the vehicle that I drive that has been with me for the last four years.

3. I am thankful for my son. Thank you Father for his heart that is so filled with love for everyone (even when that love is not returned and his feelings are hurt).

4. Thank you for the opportunity to go to court to ((hopefully)) explain why I was a day late on paying a speeding ticket and not having to come up with the extra $160.00. God, even if I do have to come up with that, I know You have my back.

I'll edit and add more later!

5. I am thankful for a wonderful team of people to play sand volleyball with.

6. I am thankful for the prosecutor who had a bit of mercy on me today.

7. I am thankful for getting to where I needed to go today safely.

8. I am thankful for being sore from our first practice.

9. I am thankful for my ankle holding up through practice (and I pray it continues this trend tomorrow).

10. I am thankful for the rest I am about to get.

That's my list for today. I will find 10 more things to be thankful for tomorrow! Good night and God bless my friends. <3

Challenged!

Yesterday I received an e-mail from one of my friends. He is an amazing example of God's love. He just got married to a woman who is just absolutely gorgeous and the sweetest person. Actually, while my parents were here from California, they got married. I wouldn't miss it for the world, so I drug my parents to their wedding so I could see it. :)

Anyway, after I read his e-mail last night, I responded to him and thanked him for including me on the list. Hearing the things that God has done in his life and through him is just absolutely a blessing to me. I also included the link to this site. He responded back and told me, "...YES share your Blessings (too)"

That made me pause.

Lately...actually, since the beginning of the year, I have been going through storm after storm and, I'll be straight honest, it is HARD some days to look back and think, "Wow! What an awesome blessing today was God! Thank you so much!" I'm kind of tired of storms, though I know that, as a Christian, if I am constantly chasing God and His will and His desires for my life, I'm going to be faced with a lot of them.

But I NEED to start looking back at each day and REALLY finding the good spots. So what if they aren't all, "I won the lottery, then I met the man of my dreams, then I booked my first ever REAL vacation with my son to Disney World, and then I got a huge raise at work, and then I adopted 10 at-risk teens who all instantly gave their lives to Jesus because I am bad ass!" I'll admit, that would be one amazing day, but where would I go from there? How could anything possibly top a day like that? It couldn't.

His e-mail came at a good time for me. Today was tough. Last night I was up until 1:45 a.m. packing and worrying (instead of praying and journaling), which resulted in me being extra tired today with a low tolerance level for people being...people. Today was also the day that every upset move and rebate client decided they wanted to talk to ME.

And then my boss comes in and hands me a credit card statement and looked at my quite messy desk with a look that needed no words to accompany it ("Would you clean up your desk and get something done on credit card reconciliations please?!?!").

I'm home now. Reflecting on my day. I can chose to look back and think, "What an awful and busy day filled with (fill in the blank)!" But I think I'm going to try something different:

God, thank You for helping me handle clients who were upset and high maintenance more gracefully than I was otherwise inclined to. Help me to do even better next time. Thank YOU for giving me the steadiness of mind to work through credit card reconciliations and disburse ALL requests to their accurate parties in a quick, efficient, and professional manner. Father, help me to wrap everything up with them by Friday so that is one less looming task I have to stare at and worry about. Help me to get real, honest, and genuine rest tonight. Help me to remember that You are in control, no matter how big or many my storms are. Thank you for all you do for me. Thank you for carrying me when I can't carry myself. Amen

In thinking about it, I may start posting 10 things I'm thankful for every day. I wonder how long I can go without repeating.... :)

Until next time my friends. God bless!

There's An App For That!

This morning I went to church and I got there a bit early, so I sat in the congregation (I don't know if that's the right word, but I was sitting in a chair in the audience waiting for service to start), preparing my tithe and, in general, just feeling really good after a season of not feeling happy.

The band comes out, the auditorium lights go down, and I see this person that I assumed was an usher with, what I assumed again, is a flash light, showing some people to a seat right next to me. Awesome! An opportunity to meet someone new! Then all of them, person with the flash light included, all take their places next to me. I then realized that the "flash light" was on the person's phone. There's an app for that!

And that started the wheels in my head turning. Society is moving towards the convenient and instant gratification app system. Need a flash light? There's an app for that! Need to know directions somewhere? There's an app for that! Need a Bible reference? There's an app for that too! Now, I don't have a smart phone, I'm just not that technologically advanced, however I would assume that there is an app for needing prayer.

The one thing in this world that there is no app for is God. A phone can tell you the date, time, what your schedule is, what sports teams are playing, what restaurant is the best, where your friends are.......but it can't tell you what God's will is for your life.

There is no substitution or short cut for quiet time, prayer, reading the Bible, and genuine Christian relationships. Sometimes in my life I forget that, and I can definitely tell when I let day to day busy-ness take over. I lose touch with my real friends, I start exhibiting behaviors that are not glorifying to God, and I second guess who I am and what I need to be doing. That also corresponds to me having a bad attitude, thinking way too highly of myself, and believing that I can do life on my own.

God isn't a vending machine where I ask and receive,
He isn't a bank where I put a card in and money comes out,
He isn't a thing you can put in a box and set on your shelf,
He desires a REAL and GENUINE relationship with YOU!

Yes you! The one that is lost and lonely and scared. The one that messed up, caused other people harm on purpose, drank too much, did far too many drugs, stole from others, and lied. The one that cheated on their significant other, watches porn on a regular basis, and swears like a sailor.

He even wants to know you, the girl who slept with more men than she cares to remember, the girl who dresses in revealing clothing to get attention, all because you feel invisible and like no one will like you if you don't perform for them. GOD wants to have a relationship with YOU! He wants your hurts, and He can take your anger. He doesn't want someone who will perform and be perfect, He wants someone who just wants to know Him for who He really is...gentle, loving, accepting, forgiving, merciful, just, and understanding.

I pray for whoever I just wrote that for. I hadn't intended on going that direction, but if this post touched you, please let me know, either as a comment or through e-mail.

God bless you friends!

Stress

I have learned that me under an immense amount of stress makes me not able to write as well as I would otherwise like to. This means that I am not dealing with my stress as I should - by prayer, petition, and trusting God.

Today I realized that God has brought me through FAR worse than what I'm facing now, and I AM STILL HERE! I also started thinking: Is it more "holy" to suffer? Is it glorifying to God for me to walk around with a bad attitude and take it out on everyone? No on both accounts. All I'm doing is showing my butt.

On top of that, it's not inspiring anyone to want to get to know God more when I'm walking around with my face on the ground and grieving the situations in my life.

So today I choose to pick my face up off the ground, not show my butt, and praise God through this storm! Why? Because life isn't fair, and, frankly, I wouldn't want to get my just deserts because then Jesus wouldn't have died on the cross for my sins so that I could have a personal relationship with God.

"He is your praise; he is your God, who performed for you those great and awesome wonders you saw with your own eyes." Deuteronomy 10:21

Storm after Storm after Storm.....

I am exhausted. Weary to the bone. I have found my end and reached it. Or hyper-extended it. One of the two.

Last night a really bad set of storms rolled through our area. That included tornadoes. One touched down about 10 miles away while my particular area got pelted with golf ball size to baseball size hail stones. My car got it. Almost completely shattered windshield. Insurance won't cover it (liability only).

Frankly, I went into work today feeling like everyone was picking on me. I have been feeling lonely these last few days and that hasn't helped much. Yesterday a co-worker's boyfriend asked me to take part in a grand romantic gesture for her. Not exactly what I wanted to do, but I did it anyway because I knew how much it would mean to her. Her response was positive but then, out of jest, she called me a name that she intended to be endearing that I find to be revolting. *twist knife NOW*

My apartment management thinks I am annoying beyond necessity and treats me like I don't matter. Thanks guys. My windshield needs to be replaced, but I have no money to replace it.

Sigh.

I had told the high school ministry last week that I would be there this week (on Wednesday) to help them do data entry stuff for summer camp that is fast approaching. Last night I text them and said I wouldn't be able to make it because of my windshield (at the time I wasn't sure what the extent of the damage was).

This morning another wave of loneliness washed over me, the broken window and realization that I would have to find a way to get it fixed washed over me, and more romantic stories from the co-worker washed over me. Let's just say that I ended up sitting in my office, crying.

I had sent my apartment management an e-mail to let them know that the skylight had sustained damage. Several hours later I receive an e-mail back letting me know that my front door is standing wide open and my cat is out. They had no intention of closing and locking the door for me.

I left work early, drained of absolutely everything. No will to fight, no will to laugh, no will to do anything but lay down and let God take me home. It's been a long time since I've gotten to that point. I got home, my sister on the phone with me to make sure it was just me not locking the door properly and not a breaking and entering issue, and all was in order. My cat, Miu, was sitting inside looking like the world was just fine by her.

I hung up with my sister and just dropped onto my face, bawling like an infant, and telling God that I am done.

I ended up going to church tonight and honoring my word. I promised I'd be there, so I went. It helped me to feel better. Get out of myself and provide assistance where I was able. I'm still quite drained tonight, and crying isn't out of the question, but I know God has me. I know God is going to work all of this out according to His will. Like I tell my son, "Our God is SOOO much bigger than this storm. It may seem big and ugly and bad right NOW, but what the devil means for destruction, God means for instruction, growth, and good."

I'm simply going to take one step at a time. Where ever His light hits that path, that's where my foot will go.

God's grace is sufficient for me. Good night friends, and God bless. <3

Verbosity

After reading through my posts, I realized that I'm a very verbose person. And sometimes a sloppy writer, but that's another post. I like to add animation and color and commentary to my words. I also noticed that my blog seemed dark and stuffy, so I updated the layout and color scheme.

There is one thing you will learn about me quickly: I LOVE swirly designs. In fact, I have a tattoo on my left forearm that is swirly.



It says: inspire

Why? Because I wanted to remind myself that my actions need to inspire others for GOOD. I want to get a cross on my other forearm. Oh, and I love tattoos. I don't have any hope of being all "tatted up", but if it reflects something in my heart, I probably want to find a way to put it on my body through ink and needle.

I want to inspire others to seek God in their triumphs as much as they seek Him during their trials. It also helps remind me of what I need to be seeking in my trials as well as in my triumphs.

God bless you friends <3

Prayers Answered, But Not Like Expected

Sigh.

Heavy heart. Sort of. Since May 2nd, I have had an issue with my apartment. A leak in the roof/ceiling that led to a wet wall, problem. My apartment management didn't do anything about it. In comes another storm on May 12th and more water came in. The drywall beneath it continued to be squishy in places.

I rallied to the best of my ability to get out of my lease a month early. No luck. I tried again. Again, no luck.

Today, 21 days after the initial water damage, I call the regional manager for my apartment community. The leasing agent doesn't appear to care, so I skipped over her and went on to someone that could make something happen. She gave me a few excuses and I kind of let it be, however after thinking about it, it was clear that she thought I was having issues with the water spot in the ceiling. The water spot has been there since I moved in, so had that been the reason I had been uppity, I would have been uppity ten months ago.

So I e-mail her my concerns...again. She writes back that mold needs somewhere dark and constantly wet. To my recollection builders don't put lights in the walls (and if they do, I want to know how to turn them off since I can't benefit from them and they are driving up my electricity bill). I email her back, this time attaching pictures, and told her that if I can gently push my wall and and it gives easily under light pressure, moisture is there and there aren't any lights between the interior and exterior wall.

I said it a lot more professionally, but on here, I'm just going to be myself. Quirky. It's how I roll.

I don't get a response.

Fast forward to 5:30 p.m. when I am arriving home from a mentally strenuous day at work (mostly from my mind thinking thoughts that it shouldn't and me trying my hardest to stop it from reeling out of control). A man is standing in my window and he appears to be painting.

I go in, not upset at him by any means, and greet him. Gideon thinks it's cool that he's paining my wall. I inspect (with my carpenter daughter's eyes - thank you Dad for being a carpenter and teaching me many things in that regard) the wall and you can definitely tell that he put a new piece of drywall in. I am thankful. I ask him about the presence of mold, and he talks his way around it. I expected that response. He tells me that he had to replace five feet of wall. I believe it.

After he finished up, I thanked him for his diligence and a job well done. I will be e-mailing the regional manager tomorrow morning, thanking her for ((finally)) taking care of the issue ((21 days later)). I'll leave those little bits out. :)

I am thankful for the problem being resolved, however I was praying for a different resolution. What I wanted to have happen is us being able to move out a month earlier. Sounds odd, right? Well, it could be construed as odd, however that month we would stay with a very dear and sweet friend and her family. They have a house big enough and she and her husband happen to be Gideon's god-parents. They also happen to not like where we live. ((I can't say that I blame them.))

Why did I want to stay with them? Because it would mean a financial break for me. I wouldn't be accruing an electric bill for a month and a half (the new apartment isn't ready until July 15th), I wouldn't have rent due for a month and a half, and it would allow me some financial breathing room.

Yes, I struggle financially. God ALWAYS brings me through whatever storms come my way, and I fully rely on Him to do so, but sometimes I do wish for more than just getting by. I want to build a cushion so that I can sail through those storms just a little more on the graceful/smooth side.

It just occurred to me that God may want me to just keep on depending on Him and not on anything I can do. Of course I know this already, but I think He is trying to remind me of that lesson that I learned the ((very)) hard way over four years ago.

Thank you Lord Jesus Christ for being dependable. Thank YOU for always getting me through. Thank You for the trials. Thank YOU for prayers answered, even when they aren't answered in the way that I would probably otherwise prefer. I love you and I thank You for all you are for me and all that You do for me. Amen

When Things Get In Our Way

Today, on our way to roller skating, there was a 5th wheel on fire. Think inferno. Flames reached higher than the fire truck that was next to it. Scary! I was the first one stopped by the police (along with three lanes of traffic behind me). in I prayed. I prayed for whoever it belonged to, I prayed that every person was okay, I prayed that God would bless the work of the hands of the emergency crews on site, I prayed for people behind me to be patient. Prayingprayingpraying...

I'm honestly not sure how long we were waiting. Half an hour? Three crews of fire trucks showed up. Four police cars were there. It was interesting/scary. I wasn't afraid of the fire jumping over and making my car explode by any means, but I put myself in those people's shoes. How heart breaking and scary that would be to have something I worked hard to get gone in a second.

Somewhere in the waiting, this woman marches up to a police officer with an envelope. As she is marching, she is frantically digging something out of an envelope. Curious, I watch. My son has his window down, so I can hear her almost as clearly as if she were standing at my window talking to me.

Apparently she had concert tickets that cost her $40.00 each and this "little hold up" was unnecessary and was going to make her late for the concert. Apparently the band wasn't going to wait for them to get there. The police officer motioned towards the now-smouldering (less inferno-like) 5th wheel and, as calmly as I have ever seen, asked her to go back to her car until this was under control.

I can't say I was all that disappointed or upset or unsettled about being stopped. The fire looked bad and things were blowing up inside of it. Frankly, I'd rather be late to just about anything rather than putting my son or myself in harms way. The police officers were doing their job; protecting public safety while ensuring other emergency vehicles could take care of the eminent danger.

How often do we see hold-ups or interruptions to OUR plans as "the world's" way of flipping us the bird? What if it is God's way of saying, "I really need this person prayed for on a massive level and I'm going to take the tragedy that is occurring to them to make that happen!" Romans 8:28 "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him,a who have been called according to his purpose."

Maybe God used that so that people can pray for those involved. Maybe God used that as a way to prevent some catastrophic multi-car pile-up where lots of people would be hurt/injured/maimed/killed/financially devastated? I don't know.

I just keep praying whenever the opportunity arises, and boy does it arise a lot!

God bless you friends!

Taking Chances

After the accident that I witnessed a week and a half ago, I have become more sensitive to traffic, or, more accurately, people's driving. As with most people who are involved in or witness to traffic accidents, I have become hyper-vigilant about making sure I have extra space between me and the car in front of me and making sure I have more than ample room to get through an intersection when I'm turning.

Yesterday, as my son and I were on our way to skating, I noticed several people who pulled out in front of oncoming traffic in order to turn into a business or apartment community. Each time I saw that, I cringed and prayed for them. They all made it to their intended destination safely, but their actions, and mine for that matter, made me think; Do we take as many risks for God as we do with our lives to get somewhere 5 seconds before we otherwise would have?

Pretty much everyone I know, both Christian and non-Christian alike, want to be accepted. They don't want to do something that goes against the grain of society because they are afraid their friends are going to make fun of them for showing that extra measure of kindness to that person that is not seen as someone who deserves kindness, or giving up going out to dinner and instead going out and buying a little girl some shoes whose parents cannot afford new shoes for her.... I could go on, but you get the picture.

I want to be that person that is set apart. So what if I do something that others don't think is "cool"? I want to be more afraid of disappinting God than I am of looking foolish to people around me.

Food for thought. Happy Wednesday and God bless you!

Reconciliation and Forgiveness

God is working on me. He impressed on my heart four very specific things during the Flavour Conference: Writing, Reconciliation/Forgiveness, a single mom that I am friends with, and Gossip.

Writing: I attribute that to this blog, however poorly I may write sometimes, I know God has blessed me with the ability to write well when I set my mind to it. When I was 16, I received a President's Award for a poem. I still have pieces of that poem memorized. :) Maybe God has something else in mind for me as far as writing goes, but I'm going to start here and let Him lead me where He will in this regard.

The Single Mom: She is young, her child is younger than mine. I like her because she has a very sweet heart. One of our mutual friends saw me at the conference and pulled me aside and told me that she felt led to tell me that I should come along side this young mother and her young son as a parental mentor. She told me that I am an amazing mother (I love that people think that of me even if there are times I can point out where I am not) and she thought it would benefit this person if I were to help guide her.

This morning I got on facebook messenger and she was on, so I messaged her and asked her if I could give her some of the toys Gideon doesn't play with anymore. She gladly accepted, but then said she would like to get her son and my son together to play. Her son is lonely and needs friends. I can understand that. I felt lonely and in need of friends when I was a child, and to some extent, I still feel that way, but it is becoming less and less.

Gossip: Boy, that's always a big one. There are a few people in my office I don't particularly care for. There is one in particular that I don't like the way she operates. She does her best to stir up hate and discontent whenever she is unsatisfied with herself and that typically causes one of my co-workers and I a good deal of time and emotional disturbance because both of us have to work with her. Regardless of how I feel, God is asking me to step outside of myself and put myself in the one who is stirring up discourse's shoes. I'm trying. This one is still developing. The step I have taken in this is asking my co-worker to not involve me in gossip for the sake of making herself feel better or being hateful just for the hell of it.

Reconciliation/Forgiveness: Probably something that God works on with everyone every single day they have breath. One person in particular that God put on my heart is someone that I had a mentor/mentee relationship with three and a half years ago. I have carried hurt around with the way she abruptly stopped responding to my e-mails (even after me sending her a couple of e-mails with very private information about myself that I had never opened up to anyone about prior to then) for three years. God helped me find a way to forgiveness.

Yesterday, I sent her a message on FB. Nothing overtly profound, but just telling her I forgive her for the hurt I feel she caused. I also told her that it hurt my heart to hear (through a mutual friend) that she has gone through a tough time and that I was praying for her.

The response was not what I expected. She declined knowing that what we had was a mentor/mentee relationship, but apologized for the hurt she caused. Totally not what I expected. I went back and read the last e-mail exchange we had three years ago (sadly, I did keep it, however until today, I haven't ever gone back and read it). From what I could see, the mentorship relationship was there. I didn't know what else to say. I responded and said that I had read our last exchange and that the mentorship relationship was there from what I could see, but I'm thankful that God has brought me to healing and that I would continue to pray for her.

And now I can move forward, sowing the seeds of the past to God so He can bring about a harvest that will make up for all the time lost, hurt, and tears.

I've noticed that the four things God put on my heart during the conference came in quick succession, however I also know that it isn't about being obedient once, it is about CONTINUAL obedience. It's easy to do something once, but doing something over and over again is another story.

I'm curious and intreagued on where God's leading me next...

Have a wonderfully blessed Wednesday friends!

Hands and Feet

NEVER underestimate God's ability to use you. Regardless of your physical condition, age, race, creed, social status, size or circumstances.

Tonight, after I posted my last entry, I went to my son's godmother's house to pick up some produce that was delivered to her for me. On my way out to the car, my left foot caught the smallest of cracks and I ended up twisting my ankle. I have done this many a time before, but never quite so close to the starting of sand volleyball season (three weeks away).

I pick myself up off the ground (ended up landing on my back...thank you God for gravity, even if it does hurt from time to time), got in my car and drove to the skating rink to see my family and watch my son skate. At around 8, we packed up and started on our way home. Got to the turn signal where there was a small Volkswagen in front of me and patiently waited since we didn't have a green arrow. The Volkswagen got in the middle of the intersection and then slowly pulled out in front of oncoming traffic. One car, in particular. The person in that car couldn't stop in time. She tried to swerve, but it was too late. She ended up colliding with the Volkswagon, hitting the curb at the corner and taking out a street sign, finally coming to rest on the sidewalk. The VW ended up about 10 feet away from her facing the same direction.

As soon as traffic cleared, I did a U turn and pulled into the gas station at that corner. I get out and survey the two cars. The VW had an elderly man in it and someone was making sure he was okay, so I turned my attention to the other car. In it was a woman and her son. Since I am a single mom and have a heart for moms, I went to her, asked her if she was ok, and asked her if she needed help out. She was able to get out of her own free will. I then turned my attention to her son. He was shaking and crying and dazed.

I got him out of the car and made sure he really was ok, and he was other than the shock of it all. I called the police as I ran to the store and grabbed them water, came back out and got my son out of our car. He didn't quite know what to think about it all. Right then all the emergency vehicles showed up: a fire engine, an ambulance, two police officers, and two tow trucks. Both cars were rendered undriveable. I dare say the VW has seen it's last days.

Since the woman, Geeta, had to talk to the police and the little boy was sitting on the grass by himself, I asked my son to go talk to him. Though there is 6 year age difference between them, I wanted to see how Gideon would react to people in their time of need, and what better way than to start with a real-life experience! So I made sure they were in an area where I could see them easily while I made sure Geeta was okay and also making myself available to the police officers for a statement.

Sure, other people had stopped to look, but they didn't stick around long. I just wasn't about to leave them alone. Being in a car accident is a very scary thing and having someone there to care for you in your time of need can be such a great comfort.

So we stayed. Her son needed to use the restroom, however she was having to be there with the police officers and didn't have time to break away to take him to the bathroom, so I asked her if I could, and she agreed. I can only imagine that she was a little cautious, but given the circumstances, and the fact that I have a young child, she consented and we went.

I gave my statement to the police, the cars were both taken away, and they had a friend come and pick them up. While their friend was on his way, I stayed with them after all the emergency personnel had gone. I told Geeta that I will wait with them to make sure they are okay and taken care of and not feeling stranded.

She said the most amazing thing to me. "You are God in human flesh to me right now. God bless you!" WWWWOOOOWWWW! I didn't think I was doing anything more than having a heart for another human being in their time of need, but I know that my being there for her was EXACTLY what Jesus would have done. I hugged her and even held her from time to time, making sure she knew she wasn't alone and I wasn't going to leave her until she and her son were taken care of.

The funny thing is, she cleaned out her car and had all her stuff in a pile on the ground. She asked if I had a box and, funny enough, I did! I picked up boxes from work today because I am starting the packing process since I'm going to be moving in a couple of months. I had taken one round of boxes in, but had left the biggest box in my car. Not for any particular reason (to my knowledge at the time), I just didn't take the time to take it in. Now I am thankful that I didn't take it out of my car!

I gave her my name, address and phone number in case her insurance company needed it for a statement from me (seeing as how I gave a statement to the police, I knew my name and information would be brought up eventually) and my son and I went on our way.

It impressed my heart deeply with how my son was able to handle the situation. Not only did he get to see an active accident scene and how each agency that arrived had their certain tasks to complete and how well they all worked together as a team, but he showed such compassion and openness to this mother and her child in a time of tragedy. I thanked him for being so open and kind and loving to someone in their time of need and I told him that I was proud of him for the way he conducted himself. His face lit up as he thanked me. He then said, "Thank you for being an awesome mommy!" Such love!!!

So, though I twisted my ankle and couldn't run, God used me, limping and all, to be there for Geeta and her son. I don't have a lot of money, but buying someone water isn't going to break my bank. Please let this be an example to you. You don't have to be rich, skinny, famous, beautiful, or skilled. USE WHAT YOU HAVE to touch the lives around you. God will bridge the gaps!! Don't know what to say? Ask God for the words! He will show up in mighty ways when you make yourself available to be used.

Father God, I thank you for the opportunity you presented me with tonight! Thank you that you used me to be Your hands and feet, even if one of said feet happened to be limping! Thank You for being You, in all your divine glory and power and mercy! God, I want to be used by you! Break my heart wide open, allow me the opportunity to step into other people's shoes and have a better understanding of their life circumstances so I can approach them with love, compassion, caring, and a helping hand. Amen!

Has it really been 2 months!?!?

Yes, it really has. I have been ignoring this site because I have made myself too busy to post. :/ Not exactly following God's request for me to post a couple/few times a week, but I'm back!

Over the last three days (Thursday, Friday, Saturday), I attended the Flavour Conference (women's conference) at my church. On Thursday night, I dropped my son off with my brother-in-law after they offered to take him so that I could enjoy the conference, focus on God, and not have to worry about fussing over him or feeling bad because he was spending far more time in a daycare environment instead of being able to get out and play and run and be a kid.

Well, last week, I came down with bronchitis. Yucky stuff. I'm still feeling the effects of it (lovin' the cough! Ok, not really). Well, on Thursday night, I was feeling VERY bad. I had been coughing for two days straight (couldn't seem to take the right thing to make it go away), my head wanted nothing more than to explode (thus putting me out of my misery...I was open to that idea. I know where I'm going when I die), I was exhausted, and I had been in this cycle of pain that was starting to affect every part of me (seeing that I had to walk up stairs in order to get to my apartment made me cry because my knees were hurting so bad).

So before the conference started, I went to the pharmacy and asked them what I could take to break this up. The pharmacist, a lovely woman, suggested Mucinex D and Advil, so I bought it, took both of them, ate (though I wasn't hungry), and ended up taking myself to the conference.

An hour after I took the medication, I was finally starting to feel the pain that was attacking my body leave!! The speaker that evening was Charlotte Gambill. At first, I didn't think I would like her because she talked so fast and, being from England, had an accent that, while talking fast, made it excessively difficult for me to understand much of anything that came out of her mouth.

But I stayed.

The subject that she taught on (the subject of the conference) was "She went out on a limb and learned she could fly". WWWWOOOOOWWWW!!!! I took notes. I honestly don't remember anything super specific, but after three days of these amazing women of God pouring into me, and not referring back to my notes this very moment, you can only imagine that good note taking skills are necessary so you can "feed" yourself in smaller doses for a long time to come.

As I left, I realized that I wasn't hurting anymore. No headache, my knees didn't ache, my body didn't ache, nothing! Where once exhaustion existed, an ever deeper exhaustion entered. I felt like over-cooked spaghetti. Driving home, I was quite careful so as to avoid any fatigue-related car accidents. I also felt something else: Spiritual Renewal! I hadn't realized that the last week of being ill had not only taken a toll on me physically, but spiritually as well. I felt my fire for God starting to build again!!

So much has happened over the last two months. I have purposefully ignored this blog, but it has never been very far from my mind. I can almost guarantee you that I thought about it once a day. It makes me sad and disappointed in myself for not just getting on and start pecking away at the keys to see what God wanted me to write, but that's what I love so much about God! He will keep after you until you are obedient or He will find someone else to bless through their obedience!

Let me just say, I'd rather be the one He blesses. If He something for me, I'm going to do it, regardless of how I feel. So my journey begins again.

In Him <3

Passionate

I love playing sand volleyball. I love playing it to an extent that is seriously verging on insanity. I equate this to men who sit around and watch football like it's a religion.

I'm also very competative when it comes to playing volleyball. It's how God made me. I never knew just how competative I was until I discovered sand volleyball and my love therein.

Today I put an e-mail out to my office to let them know that I am starting a team (with most of the team covered because there are a few people I know in my office that love to play as well). I asked who wanted to be on the distribution list for game dates/times and who wanted to play.

Let me just say that a couple of people responded that I'm kinda scared to know how they play. Mostly because, for one person in particular, I know how poorly they play. While that scares me, it is also a challenge to me. I have to learn how to play with people I may not particularly care for and/or who aren't particularly good at it. I have to be able to coach them on how to become better without being rude or ugly.

As much as I may not necessarily be looking forward to learning those lessons, I know I will be blessed for my efforts as long as I ask God to speak through me instead of me taking it on as my own.

My work team is happening Wednesday nights.

This is how much of a nut I am for sand volleyball: I'm also going to be on a team on Thursday nights with my team from last year at church.

Lots of practices to come! I'm so stoked! And I'm heaping praises on God for him providing me the opportunities to coach as well as just be apart of each team.

What are your passions?

Forgiveness

That's always a big topic. Forgiveness is something most everyone I know has an issue with giving as well as receiving, which always strikes me as odd because God forgives us instantly when we ask with the right heart. It's difficult for us to accept God's forgiveness because we feel guilty. It's difficult for us to GIVE forgiveness to those that hurt or wrong us because we may not FEEL like forgiving them.

All in all, this forgiveness business is a mess.

I recently found that I was harboring unforgiveness for someone I see at least 5 days a week (at work). For the last couple of weeks, every time we got on a topic where we (clearly) don't see eye to eye or have the same values, I could feel my chest tightening. One day, my right arm started to tingle.

I'm no doctor, but I was raised by a Registered Nurse and I know that that tingeling is not a good sign. This past Tuesday, I went to my women's group at church where we discussed forgiveness. I have walked in the light of forgiveness, in the light of giving it and feeling the relief of it, so I was excited about the topic. The following day, however, when I felt my chest tightening while having a conversation with my friend, I realized that I was holding onto unforgiveness for her.

WOW!

So I simply told her that I just realized that I was holding onto unforgiveness for her, and no I didn't want to talk about it (how many times had we discussed it in the past and only ended up crying and leaving mad? Too many to count...), but I'm bringing it into the light so I can allow God to deal with it.

She was rendered a little speechless. I was as well.

So I started going over the notes from my women's group and came across a couple of things I wanted to post here.

~Forgiving someone is not saying their actions are right or ok, you are simply releasing yourself from the hold that person has on you and giving them over to God.
This reminds me of something I read in "The Shack". A very good book.
~Forgiveness is not just about saying the words, but putting action behind them
~Stop wishing something could have been different in your past.
~Lose the edge in your voice and attitude - the edge of pride. "Well, I forgave that person so I'm better than they are."

No. You. Aren't.

~Choose to not engage in negative conversation. Don't put people down for what they want to discuss, just don't engage or allow yourself to become engaged in a pitty party or angry rant fest.
~Unforgiveness can be one big boulder, but it can also be the little things.
~Your child is not acting like you expect him/her to.
~That dude in traffic that cut you off or tailgated you.
~Your boss didn't say good morning to you.
~Your coworkers don't appreciate anything you do...

Through out all of that, I was wondering something. "HOW do I forgive?" Well, I have notes on that too!

GRACE!

G: Give it to God. Your problems may be bigger than you, but they certainly aren't too big for God!

R: Remember you have been forgiven.

A: Accept God's teaching. What is God trying to teach you through all the negativity? It can be difficult to see through all of that to see the goodness of God, but it's there.

C: Capture your thoughts. Whenever a negative thought comes to mind, even the ones that won't let you go no matter how much you try to push it away, capture it! And don't just capture it, but find a scripture focus that you can replace it with that is the complete opposite of what that negative/bad thought is. (I may start posting some of the ones I use to get me through the negative thoughts that bombard me.)

E: Experience Freedom. When you have overcome the negative thoughts and the negative people, and have truly forgiven those in your life that have hurt you, you will feel a weight drop off of your shoulders that you may well feel like you could float.

I can tell you, from recent personal experience, that just knowing that I was holding onto unforgiveness for my friend and giving the situation over to God helped me feel like some huge weight had dropped clean off me. The thing about it is that my unforgiveness isn't just a matter of one thing, it's three YEARS of built up crud that I need to work on. Every day I ask God to reveal something about it to me, and, you know what? He never fails to do just that. I have a better understanding today on why exactly I was holding onto a grudge than I did the day I discovered I had it.

One last note before I let this Friday roll.

Forgiveness is not based on merit, it is based on GRACE.

Have a wonderfully blessed weekend my friends! In Him <3

Moving On

I promise I haven't ignored this site on purpose. A LOT has been going on since I last posted...oh boy...where to start.

I'll start with what I originally started with: The Guy. I'm just going to call him Guy from here on out. Saves me time and trouble (and protects his identity and preserves his privacy).

So, after the "break" that ultimately lasted a little over three weeks (I asked him to contact me when he thought he was ready to talk again), Guy e-mailed me. He said he had discussed "us" with his mentor and his mentor said that Guy should be more focused on God and his walk and getting through the divorce and working out all the emotions that go with that instead of dating. Guy said that his life was boring and lacking in color without me and he wanted me back.

How divided my heart was. I'll be honest, it was nice to hear that. Everyone wants to be missed. Instead of jumping on that chance, I talked to my mentor who is just absolutely amazing. It never fails that if I really need encouragement and pointed in the right direction, this woman is the one to do it. She rarely asks me how I feel (not because she doesn't care, but in matters of bigger picture things - like Guy and direction for my life - they really don't), but she asks me, "Have you prayed about it? What has God told you?"

So I discussed the Guy issue with her over lunch the same day I got the e-mail and she pointed me to God. She told me what she thought would be best for my life and my walk, told me to keep seeking God's desires (by then I had already known that God wanted me to walk away from Guy, but my fleshly desire was to keep him).

The one thing she said that gave me ultimate comfort for my soul is this: "Regardless of what you choose to do, I'm not going anywhere. You are my sister in Christ and I love you and I'll be here for you no matter what." I walked away from that lunch DETERMINED to be obedient to God.

God wanted me to stand up for my principles and values. God wanted me to walk away so He could work on Guy. God showed me that, if I made the decision to take him back, my whole life would be in ruin in three years.

I have never stood up to a guy for my principles and values. I have never walked away from or said no to any guy who has said what Guy said to me in that e-mail, but, most of all, I know I didn't want to destroy what God has so graceously provided for us all for a man.

I wrote him back. I will post what I wrote simply because they are my words and I'm giving myself permission. I will not post what he wrote to me because I do not have his permission. We are no longer in contact. I know that obedience was definitely the right way to go. It hurt because I am your typical average woman who wants a man in her life, but I'm not willing to sacrifice myself for it any more. God is in control. If Guy is not the man meant for me, then God has someone better in mind who is willing to love God more than he loves himself and do things God's way.

Without further ado, my response:

Guy,

I really appreciate your e-mail, but...

As much as I do miss you and care about you, after a lot of prayer and talking to a couple of different people - both of which know my heart and know you aren't a bad guy - I think that I would do you a huge disservice if I consented to getting back together with you.

I can tell you are still hurting from where life has you right now. Me being in your life may feel right, right now, but ultimately, I would hurt your growth more than I would help it.

A lot has gone on in my life over the last 25 days. God has really helped me to understand why the relationship with you was important to my life - because you are one of the best guys I have ever dated. But He has also shown me why it had to end. In His eyes, you are still married. I've been going through a process of lining up my life with what God has for me, and being in a relationship with a man who is still married is not a part of that plan. Being sexually active before marriage is also not something that is lining up with my walk.

As hard as it was for me, over the last 25 days, I have been praying for you. I have been praying that you start the process of grieving for the marriage that is lost as well as your children no longer living with you. I can't imagine how difficult one of those is, let alone both at the same time. I have also been praying that your relationship with Christ grows stronger.

You so clearly seperated me and church in your e-mail. Without church, there is no me. I volunteer as much as I do because that's where God has my heart. I have met some of the most amazing people while serving and I wouldn't give up any of that for a man/woman relationship. I need a man who is active in church to some degree. I need a man who has strong convictions about being the leader of his household. Though you are a leader, and that is totally what drew me to you, there are things that I can't fathom giving a child the option of - like going to church or not - simply to make them happy. I don't always do what makes Gideon happy, but I do what is right. That "right" to me is going to church and allowing him to see me serve my heart out. I'm not his friend, I won't always make him happy, but I love him unconditionally and I lead him to the best of my ability and leave the rest up to God.

I prayed about staying friends with you. I didn't know if that was even an option, but, honestly, I'm not strong enough to set those boundries. We have a past. You were my greatest weakness. Even when I wanted to tell you, "No, I can't see you tonight because I'm exhausted," I didn't. I couldn't tell you no, which is why this e-mail is so difficult for me to write.

I am who I am because of God. I am colorful and outgoing and loving and caring and nourturing because of God. I agree with your mentor. You need to focus on God right now. You need to seek His guidance and be obedient to that. Obedience is something I struggle with because, as you well know, I love physical touch and I really liked the way you touched me, but I can't be the band aide that makes you feel better now for my own happiness. All that will do is make the future that much more difficult on both of us.

This doesn't mean that you can't come back to me in a year and ask me out to lunch, if you have any inclination to do so. What I would like to see for you is the divorce being finalized and you in or having gone through a divorce recovery program and your relationship with God be closer and stronger because of the storm you whethered. I know that this year is my year to grow and align myself with God. It hasn't been easy, and I've even given God an earfull of just how much I think it sucks, but it's for the better. His plan always seems to be better.

I hope you understand where my heart is and why I have had to make this decision. I will continue to pray for you because I know the road ahead is not going to be easy. I hope this isn't good-bye forever, but if it is, I pray that what God has for you in your future is amazing beyond your ability to imagine.

In Him

~Brandy