Afterthought

The last couple of days have been...interesting. God has brought to my attention that I have always considered myself an afterthought. As such, I have always allowed other people to treat me as an afterthought.

Someone who is disposable.
Someone who doesn't matter.
Someone whose feelings are, essentially, vapor.

Invisible.

Family.
Friends.
Boyfriends...

This has really made me think about where God has me right now. In the past, I always seemed to have a guy or two that I was talking to that had an interest in me. I would tire of them quickly because they seemed like photocopies of each other and they were all the kinds of guys that I had dated before I asked Jesus into my heart. Last year it hit me: Maybe I am the problem.

Turns out I was. I asked God to change me, and He did. Now? Not one even semi-interested party to be found.

I admit this, not with even an ounce of pride, but because as I was laying here, after a long day filled with God showing Himself through me, I was looking through facebook and seeing all the happy couples and a pang of not feeling good enough for a man to even like me, let alone love me was there. Even jealousy.

And God showed up.

‎"If I find in myself desires which nothing in this world can satisfy, the only logical explanation is that I was made for another world." ~ C.S. Lewis

Maybe, just maybe, I am the problem again. Maybe I have treated God like an afterthought. I asked God to help me to fall in love with Him, and those feelings of not being good enough and jealousy have started to ease.

I know there is going to be more to this. It's been a long day and I kind of want to cry (and I will cry - I've gotten really good at that lately), but this is a start in a really good direction. "For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime; weeping may stay for the night, but rejoicing comes in the morning." Psalm 30:5

While I may not be where *I* would prefer to be, I am quite thankful that God loves me enough to bring me here so that He can open my heart and help me see where I need to grow...and what I need pruned.

God bless you my friends, with love beyond compare, grace beyond reason, and peace that invades your heart and soul.

1 Kings 19

"The Lord said, "Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the Lord, for the Lord is about to pass by." Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake came a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper. When Elijah heard it, he pulled his cloak over his face and went out and stood at the mouth of the cave. Then a voice said to him, "What are you doing here, Elijah?" 1 Kings 19:11-13

WOW!!! WOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOW!!!

So many people these days feel like the big, bad, ugly things that happen are signs from God and act accordingly. They rarely stop and consider that maybe all those big sounds and shows don't have God in them anywhere. Even more rarely do they stop and listen to that gentle voice that is asking them a question, even as simple a question as, "What are you doing here?"

I have seen God act in MIGHTY ways in my life. Me being a single mom for over 5 years and, many times, having to FULLY rely on God for provision in our lives is definitely at the top of that list. There were days where I didn't know how I was going to feed Gideon, let alone how I was going to find food for myself, but God knew. He knew every time where that provision was coming from.

But I will also never forget those moments where I was so close to Him that I could hear his gentle voice whispering to me, comforting me, loving on me...all when I needed it the most, when my world was crumbling down and I didn't feel like I had the strength to continue.

"Elijah was afraid and ran for his life. When he came to Beersheba in Judah, he left his servant there, while he himself went a day's journey into the desert. He came to a broom tree, sat down under it and prayed that he might die. "I have had enough, Lord," he said. "Take my life; I am no better than my ancestors." Then he lay down under the tree and fell asleep." 1 Kings 19:3-5

Have I been there? Absolutely. I think we all have. The next part is just as awesome:

"All at once and angel touched him and said, "Get up and eat." He looked around, and there by his head was a cake of bread baked over hot coals, and a jar of water. He ate and drank and then lay down again." 1 Kings 19:5b-6

Though Elijah wanted so badly to die, God was merciful on him and sent an angel to nourish him.

"The angel of the Lord came back a second time and touched him and said, "Get up and eat, for the journey is too much for you." So he got up and ate and drank. Strengthened by that food, he traveled forty days and forty nights until he reached Horeb, the mountain of God. There he went into a cave and spent the night." 1 Kings 19:7-9

God KNOWS that the journey set before you going to be too hard for you to handle! That is why He sends up angels and provision, whether those angels are straight from Heaven, or from someone here on earth that is obedient to God's wishes and provides accordingly. I have seen both in my life, even before I accepted God into my heart.

Take heart in this bit of scripture! God KNOWS you are dealing with a lot, but He hasn't forgotten you!! Look for the angels that He is sending! But most importantly, listen for His voice. Sometimes it is big, but sometimes it is small and quiet and the only thing you need to do to hear Him is....be still.

God bless you my friends!