Sunday, February 20, 2011

Mad at God?

Have you ever been frustrated or mad at God? I have. I spent age ten until twenty-five mad at God because He took my grandfather away. Well, that’s what my 10 year old brain processed it as, anyway. My grandfather was the first man I had a close relationship with. It was not that my dad wasn’t in the picture, because he was to a small extent, however he was going to college to become a registered nurse so he could support his family – that being his wife (my mom), my older sister and I.

While my dad was an hour away going to college full-time, my mom worked full time, very long hours, and my grandfather – her dad – would watch us after school. My grandfather and I were very close. He was a loving man, a fair man, and would spend hours cuddling with me when I needed that. On April 1st, 1990, my grandfather went to be with the Lord. He died in his sleep, very peacefully, of a heart attack.
I was a very mad little girl. I blamed God for taking him away from me. Prior to his death, I had dreams of both my dad and my grandfather giving me away at my wedding. When he died, that dream was shattered. He would never meet my children. He would not see me as an adult. And it was all God’s fault.

I now realize how stupid that anger and angst was.

Lately I have been watching “Bruce Almighty”. It is quite a funny movie, even if there is a descent amount of blasphemy involved in the first half of the movie. One of the parts that I keep thinking back to is the part where Bruce is on his way into a giant building that is named “OMNI PRESENTS”. As he is on his way in, he is looking at his surroundings as he walks, not paying attention to where his feet are landing, and he manages to stick a third of his left leg into a hole filled with water. When he pulls it out, he says, “GOD! LOOK! WHAT IS THAT??? What is that????? Gah! Geez! Thank you! Thank you again!” as he is gesturing as though God himself put that puddle there for him to step in.

That makes me wonder how often I do that. How often am I not paying attention and I manage to stick my foot into a pit of mud or water or quicksand, only to look up and blame God for my inability to pay attention. Had Bruce lined up with God’s direction for his life, Bruce would not be in that warehouse district to meet with God to begin with.

That movie also makes me wonder what I would do if I were endowed with God’s powers. From even the smallest amount that I can fathom that – which, I know my human brain is incapable of imagining that kind of power – I know I would not fare any better than Bruce did in that movie. If you have not yet seen that movie, I definitely recommend that you do so. It is pretty funny and it is definitely thought provoking.

I do want to apologize for not posting sooner. This week was the C3 conference at my church and I was being the hands and feet to the best of my human ability, which left me with precious little time for personal anything…like sleep. :)

God bless you in your walk today!

Friday, February 11, 2011


Today I will delight myself in the Lord!

Last night, as I was getting ready for bed, I felt urged to be thankful to God for what He has put in my life. So I thanked Him for my son, for Him coming into my heart, for my job, for my house, for my vehicle, for making me whole and filling in those places that the world likes to tell me I'm not good enough when, truly, I am.

In my quiet time this morning, I came across Isaiah 1:19-20: "If you are willing and obedient, you will eat the good things of the land; but if you resist and rebel, you will be devoured by the sword."

I don't want to be devoured by the sword. Frankly, that sounds painful. I know it isn't necessarily taken in the literal sense. The "sword" could be sexual immorality, overeating, lying, stealing, hatred, anger, jealousy, bitterness, coveting (James 4:1-3 "What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don't they come from your desires that battle within you? You desire but do not have, so you kill. You covet but you cannot get what you want, so you quarrel and fight. You do not have because you do not ask God. When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures.") ....the list could go on. I don't want to be the one that my friends say, "She had so much promise..." or "It's just too bad..."

Today, I stand in victory. Today, I have dominion over the things of the earth instead of the earth having dominion over me. God has restored me and set my feet upon the path HE would have me go.

Have a wonderfully blessed day friends!

Friday, February 4, 2011


Though it has been icing and snowing here for the last 4 days, I decided to drive my son up to my sister. Actually, she and her family met me at the roller rink a few towns over because they were itching to get out of the house, so it was a convenient place for us to meet. I need a couple of days to not be mom.

This week has been tough on many levels. It has been tough on me personally because of the break-up. I've been praying through it and, honestly, God has shown me WHY it was so necessary - both the actual relationship as well as the break-up. But he has also shown me a great deal about myself through this. Let me just admit right now that it is not all pretty. It's down right uncomfortable, if you want to know the honest truth.

I'm changing. Again. I feel like every time I get to a point where I've gone through the fire and things are finally starting to calm down, another fire is popping up around me. There are days I crawl to God on my face and tell Him it is too much. It is in those times that I am doing exactly what He wants me to do: Be quiet, listen and, most of all, TRUST HIM. is an amazing website. I do have to retract something I said in an earlier post. They actually do have a course on quitting smoking. Right now I'm working on The Lord's Table to help me deal with a lifetime of overeating. So far I am 21 days into it and I have changed a lot since I started.

A few weeks ago, God revealed to me why I started overeating in the first place. I was in the 2nd grade and I never felt like my parents had time for me. That was right around the time they started telling me, "You should be more like your sister." It seemed that they had endless amounts of time for my sister and their careers and their friends, but when I truly NEEDED to be listened to or just needed their time, they were too busy. I felt a void in my life that nothing seemed to fill.

One night after my parents sent me to bed, I waited 10 minutes so that they could get into whatever television program they were watching and snuck into the kitchen. I crawled onto the counter and got down a box of cookies. I started eating without thought. I couldn't tell you how many I ate, however I can tell you it was probably most of the box. My dad did walk in and catch me, and I scurried off the counter and ran to my room.

He came in and talked to me about it, but didn't really listen to what I needed to say. Every time after that, whenever I felt like I was ignored or pushed aside as much as I could take, I ate. I would save my lunch money that my parents gave me and spend it on junk food at the local gas station. There was a point where I would even steal candy while buying other candy. It was sad.

I grew up eating in secret. My mom taught me that one. She would stop by a gas station or a fast food restaurant on the way to dinner with the family and get something and then she would eat a full meal with the family. Overeating, eating when emotional, and secret eating became my life. Until now.

I'm transitioning into a person that I never knew could exist inside of me. A woman of moderation, if you will. A woman who is living to please God, not just with her actions, but with her body. I am learning to feed on Jesus rather than food to get that soulish fullness that I have been looking for. Dealing with a lot of emotional turmoil surrounding the break up has definitely tested me a great deal. I won't lie and say that I have over come every urge to eat, because I haven't, but I have overcome the desire to eat so much that I feel or make myself sick.

I'm not posting this to lay blame on my parents for my eating disorder. I'm about to be 31 and I think it is high time I grew up and took responsibility for my own actions. I have forgiven my parents for their part in this. They did what they knew to do. I didn't grow up in a Christian household, so this living by faith thing is relatively new if you consider that.

I know that I'm going to fail as a parent in one aspect or another to my son. I am certainly not setting out to do so, but it is inevitable. I can only pray that God will give him the heart to forgive me because I did the best that I could when it is all said and done.

May God richly bless you and yours. Be safe out there. <3