Forgiveness

That's always a big topic. Forgiveness is something most everyone I know has an issue with giving as well as receiving, which always strikes me as odd because God forgives us instantly when we ask with the right heart. It's difficult for us to accept God's forgiveness because we feel guilty. It's difficult for us to GIVE forgiveness to those that hurt or wrong us because we may not FEEL like forgiving them.

All in all, this forgiveness business is a mess.

I recently found that I was harboring unforgiveness for someone I see at least 5 days a week (at work). For the last couple of weeks, every time we got on a topic where we (clearly) don't see eye to eye or have the same values, I could feel my chest tightening. One day, my right arm started to tingle.

I'm no doctor, but I was raised by a Registered Nurse and I know that that tingeling is not a good sign. This past Tuesday, I went to my women's group at church where we discussed forgiveness. I have walked in the light of forgiveness, in the light of giving it and feeling the relief of it, so I was excited about the topic. The following day, however, when I felt my chest tightening while having a conversation with my friend, I realized that I was holding onto unforgiveness for her.

WOW!

So I simply told her that I just realized that I was holding onto unforgiveness for her, and no I didn't want to talk about it (how many times had we discussed it in the past and only ended up crying and leaving mad? Too many to count...), but I'm bringing it into the light so I can allow God to deal with it.

She was rendered a little speechless. I was as well.

So I started going over the notes from my women's group and came across a couple of things I wanted to post here.

~Forgiving someone is not saying their actions are right or ok, you are simply releasing yourself from the hold that person has on you and giving them over to God.
This reminds me of something I read in "The Shack". A very good book.
~Forgiveness is not just about saying the words, but putting action behind them
~Stop wishing something could have been different in your past.
~Lose the edge in your voice and attitude - the edge of pride. "Well, I forgave that person so I'm better than they are."

No. You. Aren't.

~Choose to not engage in negative conversation. Don't put people down for what they want to discuss, just don't engage or allow yourself to become engaged in a pitty party or angry rant fest.
~Unforgiveness can be one big boulder, but it can also be the little things.
~Your child is not acting like you expect him/her to.
~That dude in traffic that cut you off or tailgated you.
~Your boss didn't say good morning to you.
~Your coworkers don't appreciate anything you do...

Through out all of that, I was wondering something. "HOW do I forgive?" Well, I have notes on that too!

GRACE!

G: Give it to God. Your problems may be bigger than you, but they certainly aren't too big for God!

R: Remember you have been forgiven.

A: Accept God's teaching. What is God trying to teach you through all the negativity? It can be difficult to see through all of that to see the goodness of God, but it's there.

C: Capture your thoughts. Whenever a negative thought comes to mind, even the ones that won't let you go no matter how much you try to push it away, capture it! And don't just capture it, but find a scripture focus that you can replace it with that is the complete opposite of what that negative/bad thought is. (I may start posting some of the ones I use to get me through the negative thoughts that bombard me.)

E: Experience Freedom. When you have overcome the negative thoughts and the negative people, and have truly forgiven those in your life that have hurt you, you will feel a weight drop off of your shoulders that you may well feel like you could float.

I can tell you, from recent personal experience, that just knowing that I was holding onto unforgiveness for my friend and giving the situation over to God helped me feel like some huge weight had dropped clean off me. The thing about it is that my unforgiveness isn't just a matter of one thing, it's three YEARS of built up crud that I need to work on. Every day I ask God to reveal something about it to me, and, you know what? He never fails to do just that. I have a better understanding today on why exactly I was holding onto a grudge than I did the day I discovered I had it.

One last note before I let this Friday roll.

Forgiveness is not based on merit, it is based on GRACE.

Have a wonderfully blessed weekend my friends! In Him <3

Transitions

Though it has been icing and snowing here for the last 4 days, I decided to drive my son up to my sister. Actually, she and her family met me at the roller rink a few towns over because they were itching to get out of the house, so it was a convenient place for us to meet. I need a couple of days to not be mom.

This week has been tough on many levels. It has been tough on me personally because of the break-up. I've been praying through it and, honestly, God has shown me WHY it was so necessary - both the actual relationship as well as the break-up. But he has also shown me a great deal about myself through this. Let me just admit right now that it is not all pretty. It's down right uncomfortable, if you want to know the honest truth.

I'm changing. Again. I feel like every time I get to a point where I've gone through the fire and things are finally starting to calm down, another fire is popping up around me. There are days I crawl to God on my face and tell Him it is too much. It is in those times that I am doing exactly what He wants me to do: Be quiet, listen and, most of all, TRUST HIM.

SettingCaptivesFree.com is an amazing website. I do have to retract something I said in an earlier post. They actually do have a course on quitting smoking. Right now I'm working on The Lord's Table to help me deal with a lifetime of overeating. So far I am 21 days into it and I have changed a lot since I started.

A few weeks ago, God revealed to me why I started overeating in the first place. I was in the 2nd grade and I never felt like my parents had time for me. That was right around the time they started telling me, "You should be more like your sister." It seemed that they had endless amounts of time for my sister and their careers and their friends, but when I truly NEEDED to be listened to or just needed their time, they were too busy. I felt a void in my life that nothing seemed to fill.

One night after my parents sent me to bed, I waited 10 minutes so that they could get into whatever television program they were watching and snuck into the kitchen. I crawled onto the counter and got down a box of cookies. I started eating without thought. I couldn't tell you how many I ate, however I can tell you it was probably most of the box. My dad did walk in and catch me, and I scurried off the counter and ran to my room.

He came in and talked to me about it, but didn't really listen to what I needed to say. Every time after that, whenever I felt like I was ignored or pushed aside as much as I could take, I ate. I would save my lunch money that my parents gave me and spend it on junk food at the local gas station. There was a point where I would even steal candy while buying other candy. It was sad.

I grew up eating in secret. My mom taught me that one. She would stop by a gas station or a fast food restaurant on the way to dinner with the family and get something and then she would eat a full meal with the family. Overeating, eating when emotional, and secret eating became my life. Until now.

I'm transitioning into a person that I never knew could exist inside of me. A woman of moderation, if you will. A woman who is living to please God, not just with her actions, but with her body. I am learning to feed on Jesus rather than food to get that soulish fullness that I have been looking for. Dealing with a lot of emotional turmoil surrounding the break up has definitely tested me a great deal. I won't lie and say that I have over come every urge to eat, because I haven't, but I have overcome the desire to eat so much that I feel or make myself sick.

I'm not posting this to lay blame on my parents for my eating disorder. I'm about to be 31 and I think it is high time I grew up and took responsibility for my own actions. I have forgiven my parents for their part in this. They did what they knew to do. I didn't grow up in a Christian household, so this living by faith thing is relatively new if you consider that.

I know that I'm going to fail as a parent in one aspect or another to my son. I am certainly not setting out to do so, but it is inevitable. I can only pray that God will give him the heart to forgive me because I did the best that I could when it is all said and done.

May God richly bless you and yours. Be safe out there. <3