I get down, He lifts me up...

"This valley is so deep, I can barley see the sun, I cry out for mercy Lord, and You lift me up again!" I so enjoy Audio Adrenaline. I actually like a whole lot of Christian bands, but this just happens to be the song I'm listening to right now (titled "Get Down" for those that are curious).

Gosh, where to start on what God has been showing me and teaching me lately. I'll start out by saying that I will not make a sweeping generalization, because the only person I know how anything feels like is me, so if this speaks to your heart, praise the Lord! If it doesn't, then maybe this will expand your thinking and bring someone else to mind!

So, when I am purposeful about getting in the Word, spending time in silence (mind and mouth silence - hard to do - trust me - I know) just listening for God to speak into me, praying, and being in community with other believers (not just the kind you pass in the hallway at church on your way to Mi Cocina or McDonalds), I grow....A LOT. This is why it is sometimes hard for me to post a blog because I don't know what to say or how to express what God has impressed on my heart.

Frankly, I also pray before posting so I can make sure that my words are salt and light and not death and destruction.

So tonight a thought occurred to me that may offend some, but, well, "In this world you will have trouble, but take heart, I have overcome the world." John 16:33. That's something my son learned and memorized from church. I LOVE that he is doing scripture memorization! It encourages me to learn with him! It also helps him hide God's Word in his heart for those times of trouble!

On with it then. "Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is--his good, pleasing and perfect will." Romans 12:2 - NIV(1984). A thought occurred to me as I was churning on this tonight. How EASY is it for non-believers to blend in with this world. And how pitifully hard it is for Jesus seeking people to move through this world. Impacting this world for God's glory (and trying to figure out how to not take credit for every good thing in our lives - something that ever Christian I know struggles with - even if it is once every ten years or so ;) )

God asks His people to not conform to the patterns of this world. What are the patterns? (Forgive me if I side-step some hot button current affairs in this list): Vulgarity, addiction, obesity, self-centeredness, judgmental attitudes, self-serving attitudes (maybe goes along with self-centered?)....and the list goes on. As a Christian, I am called to be selfless, loving, caring, and be salt and light to the world around me. One by one, God is so very graciously working my addictions out of me. I don't hardly drink (and I no longer find any fun in being drunk), I have not smoked in 5 months and a 1 day as of today (!!!!), I have overcome the cycle of loneliness, and God is working on a list of other things with me, but today I feel more hopeful than I think I ever have in those other things.

Why? Because last night I came to realize that I don't have to be ashamed for my shortfalls. I'm not ashamed because I am finally opening my eyes nice and wide to the fact that I HAVE faults and that God loves me enough to work through them with me...and that He is PATIENT. I also realize that shame isn't from God. It's not. Shame is from the enemy that wants to keep rubbing my face in the same excrement to remind me, "Remember what you did?" "Remember those horrible things you said?" "God can't love someone like you that has all these faults, that has done all these things." "Remember what that person did to you? How can you forgive them??"

No, shame and regret are not emotions from God. How do I know? Because God loves. Above all, He is love. I'm not saying that God isn't vengeful, because, OH BOY - I have read most of the Old Testament as well as most of the New Testament and I have a very healthy fear of God's vengeance (especially when it comes to willfull sinning), but I have seen too many things work out in my life to be anything but grateful for God's grace and love for me. I can't deny it. Had I gotten what I deserved, I certainly wouldn't be sitting where I am with the son that I have and the things that I have and the amazing friends that I have. Because I don't deserve ANY of it. Having this realization, "things" have started having less and less hold on me. I'd rather just have the bare necessities, knowing that others were able to have because of my giving it up.

I guess I've started worshiping the Creator over the created. :) God gives us stuff because He knows that stuff makes us happy. This fallen world just perverts it into making idols out of "stuff" and distracting us from God's good, pleasing and perfect will.

"A big big house, with lots and lots of room. A big big table, with lots and lots of food. A big big yard, where we can play football. A big big house...It's my Father's house." I love that I am ending this post on this song. Another Audio Adrenalin song at that! ("Big House"). I love that I serve a God that loves. A God that extends Grace. A God that is patient. A God that wants only His good and perfect name to be glorified, and not a fallible human to be glorified.

God bless each of you my friends!

Masterpiece

So God has been teaching me a lot lately. One thing that is new today is to never underestimate how much God can work in your life. As human beings, we tend to want to only handle one thing at a time. Work on our weight. Great, got that under control, now over to working on our family. Sweet! They are happy, now over to our jobs. Okay, got that under control and I got a promotion because I rock...oh crap, now my weight is creeping back up! Back to the weight thing...

Sigh.

Do you ever get tired of that cycle? I know I do, and have. Last year I had a lot of success with losing weight, but that was all I focused on. When things at work went haywire, I focused on that. Then the kid needed some attention, so I focused on him. Now I'm back to the weight thing. :\

I know God can do better than this. Problem is, I wasn't bringing Him into it completely, so I pretty much gave up on the diet/exercise thing, chilled with the kid, made sure things at work were running smoothly.

Well, now God wants more. He wants me to look at my house and see how much excess I have and how much I am NOT taking care of it. He reminded me that if I don't take care of what He has blessed me with, He has no intention of giving me more. I can't say that I blame him. If you gave your kid $100 and they went out and bought $95.00 worth of candy, you probably wouldn't be fumbling to get your wallet out to give them more money any time soon. My health is the same way. I have excess weight and I am not taking care of my body accordingly. No bueno.

As I was fasting on Monday, God made it clear that He wants me to get rid of my excess. Problem is I collect things. Not up to hoarding standards yet, but it is hard for me to let go of stuff. I know it is because the first six years of my life was spent in a trailer on my grandparent's land wearing third generation clothes from Goodwill, but, really, it's been a couple of decades since then, so it's time for me to get over it and trust.

So I have been systematically doing that over the last couple of days. So far I have gotten rid of 8 bags of stuff - ranging from kitchen stuff to clothes to blankets to sheets.... That's just two rooms of the house. :) There is going to be more to go, and some decisions are going to be hard, but that's okay.

On Tuesday night, my son was sick (has been sick since last Wednesday), so we skipped Bible study and chilled at home. I actually ran across the Skit Guy's "God's Chisel" skit that was remastered! I loved the original, so I was curious about the remastered version. (you can find the video on youtube here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3QCkBL2DfVg)

I don't know if I can even do this video justice in how amazingly powerful it is. After watching it and then going to look at myself in the bathroom mirror and HONESTLY saying, "Brandy is God's original masterpiece," I lost it. Like, legs gave out, bawling, face on the ground, praying...lost it.

It's hard to say that when you treat yourself like trash. When you think little of yourself, others will think little of you as well and treat you poorly. Why do I want to do that to myself?? No wonder I feel so under-valued! I couldn't even value myself! DumbDumbDumb....

Ever since then, I have looked at myself in the mirror before I leave the house and say, "Brandy is God's original masterpiece." You know what? That has completely changed how I treat myself. It has changed what I put in my body. It has changed how I carry myself...but most of all, it has changed how I view God. It has also changed how I take care of my stuff.

If you Google "how to professionally restore paintings", you will not get something that says, "this is how you professionally restore a painting!" I tried and I didn't (maybe Google likes you more?). But one thing that kept being repeated: restore, preserve, protect. That actually sounds like what God does!

(All definitions are couteousy of Miriam Webster Dictionary)

Restore: (4) to bring back to an earlier and better condition
>>>>>then the LORD your God will restore your fortunes [Or will bring you back from captivity] and have compassion on you and gather you again from all the nations where he scattered you. Deuteronomy 30:3

Preserve: (1) to keep in its original state or in good condition
>>>>>>>Neither do people pour new wine into old wineskins. If they do, the skins will burst; the wine will run out and the wineskins will be ruined. No, they pour new wine into new wineskins, and both are preserved.” Matthew 9:17

Protect: (1) to keep from being harmed, lost, etc...
>>>>>>>But the Lord is faithful, and he will strengthen you and protect you from the evil one. 2 Thessalonians 3:3

So it looks like I have a little bit of journaling to do on this subject. A lot of hurts that I have to let go of, a lot of God's healing and grace to accept.

Friends, just remember that you truly are one of God's original and amazing masterpieces! Be blessed!

Has it really been 2 months!?!?

Yes, it really has. I have been ignoring this site because I have made myself too busy to post. :/ Not exactly following God's request for me to post a couple/few times a week, but I'm back!

Over the last three days (Thursday, Friday, Saturday), I attended the Flavour Conference (women's conference) at my church. On Thursday night, I dropped my son off with my brother-in-law after they offered to take him so that I could enjoy the conference, focus on God, and not have to worry about fussing over him or feeling bad because he was spending far more time in a daycare environment instead of being able to get out and play and run and be a kid.

Well, last week, I came down with bronchitis. Yucky stuff. I'm still feeling the effects of it (lovin' the cough! Ok, not really). Well, on Thursday night, I was feeling VERY bad. I had been coughing for two days straight (couldn't seem to take the right thing to make it go away), my head wanted nothing more than to explode (thus putting me out of my misery...I was open to that idea. I know where I'm going when I die), I was exhausted, and I had been in this cycle of pain that was starting to affect every part of me (seeing that I had to walk up stairs in order to get to my apartment made me cry because my knees were hurting so bad).

So before the conference started, I went to the pharmacy and asked them what I could take to break this up. The pharmacist, a lovely woman, suggested Mucinex D and Advil, so I bought it, took both of them, ate (though I wasn't hungry), and ended up taking myself to the conference.

An hour after I took the medication, I was finally starting to feel the pain that was attacking my body leave!! The speaker that evening was Charlotte Gambill. At first, I didn't think I would like her because she talked so fast and, being from England, had an accent that, while talking fast, made it excessively difficult for me to understand much of anything that came out of her mouth.

But I stayed.

The subject that she taught on (the subject of the conference) was "She went out on a limb and learned she could fly". WWWWOOOOOWWWW!!!! I took notes. I honestly don't remember anything super specific, but after three days of these amazing women of God pouring into me, and not referring back to my notes this very moment, you can only imagine that good note taking skills are necessary so you can "feed" yourself in smaller doses for a long time to come.

As I left, I realized that I wasn't hurting anymore. No headache, my knees didn't ache, my body didn't ache, nothing! Where once exhaustion existed, an ever deeper exhaustion entered. I felt like over-cooked spaghetti. Driving home, I was quite careful so as to avoid any fatigue-related car accidents. I also felt something else: Spiritual Renewal! I hadn't realized that the last week of being ill had not only taken a toll on me physically, but spiritually as well. I felt my fire for God starting to build again!!

So much has happened over the last two months. I have purposefully ignored this blog, but it has never been very far from my mind. I can almost guarantee you that I thought about it once a day. It makes me sad and disappointed in myself for not just getting on and start pecking away at the keys to see what God wanted me to write, but that's what I love so much about God! He will keep after you until you are obedient or He will find someone else to bless through their obedience!

Let me just say, I'd rather be the one He blesses. If He something for me, I'm going to do it, regardless of how I feel. So my journey begins again.

In Him <3

Forgiveness

That's always a big topic. Forgiveness is something most everyone I know has an issue with giving as well as receiving, which always strikes me as odd because God forgives us instantly when we ask with the right heart. It's difficult for us to accept God's forgiveness because we feel guilty. It's difficult for us to GIVE forgiveness to those that hurt or wrong us because we may not FEEL like forgiving them.

All in all, this forgiveness business is a mess.

I recently found that I was harboring unforgiveness for someone I see at least 5 days a week (at work). For the last couple of weeks, every time we got on a topic where we (clearly) don't see eye to eye or have the same values, I could feel my chest tightening. One day, my right arm started to tingle.

I'm no doctor, but I was raised by a Registered Nurse and I know that that tingeling is not a good sign. This past Tuesday, I went to my women's group at church where we discussed forgiveness. I have walked in the light of forgiveness, in the light of giving it and feeling the relief of it, so I was excited about the topic. The following day, however, when I felt my chest tightening while having a conversation with my friend, I realized that I was holding onto unforgiveness for her.

WOW!

So I simply told her that I just realized that I was holding onto unforgiveness for her, and no I didn't want to talk about it (how many times had we discussed it in the past and only ended up crying and leaving mad? Too many to count...), but I'm bringing it into the light so I can allow God to deal with it.

She was rendered a little speechless. I was as well.

So I started going over the notes from my women's group and came across a couple of things I wanted to post here.

~Forgiving someone is not saying their actions are right or ok, you are simply releasing yourself from the hold that person has on you and giving them over to God.
This reminds me of something I read in "The Shack". A very good book.
~Forgiveness is not just about saying the words, but putting action behind them
~Stop wishing something could have been different in your past.
~Lose the edge in your voice and attitude - the edge of pride. "Well, I forgave that person so I'm better than they are."

No. You. Aren't.

~Choose to not engage in negative conversation. Don't put people down for what they want to discuss, just don't engage or allow yourself to become engaged in a pitty party or angry rant fest.
~Unforgiveness can be one big boulder, but it can also be the little things.
~Your child is not acting like you expect him/her to.
~That dude in traffic that cut you off or tailgated you.
~Your boss didn't say good morning to you.
~Your coworkers don't appreciate anything you do...

Through out all of that, I was wondering something. "HOW do I forgive?" Well, I have notes on that too!

GRACE!

G: Give it to God. Your problems may be bigger than you, but they certainly aren't too big for God!

R: Remember you have been forgiven.

A: Accept God's teaching. What is God trying to teach you through all the negativity? It can be difficult to see through all of that to see the goodness of God, but it's there.

C: Capture your thoughts. Whenever a negative thought comes to mind, even the ones that won't let you go no matter how much you try to push it away, capture it! And don't just capture it, but find a scripture focus that you can replace it with that is the complete opposite of what that negative/bad thought is. (I may start posting some of the ones I use to get me through the negative thoughts that bombard me.)

E: Experience Freedom. When you have overcome the negative thoughts and the negative people, and have truly forgiven those in your life that have hurt you, you will feel a weight drop off of your shoulders that you may well feel like you could float.

I can tell you, from recent personal experience, that just knowing that I was holding onto unforgiveness for my friend and giving the situation over to God helped me feel like some huge weight had dropped clean off me. The thing about it is that my unforgiveness isn't just a matter of one thing, it's three YEARS of built up crud that I need to work on. Every day I ask God to reveal something about it to me, and, you know what? He never fails to do just that. I have a better understanding today on why exactly I was holding onto a grudge than I did the day I discovered I had it.

One last note before I let this Friday roll.

Forgiveness is not based on merit, it is based on GRACE.

Have a wonderfully blessed weekend my friends! In Him <3