Comparisons

As I sit here and contemplate something God just opened my eyes to recently, I wonder if I have done a post about this in the past. I'll have to go back and look later. I don't want that post (if one does, in fact, exist) to alter this one. I have recently discovered that I went from comparing myself physically (which, to some extent, I still do) to other people, to comparing myself spiritually to those in my small group. Why do I do that? I think it's just human nature, and it is also because I look up to those in my group. I adore each of them and they make me want to be a better person, to grow my faith, but then something this morning kind of altered that. I was talking to one of my friends (whom also happens to be my son's mentor) while we were waiting for my son's Kindergarten Award ceremony to being, and he was sharing with me what was going on in his world and I was thinking, "Oh my goodness, should I be doing the same thing?!?" And that's when the thought occurred to me: Why am I comparing myself and my spiritual growth and spiritual walk to flawed human beings? I love each of them like I have loved few others in my life, but they are, for all intended purposes, wonderfully flawed and beautifully made that way. I then started asking myself: Well, if you shouldn't put compare yourself to them, who SHOULD you compare yourself to? Well, the honest answer is quite easy: Jesus. I say this with a lot of weight behind it. Some people may read this and think that I hope to achieve perfection. I don't. I'm flesh and blood and born in sin and will die a sinner, but a reformed sinner, someone who is, hopefully, striving to get the sin out of my life every day. Some days I will fail. Other days I will fail miserably. And I will have some victories mixed in there as well, but I strive to not let my sin go unchecked because I have seen what that does and, well, let me just say that you will never know the hurt that your sin can cause in others if left unchecked and free to grow. So, today, I am making a concerted effort to not compare myself to anyone other than what Jesus did while He was here. And every day I pray that my life will be a bright shining beacon for the lost and the seeking, reflecting God's grace, because I can honestly say that where I am in life now is ONLY because of God's grace, and not because of anyone else or anything that I have done. All for Him - Brandy

Storm after Storm after Storm.....

I am exhausted. Weary to the bone. I have found my end and reached it. Or hyper-extended it. One of the two.

Last night a really bad set of storms rolled through our area. That included tornadoes. One touched down about 10 miles away while my particular area got pelted with golf ball size to baseball size hail stones. My car got it. Almost completely shattered windshield. Insurance won't cover it (liability only).

Frankly, I went into work today feeling like everyone was picking on me. I have been feeling lonely these last few days and that hasn't helped much. Yesterday a co-worker's boyfriend asked me to take part in a grand romantic gesture for her. Not exactly what I wanted to do, but I did it anyway because I knew how much it would mean to her. Her response was positive but then, out of jest, she called me a name that she intended to be endearing that I find to be revolting. *twist knife NOW*

My apartment management thinks I am annoying beyond necessity and treats me like I don't matter. Thanks guys. My windshield needs to be replaced, but I have no money to replace it.

Sigh.

I had told the high school ministry last week that I would be there this week (on Wednesday) to help them do data entry stuff for summer camp that is fast approaching. Last night I text them and said I wouldn't be able to make it because of my windshield (at the time I wasn't sure what the extent of the damage was).

This morning another wave of loneliness washed over me, the broken window and realization that I would have to find a way to get it fixed washed over me, and more romantic stories from the co-worker washed over me. Let's just say that I ended up sitting in my office, crying.

I had sent my apartment management an e-mail to let them know that the skylight had sustained damage. Several hours later I receive an e-mail back letting me know that my front door is standing wide open and my cat is out. They had no intention of closing and locking the door for me.

I left work early, drained of absolutely everything. No will to fight, no will to laugh, no will to do anything but lay down and let God take me home. It's been a long time since I've gotten to that point. I got home, my sister on the phone with me to make sure it was just me not locking the door properly and not a breaking and entering issue, and all was in order. My cat, Miu, was sitting inside looking like the world was just fine by her.

I hung up with my sister and just dropped onto my face, bawling like an infant, and telling God that I am done.

I ended up going to church tonight and honoring my word. I promised I'd be there, so I went. It helped me to feel better. Get out of myself and provide assistance where I was able. I'm still quite drained tonight, and crying isn't out of the question, but I know God has me. I know God is going to work all of this out according to His will. Like I tell my son, "Our God is SOOO much bigger than this storm. It may seem big and ugly and bad right NOW, but what the devil means for destruction, God means for instruction, growth, and good."

I'm simply going to take one step at a time. Where ever His light hits that path, that's where my foot will go.

God's grace is sufficient for me. Good night friends, and God bless. <3

Forgiveness

That's always a big topic. Forgiveness is something most everyone I know has an issue with giving as well as receiving, which always strikes me as odd because God forgives us instantly when we ask with the right heart. It's difficult for us to accept God's forgiveness because we feel guilty. It's difficult for us to GIVE forgiveness to those that hurt or wrong us because we may not FEEL like forgiving them.

All in all, this forgiveness business is a mess.

I recently found that I was harboring unforgiveness for someone I see at least 5 days a week (at work). For the last couple of weeks, every time we got on a topic where we (clearly) don't see eye to eye or have the same values, I could feel my chest tightening. One day, my right arm started to tingle.

I'm no doctor, but I was raised by a Registered Nurse and I know that that tingeling is not a good sign. This past Tuesday, I went to my women's group at church where we discussed forgiveness. I have walked in the light of forgiveness, in the light of giving it and feeling the relief of it, so I was excited about the topic. The following day, however, when I felt my chest tightening while having a conversation with my friend, I realized that I was holding onto unforgiveness for her.

WOW!

So I simply told her that I just realized that I was holding onto unforgiveness for her, and no I didn't want to talk about it (how many times had we discussed it in the past and only ended up crying and leaving mad? Too many to count...), but I'm bringing it into the light so I can allow God to deal with it.

She was rendered a little speechless. I was as well.

So I started going over the notes from my women's group and came across a couple of things I wanted to post here.

~Forgiving someone is not saying their actions are right or ok, you are simply releasing yourself from the hold that person has on you and giving them over to God.
This reminds me of something I read in "The Shack". A very good book.
~Forgiveness is not just about saying the words, but putting action behind them
~Stop wishing something could have been different in your past.
~Lose the edge in your voice and attitude - the edge of pride. "Well, I forgave that person so I'm better than they are."

No. You. Aren't.

~Choose to not engage in negative conversation. Don't put people down for what they want to discuss, just don't engage or allow yourself to become engaged in a pitty party or angry rant fest.
~Unforgiveness can be one big boulder, but it can also be the little things.
~Your child is not acting like you expect him/her to.
~That dude in traffic that cut you off or tailgated you.
~Your boss didn't say good morning to you.
~Your coworkers don't appreciate anything you do...

Through out all of that, I was wondering something. "HOW do I forgive?" Well, I have notes on that too!

GRACE!

G: Give it to God. Your problems may be bigger than you, but they certainly aren't too big for God!

R: Remember you have been forgiven.

A: Accept God's teaching. What is God trying to teach you through all the negativity? It can be difficult to see through all of that to see the goodness of God, but it's there.

C: Capture your thoughts. Whenever a negative thought comes to mind, even the ones that won't let you go no matter how much you try to push it away, capture it! And don't just capture it, but find a scripture focus that you can replace it with that is the complete opposite of what that negative/bad thought is. (I may start posting some of the ones I use to get me through the negative thoughts that bombard me.)

E: Experience Freedom. When you have overcome the negative thoughts and the negative people, and have truly forgiven those in your life that have hurt you, you will feel a weight drop off of your shoulders that you may well feel like you could float.

I can tell you, from recent personal experience, that just knowing that I was holding onto unforgiveness for my friend and giving the situation over to God helped me feel like some huge weight had dropped clean off me. The thing about it is that my unforgiveness isn't just a matter of one thing, it's three YEARS of built up crud that I need to work on. Every day I ask God to reveal something about it to me, and, you know what? He never fails to do just that. I have a better understanding today on why exactly I was holding onto a grudge than I did the day I discovered I had it.

One last note before I let this Friday roll.

Forgiveness is not based on merit, it is based on GRACE.

Have a wonderfully blessed weekend my friends! In Him <3