I am exhausted. Weary to the bone. I have found my end and reached it. Or hyper-extended it. One of the two.
Last night a really bad set of storms rolled through our area. That included tornadoes. One touched down about 10 miles away while my particular area got pelted with golf ball size to baseball size hail stones. My car got it. Almost completely shattered windshield. Insurance won't cover it (liability only).
Frankly, I went into work today feeling like everyone was picking on me. I have been feeling lonely these last few days and that hasn't helped much. Yesterday a co-worker's boyfriend asked me to take part in a grand romantic gesture for her. Not exactly what I wanted to do, but I did it anyway because I knew how much it would mean to her. Her response was positive but then, out of jest, she called me a name that she intended to be endearing that I find to be revolting. *twist knife NOW*
My apartment management thinks I am annoying beyond necessity and treats me like I don't matter. Thanks guys. My windshield needs to be replaced, but I have no money to replace it.
I had told the high school ministry last week that I would be there this week (on Wednesday) to help them do data entry stuff for summer camp that is fast approaching. Last night I text them and said I wouldn't be able to make it because of my windshield (at the time I wasn't sure what the extent of the damage was).
This morning another wave of loneliness washed over me, the broken window and realization that I would have to find a way to get it fixed washed over me, and more romantic stories from the co-worker washed over me. Let's just say that I ended up sitting in my office, crying.
I had sent my apartment management an e-mail to let them know that the skylight had sustained damage. Several hours later I receive an e-mail back letting me know that my front door is standing wide open and my cat is out. They had no intention of closing and locking the door for me.
I left work early, drained of absolutely everything. No will to fight, no will to laugh, no will to do anything but lay down and let God take me home. It's been a long time since I've gotten to that point. I got home, my sister on the phone with me to make sure it was just me not locking the door properly and not a breaking and entering issue, and all was in order. My cat, Miu, was sitting inside looking like the world was just fine by her.
I hung up with my sister and just dropped onto my face, bawling like an infant, and telling God that I am done.
I ended up going to church tonight and honoring my word. I promised I'd be there, so I went. It helped me to feel better. Get out of myself and provide assistance where I was able. I'm still quite drained tonight, and crying isn't out of the question, but I know God has me. I know God is going to work all of this out according to His will. Like I tell my son, "Our God is SOOO much bigger than this storm. It may seem big and ugly and bad right NOW, but what the devil means for destruction, God means for instruction, growth, and good."
I'm simply going to take one step at a time. Where ever His light hits that path, that's where my foot will go.
God's grace is sufficient for me. Good night friends, and God bless. <3