So God has been teaching me a lot lately. One thing that is new today is to never underestimate how much God can work in your life. As human beings, we tend to want to only handle one thing at a time. Work on our weight. Great, got that under control, now over to working on our family. Sweet! They are happy, now over to our jobs. Okay, got that under control and I got a promotion because I rock...oh crap, now my weight is creeping back up! Back to the weight thing...
Sigh.
Do you ever get tired of that cycle? I know I do, and have. Last year I had a lot of success with losing weight, but that was all I focused on. When things at work went haywire, I focused on that. Then the kid needed some attention, so I focused on him. Now I'm back to the weight thing. :\
I know God can do better than this. Problem is, I wasn't bringing Him into it completely, so I pretty much gave up on the diet/exercise thing, chilled with the kid, made sure things at work were running smoothly.
Well, now God wants more. He wants me to look at my house and see how much excess I have and how much I am NOT taking care of it. He reminded me that if I don't take care of what He has blessed me with, He has no intention of giving me more. I can't say that I blame him. If you gave your kid $100 and they went out and bought $95.00 worth of candy, you probably wouldn't be fumbling to get your wallet out to give them more money any time soon. My health is the same way. I have excess weight and I am not taking care of my body accordingly. No bueno.
As I was fasting on Monday, God made it clear that He wants me to get rid of my excess. Problem is I collect things. Not up to hoarding standards yet, but it is hard for me to let go of stuff. I know it is because the first six years of my life was spent in a trailer on my grandparent's land wearing third generation clothes from Goodwill, but, really, it's been a couple of decades since then, so it's time for me to get over it and trust.
So I have been systematically doing that over the last couple of days. So far I have gotten rid of 8 bags of stuff - ranging from kitchen stuff to clothes to blankets to sheets.... That's just two rooms of the house. :) There is going to be more to go, and some decisions are going to be hard, but that's okay.
On Tuesday night, my son was sick (has been sick since last Wednesday), so we skipped Bible study and chilled at home. I actually ran across the Skit Guy's "God's Chisel" skit that was remastered! I loved the original, so I was curious about the remastered version. (you can find the video on youtube here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3QCkBL2DfVg)
I don't know if I can even do this video justice in how amazingly powerful it is. After watching it and then going to look at myself in the bathroom mirror and HONESTLY saying, "Brandy is God's original masterpiece," I lost it. Like, legs gave out, bawling, face on the ground, praying...lost it.
It's hard to say that when you treat yourself like trash. When you think little of yourself, others will think little of you as well and treat you poorly. Why do I want to do that to myself?? No wonder I feel so under-valued! I couldn't even value myself! DumbDumbDumb....
Ever since then, I have looked at myself in the mirror before I leave the house and say, "Brandy is God's original masterpiece." You know what? That has completely changed how I treat myself. It has changed what I put in my body. It has changed how I carry myself...but most of all, it has changed how I view God. It has also changed how I take care of my stuff.
If you Google "how to professionally restore paintings", you will not get something that says, "this is how you professionally restore a painting!" I tried and I didn't (maybe Google likes you more?). But one thing that kept being repeated: restore, preserve, protect. That actually sounds like what God does!
(All definitions are couteousy of Miriam Webster Dictionary)
Restore: (4) to bring back to an earlier and better condition
>>>>>then the LORD your God will restore your fortunes [Or will bring you back from captivity] and have compassion on you and gather you again from all the nations where he scattered you. Deuteronomy 30:3
Preserve: (1) to keep in its original state or in good condition
>>>>>>>Neither do people pour new wine into old wineskins. If they do, the skins will burst; the wine will run out and the wineskins will be ruined. No, they pour new wine into new wineskins, and both are preserved.” Matthew 9:17
Protect: (1) to keep from being harmed, lost, etc...
>>>>>>>But the Lord is faithful, and he will strengthen you and protect you from the evil one. 2 Thessalonians 3:3
So it looks like I have a little bit of journaling to do on this subject. A lot of hurts that I have to let go of, a lot of God's healing and grace to accept.
Friends, just remember that you truly are one of God's original and amazing masterpieces! Be blessed!
Thursday, March 29, 2012
Monday, March 5, 2012
Irrational Fears Much?
This is something that I have only recently decided, "I need to get this out in the open so God can cover it." Not that I haven't known this scripture, but here it is in reference:
"For nothing is hidden except to be made manifest; nor is anything secret except to come to light." Mark 4:22
So, when my son was born, I very much did not feel like his mom, though I carried him internally as God knit him together. There may have been many reasons for this, but, after reflecting on it, it was probably because I realized that I am the sole support of this child - emotional, physical, mental. All of it, ultimately (and in the eyes of the law), lands on me. His male genetic donor said from the very outset that he has no interest in having anything to do with either of us.
Cool. He stayed in California. My son and I moved to Texas when I was six and a half months pregnant, where he was born just two short months later.
Not only did I not feel like his mom, I was also quite scared of him. Not that he wasn't a good baby. He was actually an amazing baby!! Seriously, God orchestrated it to what I could handle. My son was also extremely beautiful to me. I'm guessing most people have this same feeling when it comes to their children, but I now TRULY understand "horribly beautiful". Looking at him freaked me out because he was just SO beautiful that it overwhelmed me. The love I had for that little form was just as scary and big.
Here comes the irrational fear (as though the above wasn't irrational enough!). I fear(ed?) that I would raise a son that would end up being a serial murder. Why? I honestly couldn't tell you why. Maybe it is my love of CSI and Law and Order and reading medical thrillers and documentaries on serial killers (I was a morbid teenager). But I honestly feared that.
I want my son to be balanced. I want him to be able to blend in with any crowd, but also be that beacon of light for God. Not the weird kid that walks around screaming "JEZABELL!!!" at girls who are kissing their boyfriends (or random men, as the case may be) and throwing Bibles at them.
I think in a way, all parents fear raising a child that doesn't succeed. People tell me, "My child is the SMARTEST!" And I am so thankful God blessed them with an incredibly intelligent child! This world needs deep thinkers, just like it needs people with a heart. My son isn't going to win a Nobel Peace prize by the time he's 10 (unless it is in hugging!). He has average intelligence, however his heart is just absolutely mind-blowing and inspiring. It helps that he's awfully cute, but I have to push him in his studies.
And sometimes I have to catch myself comparing him to other people's amazingly intelligent children. "Well, shouldn't he be able to do long division by now? He's six after all!"
That is why I have begun the process of collecting letters from those that are close to him, all telling him what is RIGHT with him. This world is just so messed up and so very "What can you do for me?" and "How much can you earn?" and "How can you make it better/faster/easier/lighter/etc..?" That has led to a lot of messed up people because no one truly knows what is right with them. They keep changing, hoping that who they are going to become is going to be okay or acceptable.
I dealt with that all my life, until a couple of weeks ago. God is just so good and so merciful! I have been wondering when who I am was going to be good enough to those around me. God showed me that who I am really is good enough and there is nothing I have to change to be better or gain acceptance. Not that this gives me license to walk around showing my butt and being arrogant or proud, "Well, this is me and if you don't like it, you can go *&^% yourself!" It gives me the ability to be humble about who I am, to show my true self without fear of rejection, to just be the humble, grace-given beggar who is trying to show other beggars where food is. (The definition of what a Christian is according to one of my very sweet friends and volleyball players during that season.)
So there it is, published for the world to see. It makes me giggle now that I re-read it, but I also can't deny those emotions, and I'm kind of tired of carrying them around.
And they are now planted at the foot of Jesus' cross...where they belong.
God bless you my friends!
"For nothing is hidden except to be made manifest; nor is anything secret except to come to light." Mark 4:22
So, when my son was born, I very much did not feel like his mom, though I carried him internally as God knit him together. There may have been many reasons for this, but, after reflecting on it, it was probably because I realized that I am the sole support of this child - emotional, physical, mental. All of it, ultimately (and in the eyes of the law), lands on me. His male genetic donor said from the very outset that he has no interest in having anything to do with either of us.
Cool. He stayed in California. My son and I moved to Texas when I was six and a half months pregnant, where he was born just two short months later.
Not only did I not feel like his mom, I was also quite scared of him. Not that he wasn't a good baby. He was actually an amazing baby!! Seriously, God orchestrated it to what I could handle. My son was also extremely beautiful to me. I'm guessing most people have this same feeling when it comes to their children, but I now TRULY understand "horribly beautiful". Looking at him freaked me out because he was just SO beautiful that it overwhelmed me. The love I had for that little form was just as scary and big.
Here comes the irrational fear (as though the above wasn't irrational enough!). I fear(ed?) that I would raise a son that would end up being a serial murder. Why? I honestly couldn't tell you why. Maybe it is my love of CSI and Law and Order and reading medical thrillers and documentaries on serial killers (I was a morbid teenager). But I honestly feared that.
I want my son to be balanced. I want him to be able to blend in with any crowd, but also be that beacon of light for God. Not the weird kid that walks around screaming "JEZABELL!!!" at girls who are kissing their boyfriends (or random men, as the case may be) and throwing Bibles at them.
I think in a way, all parents fear raising a child that doesn't succeed. People tell me, "My child is the SMARTEST!" And I am so thankful God blessed them with an incredibly intelligent child! This world needs deep thinkers, just like it needs people with a heart. My son isn't going to win a Nobel Peace prize by the time he's 10 (unless it is in hugging!). He has average intelligence, however his heart is just absolutely mind-blowing and inspiring. It helps that he's awfully cute, but I have to push him in his studies.
And sometimes I have to catch myself comparing him to other people's amazingly intelligent children. "Well, shouldn't he be able to do long division by now? He's six after all!"
That is why I have begun the process of collecting letters from those that are close to him, all telling him what is RIGHT with him. This world is just so messed up and so very "What can you do for me?" and "How much can you earn?" and "How can you make it better/faster/easier/lighter/etc..?" That has led to a lot of messed up people because no one truly knows what is right with them. They keep changing, hoping that who they are going to become is going to be okay or acceptable.
I dealt with that all my life, until a couple of weeks ago. God is just so good and so merciful! I have been wondering when who I am was going to be good enough to those around me. God showed me that who I am really is good enough and there is nothing I have to change to be better or gain acceptance. Not that this gives me license to walk around showing my butt and being arrogant or proud, "Well, this is me and if you don't like it, you can go *&^% yourself!" It gives me the ability to be humble about who I am, to show my true self without fear of rejection, to just be the humble, grace-given beggar who is trying to show other beggars where food is. (The definition of what a Christian is according to one of my very sweet friends and volleyball players during that season.)
So there it is, published for the world to see. It makes me giggle now that I re-read it, but I also can't deny those emotions, and I'm kind of tired of carrying them around.
And they are now planted at the foot of Jesus' cross...where they belong.
God bless you my friends!
Thursday, March 1, 2012
Comparison
In my last post, I realized that I said that I was talking about Lent, except I never really did. It was more of a 4 month re-cap. Oops.
So, here's a brief overview of what I have learned about Lent. The ashes on the forehead represent mourning for sin (because lighting one's self on fire is probably not the best way to go about this). They did this in the Bible, except they would wear sack cloth, cover themselves in ashes and pray for days and days.
Lent is a season of repentance. Not just repenting for the sins that we are already aware of, but also leaning into God and asking Him to reveal the sins in our heart that are buried for various reasons. Repenting is not just, "God, I'm sorry." It is almost accepted in society that saying, "I'm sorry" means that you are forgiven of your sins and free to go on about your way, and you can apologize as often as you need to for the same thing. Repenting is a turning away from that sin, whether it is not buying the food you know you will binge on or not visiting porn sites or not hanging out with people who will lead you down a dark path.
So, Lent = season of repentance. It is 40 days long, which represents Jesus' 40 days in the wilderness. It leads up to Easter (the resurrection).
People fast during Lent. I chose to fast from Facebook. While that may seem petty, think about how many hours you are surfing around Facebook. Some people may not be there longer than 10 minutes. I, on the other hand, could spend HOURS. Why? Because I was looking at other people's lives and comparing them to mine.
Let me just say that I have come to realize that I can no more look at my life and all it encompasses and compare it to that of someone else's, than I can compare it to the life of a tree and get an accurate portrayal of where I am on this MAN MADE timeline.
It can't happen. GOD has me where GOD needs me. While I want to get married and have a couple of more children, if me being single glorifies God more, then I'd rather be single. If me being married with more children glorifies God more, then I'd rather be married. Lent-ing in this fashion has really brought me to submission and truly praying for God's grace and glory to be revealed through my life.
I can tell you this: I am a LOT more settled now than I have been in years. And God gets ALLLLL the credit for that!
God's amazing grace for you my friends!
So, here's a brief overview of what I have learned about Lent. The ashes on the forehead represent mourning for sin (because lighting one's self on fire is probably not the best way to go about this). They did this in the Bible, except they would wear sack cloth, cover themselves in ashes and pray for days and days.
Lent is a season of repentance. Not just repenting for the sins that we are already aware of, but also leaning into God and asking Him to reveal the sins in our heart that are buried for various reasons. Repenting is not just, "God, I'm sorry." It is almost accepted in society that saying, "I'm sorry" means that you are forgiven of your sins and free to go on about your way, and you can apologize as often as you need to for the same thing. Repenting is a turning away from that sin, whether it is not buying the food you know you will binge on or not visiting porn sites or not hanging out with people who will lead you down a dark path.
So, Lent = season of repentance. It is 40 days long, which represents Jesus' 40 days in the wilderness. It leads up to Easter (the resurrection).
People fast during Lent. I chose to fast from Facebook. While that may seem petty, think about how many hours you are surfing around Facebook. Some people may not be there longer than 10 minutes. I, on the other hand, could spend HOURS. Why? Because I was looking at other people's lives and comparing them to mine.
Let me just say that I have come to realize that I can no more look at my life and all it encompasses and compare it to that of someone else's, than I can compare it to the life of a tree and get an accurate portrayal of where I am on this MAN MADE timeline.
It can't happen. GOD has me where GOD needs me. While I want to get married and have a couple of more children, if me being single glorifies God more, then I'd rather be single. If me being married with more children glorifies God more, then I'd rather be married. Lent-ing in this fashion has really brought me to submission and truly praying for God's grace and glory to be revealed through my life.
I can tell you this: I am a LOT more settled now than I have been in years. And God gets ALLLLL the credit for that!
God's amazing grace for you my friends!
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