Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Storm after Storm after Storm.....

I am exhausted. Weary to the bone. I have found my end and reached it. Or hyper-extended it. One of the two.

Last night a really bad set of storms rolled through our area. That included tornadoes. One touched down about 10 miles away while my particular area got pelted with golf ball size to baseball size hail stones. My car got it. Almost completely shattered windshield. Insurance won't cover it (liability only).

Frankly, I went into work today feeling like everyone was picking on me. I have been feeling lonely these last few days and that hasn't helped much. Yesterday a co-worker's boyfriend asked me to take part in a grand romantic gesture for her. Not exactly what I wanted to do, but I did it anyway because I knew how much it would mean to her. Her response was positive but then, out of jest, she called me a name that she intended to be endearing that I find to be revolting. *twist knife NOW*

My apartment management thinks I am annoying beyond necessity and treats me like I don't matter. Thanks guys. My windshield needs to be replaced, but I have no money to replace it.


I had told the high school ministry last week that I would be there this week (on Wednesday) to help them do data entry stuff for summer camp that is fast approaching. Last night I text them and said I wouldn't be able to make it because of my windshield (at the time I wasn't sure what the extent of the damage was).

This morning another wave of loneliness washed over me, the broken window and realization that I would have to find a way to get it fixed washed over me, and more romantic stories from the co-worker washed over me. Let's just say that I ended up sitting in my office, crying.

I had sent my apartment management an e-mail to let them know that the skylight had sustained damage. Several hours later I receive an e-mail back letting me know that my front door is standing wide open and my cat is out. They had no intention of closing and locking the door for me.

I left work early, drained of absolutely everything. No will to fight, no will to laugh, no will to do anything but lay down and let God take me home. It's been a long time since I've gotten to that point. I got home, my sister on the phone with me to make sure it was just me not locking the door properly and not a breaking and entering issue, and all was in order. My cat, Miu, was sitting inside looking like the world was just fine by her.

I hung up with my sister and just dropped onto my face, bawling like an infant, and telling God that I am done.

I ended up going to church tonight and honoring my word. I promised I'd be there, so I went. It helped me to feel better. Get out of myself and provide assistance where I was able. I'm still quite drained tonight, and crying isn't out of the question, but I know God has me. I know God is going to work all of this out according to His will. Like I tell my son, "Our God is SOOO much bigger than this storm. It may seem big and ugly and bad right NOW, but what the devil means for destruction, God means for instruction, growth, and good."

I'm simply going to take one step at a time. Where ever His light hits that path, that's where my foot will go.

God's grace is sufficient for me. Good night friends, and God bless. <3

Monday, May 23, 2011


After reading through my posts, I realized that I'm a very verbose person. And sometimes a sloppy writer, but that's another post. I like to add animation and color and commentary to my words. I also noticed that my blog seemed dark and stuffy, so I updated the layout and color scheme.

There is one thing you will learn about me quickly: I LOVE swirly designs. In fact, I have a tattoo on my left forearm that is swirly.

It says: inspire

Why? Because I wanted to remind myself that my actions need to inspire others for GOOD. I want to get a cross on my other forearm. Oh, and I love tattoos. I don't have any hope of being all "tatted up", but if it reflects something in my heart, I probably want to find a way to put it on my body through ink and needle.

I want to inspire others to seek God in their triumphs as much as they seek Him during their trials. It also helps remind me of what I need to be seeking in my trials as well as in my triumphs.

God bless you friends <3

Prayers Answered, But Not Like Expected


Heavy heart. Sort of. Since May 2nd, I have had an issue with my apartment. A leak in the roof/ceiling that led to a wet wall, problem. My apartment management didn't do anything about it. In comes another storm on May 12th and more water came in. The drywall beneath it continued to be squishy in places.

I rallied to the best of my ability to get out of my lease a month early. No luck. I tried again. Again, no luck.

Today, 21 days after the initial water damage, I call the regional manager for my apartment community. The leasing agent doesn't appear to care, so I skipped over her and went on to someone that could make something happen. She gave me a few excuses and I kind of let it be, however after thinking about it, it was clear that she thought I was having issues with the water spot in the ceiling. The water spot has been there since I moved in, so had that been the reason I had been uppity, I would have been uppity ten months ago.

So I e-mail her my concerns...again. She writes back that mold needs somewhere dark and constantly wet. To my recollection builders don't put lights in the walls (and if they do, I want to know how to turn them off since I can't benefit from them and they are driving up my electricity bill). I email her back, this time attaching pictures, and told her that if I can gently push my wall and and it gives easily under light pressure, moisture is there and there aren't any lights between the interior and exterior wall.

I said it a lot more professionally, but on here, I'm just going to be myself. Quirky. It's how I roll.

I don't get a response.

Fast forward to 5:30 p.m. when I am arriving home from a mentally strenuous day at work (mostly from my mind thinking thoughts that it shouldn't and me trying my hardest to stop it from reeling out of control). A man is standing in my window and he appears to be painting.

I go in, not upset at him by any means, and greet him. Gideon thinks it's cool that he's paining my wall. I inspect (with my carpenter daughter's eyes - thank you Dad for being a carpenter and teaching me many things in that regard) the wall and you can definitely tell that he put a new piece of drywall in. I am thankful. I ask him about the presence of mold, and he talks his way around it. I expected that response. He tells me that he had to replace five feet of wall. I believe it.

After he finished up, I thanked him for his diligence and a job well done. I will be e-mailing the regional manager tomorrow morning, thanking her for ((finally)) taking care of the issue ((21 days later)). I'll leave those little bits out. :)

I am thankful for the problem being resolved, however I was praying for a different resolution. What I wanted to have happen is us being able to move out a month earlier. Sounds odd, right? Well, it could be construed as odd, however that month we would stay with a very dear and sweet friend and her family. They have a house big enough and she and her husband happen to be Gideon's god-parents. They also happen to not like where we live. ((I can't say that I blame them.))

Why did I want to stay with them? Because it would mean a financial break for me. I wouldn't be accruing an electric bill for a month and a half (the new apartment isn't ready until July 15th), I wouldn't have rent due for a month and a half, and it would allow me some financial breathing room.

Yes, I struggle financially. God ALWAYS brings me through whatever storms come my way, and I fully rely on Him to do so, but sometimes I do wish for more than just getting by. I want to build a cushion so that I can sail through those storms just a little more on the graceful/smooth side.

It just occurred to me that God may want me to just keep on depending on Him and not on anything I can do. Of course I know this already, but I think He is trying to remind me of that lesson that I learned the ((very)) hard way over four years ago.

Thank you Lord Jesus Christ for being dependable. Thank YOU for always getting me through. Thank You for the trials. Thank YOU for prayers answered, even when they aren't answered in the way that I would probably otherwise prefer. I love you and I thank You for all you are for me and all that You do for me. Amen

Sunday, May 22, 2011

When Things Get In Our Way

Today, on our way to roller skating, there was a 5th wheel on fire. Think inferno. Flames reached higher than the fire truck that was next to it. Scary! I was the first one stopped by the police (along with three lanes of traffic behind me). in I prayed. I prayed for whoever it belonged to, I prayed that every person was okay, I prayed that God would bless the work of the hands of the emergency crews on site, I prayed for people behind me to be patient. Prayingprayingpraying...

I'm honestly not sure how long we were waiting. Half an hour? Three crews of fire trucks showed up. Four police cars were there. It was interesting/scary. I wasn't afraid of the fire jumping over and making my car explode by any means, but I put myself in those people's shoes. How heart breaking and scary that would be to have something I worked hard to get gone in a second.

Somewhere in the waiting, this woman marches up to a police officer with an envelope. As she is marching, she is frantically digging something out of an envelope. Curious, I watch. My son has his window down, so I can hear her almost as clearly as if she were standing at my window talking to me.

Apparently she had concert tickets that cost her $40.00 each and this "little hold up" was unnecessary and was going to make her late for the concert. Apparently the band wasn't going to wait for them to get there. The police officer motioned towards the now-smouldering (less inferno-like) 5th wheel and, as calmly as I have ever seen, asked her to go back to her car until this was under control.

I can't say I was all that disappointed or upset or unsettled about being stopped. The fire looked bad and things were blowing up inside of it. Frankly, I'd rather be late to just about anything rather than putting my son or myself in harms way. The police officers were doing their job; protecting public safety while ensuring other emergency vehicles could take care of the eminent danger.

How often do we see hold-ups or interruptions to OUR plans as "the world's" way of flipping us the bird? What if it is God's way of saying, "I really need this person prayed for on a massive level and I'm going to take the tragedy that is occurring to them to make that happen!" Romans 8:28 "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him,a who have been called according to his purpose."

Maybe God used that so that people can pray for those involved. Maybe God used that as a way to prevent some catastrophic multi-car pile-up where lots of people would be hurt/injured/maimed/killed/financially devastated? I don't know.

I just keep praying whenever the opportunity arises, and boy does it arise a lot!

God bless you friends!

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Taking Chances

After the accident that I witnessed a week and a half ago, I have become more sensitive to traffic, or, more accurately, people's driving. As with most people who are involved in or witness to traffic accidents, I have become hyper-vigilant about making sure I have extra space between me and the car in front of me and making sure I have more than ample room to get through an intersection when I'm turning.

Yesterday, as my son and I were on our way to skating, I noticed several people who pulled out in front of oncoming traffic in order to turn into a business or apartment community. Each time I saw that, I cringed and prayed for them. They all made it to their intended destination safely, but their actions, and mine for that matter, made me think; Do we take as many risks for God as we do with our lives to get somewhere 5 seconds before we otherwise would have?

Pretty much everyone I know, both Christian and non-Christian alike, want to be accepted. They don't want to do something that goes against the grain of society because they are afraid their friends are going to make fun of them for showing that extra measure of kindness to that person that is not seen as someone who deserves kindness, or giving up going out to dinner and instead going out and buying a little girl some shoes whose parents cannot afford new shoes for her.... I could go on, but you get the picture.

I want to be that person that is set apart. So what if I do something that others don't think is "cool"? I want to be more afraid of disappinting God than I am of looking foolish to people around me.

Food for thought. Happy Wednesday and God bless you!

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Reconciliation and Forgiveness

God is working on me. He impressed on my heart four very specific things during the Flavour Conference: Writing, Reconciliation/Forgiveness, a single mom that I am friends with, and Gossip.

Writing: I attribute that to this blog, however poorly I may write sometimes, I know God has blessed me with the ability to write well when I set my mind to it. When I was 16, I received a President's Award for a poem. I still have pieces of that poem memorized. :) Maybe God has something else in mind for me as far as writing goes, but I'm going to start here and let Him lead me where He will in this regard.

The Single Mom: She is young, her child is younger than mine. I like her because she has a very sweet heart. One of our mutual friends saw me at the conference and pulled me aside and told me that she felt led to tell me that I should come along side this young mother and her young son as a parental mentor. She told me that I am an amazing mother (I love that people think that of me even if there are times I can point out where I am not) and she thought it would benefit this person if I were to help guide her.

This morning I got on facebook messenger and she was on, so I messaged her and asked her if I could give her some of the toys Gideon doesn't play with anymore. She gladly accepted, but then said she would like to get her son and my son together to play. Her son is lonely and needs friends. I can understand that. I felt lonely and in need of friends when I was a child, and to some extent, I still feel that way, but it is becoming less and less.

Gossip: Boy, that's always a big one. There are a few people in my office I don't particularly care for. There is one in particular that I don't like the way she operates. She does her best to stir up hate and discontent whenever she is unsatisfied with herself and that typically causes one of my co-workers and I a good deal of time and emotional disturbance because both of us have to work with her. Regardless of how I feel, God is asking me to step outside of myself and put myself in the one who is stirring up discourse's shoes. I'm trying. This one is still developing. The step I have taken in this is asking my co-worker to not involve me in gossip for the sake of making herself feel better or being hateful just for the hell of it.

Reconciliation/Forgiveness: Probably something that God works on with everyone every single day they have breath. One person in particular that God put on my heart is someone that I had a mentor/mentee relationship with three and a half years ago. I have carried hurt around with the way she abruptly stopped responding to my e-mails (even after me sending her a couple of e-mails with very private information about myself that I had never opened up to anyone about prior to then) for three years. God helped me find a way to forgiveness.

Yesterday, I sent her a message on FB. Nothing overtly profound, but just telling her I forgive her for the hurt I feel she caused. I also told her that it hurt my heart to hear (through a mutual friend) that she has gone through a tough time and that I was praying for her.

The response was not what I expected. She declined knowing that what we had was a mentor/mentee relationship, but apologized for the hurt she caused. Totally not what I expected. I went back and read the last e-mail exchange we had three years ago (sadly, I did keep it, however until today, I haven't ever gone back and read it). From what I could see, the mentorship relationship was there. I didn't know what else to say. I responded and said that I had read our last exchange and that the mentorship relationship was there from what I could see, but I'm thankful that God has brought me to healing and that I would continue to pray for her.

And now I can move forward, sowing the seeds of the past to God so He can bring about a harvest that will make up for all the time lost, hurt, and tears.

I've noticed that the four things God put on my heart during the conference came in quick succession, however I also know that it isn't about being obedient once, it is about CONTINUAL obedience. It's easy to do something once, but doing something over and over again is another story.

I'm curious and intreagued on where God's leading me next...

Have a wonderfully blessed Wednesday friends!

Saturday, May 7, 2011

Hands and Feet

NEVER underestimate God's ability to use you. Regardless of your physical condition, age, race, creed, social status, size or circumstances.

Tonight, after I posted my last entry, I went to my son's godmother's house to pick up some produce that was delivered to her for me. On my way out to the car, my left foot caught the smallest of cracks and I ended up twisting my ankle. I have done this many a time before, but never quite so close to the starting of sand volleyball season (three weeks away).

I pick myself up off the ground (ended up landing on my back...thank you God for gravity, even if it does hurt from time to time), got in my car and drove to the skating rink to see my family and watch my son skate. At around 8, we packed up and started on our way home. Got to the turn signal where there was a small Volkswagen in front of me and patiently waited since we didn't have a green arrow. The Volkswagen got in the middle of the intersection and then slowly pulled out in front of oncoming traffic. One car, in particular. The person in that car couldn't stop in time. She tried to swerve, but it was too late. She ended up colliding with the Volkswagon, hitting the curb at the corner and taking out a street sign, finally coming to rest on the sidewalk. The VW ended up about 10 feet away from her facing the same direction.

As soon as traffic cleared, I did a U turn and pulled into the gas station at that corner. I get out and survey the two cars. The VW had an elderly man in it and someone was making sure he was okay, so I turned my attention to the other car. In it was a woman and her son. Since I am a single mom and have a heart for moms, I went to her, asked her if she was ok, and asked her if she needed help out. She was able to get out of her own free will. I then turned my attention to her son. He was shaking and crying and dazed.

I got him out of the car and made sure he really was ok, and he was other than the shock of it all. I called the police as I ran to the store and grabbed them water, came back out and got my son out of our car. He didn't quite know what to think about it all. Right then all the emergency vehicles showed up: a fire engine, an ambulance, two police officers, and two tow trucks. Both cars were rendered undriveable. I dare say the VW has seen it's last days.

Since the woman, Geeta, had to talk to the police and the little boy was sitting on the grass by himself, I asked my son to go talk to him. Though there is 6 year age difference between them, I wanted to see how Gideon would react to people in their time of need, and what better way than to start with a real-life experience! So I made sure they were in an area where I could see them easily while I made sure Geeta was okay and also making myself available to the police officers for a statement.

Sure, other people had stopped to look, but they didn't stick around long. I just wasn't about to leave them alone. Being in a car accident is a very scary thing and having someone there to care for you in your time of need can be such a great comfort.

So we stayed. Her son needed to use the restroom, however she was having to be there with the police officers and didn't have time to break away to take him to the bathroom, so I asked her if I could, and she agreed. I can only imagine that she was a little cautious, but given the circumstances, and the fact that I have a young child, she consented and we went.

I gave my statement to the police, the cars were both taken away, and they had a friend come and pick them up. While their friend was on his way, I stayed with them after all the emergency personnel had gone. I told Geeta that I will wait with them to make sure they are okay and taken care of and not feeling stranded.

She said the most amazing thing to me. "You are God in human flesh to me right now. God bless you!" WWWWOOOOWWWW! I didn't think I was doing anything more than having a heart for another human being in their time of need, but I know that my being there for her was EXACTLY what Jesus would have done. I hugged her and even held her from time to time, making sure she knew she wasn't alone and I wasn't going to leave her until she and her son were taken care of.

The funny thing is, she cleaned out her car and had all her stuff in a pile on the ground. She asked if I had a box and, funny enough, I did! I picked up boxes from work today because I am starting the packing process since I'm going to be moving in a couple of months. I had taken one round of boxes in, but had left the biggest box in my car. Not for any particular reason (to my knowledge at the time), I just didn't take the time to take it in. Now I am thankful that I didn't take it out of my car!

I gave her my name, address and phone number in case her insurance company needed it for a statement from me (seeing as how I gave a statement to the police, I knew my name and information would be brought up eventually) and my son and I went on our way.

It impressed my heart deeply with how my son was able to handle the situation. Not only did he get to see an active accident scene and how each agency that arrived had their certain tasks to complete and how well they all worked together as a team, but he showed such compassion and openness to this mother and her child in a time of tragedy. I thanked him for being so open and kind and loving to someone in their time of need and I told him that I was proud of him for the way he conducted himself. His face lit up as he thanked me. He then said, "Thank you for being an awesome mommy!" Such love!!!

So, though I twisted my ankle and couldn't run, God used me, limping and all, to be there for Geeta and her son. I don't have a lot of money, but buying someone water isn't going to break my bank. Please let this be an example to you. You don't have to be rich, skinny, famous, beautiful, or skilled. USE WHAT YOU HAVE to touch the lives around you. God will bridge the gaps!! Don't know what to say? Ask God for the words! He will show up in mighty ways when you make yourself available to be used.

Father God, I thank you for the opportunity you presented me with tonight! Thank you that you used me to be Your hands and feet, even if one of said feet happened to be limping! Thank You for being You, in all your divine glory and power and mercy! God, I want to be used by you! Break my heart wide open, allow me the opportunity to step into other people's shoes and have a better understanding of their life circumstances so I can approach them with love, compassion, caring, and a helping hand. Amen!

Has it really been 2 months!?!?

Yes, it really has. I have been ignoring this site because I have made myself too busy to post. :/ Not exactly following God's request for me to post a couple/few times a week, but I'm back!

Over the last three days (Thursday, Friday, Saturday), I attended the Flavour Conference (women's conference) at my church. On Thursday night, I dropped my son off with my brother-in-law after they offered to take him so that I could enjoy the conference, focus on God, and not have to worry about fussing over him or feeling bad because he was spending far more time in a daycare environment instead of being able to get out and play and run and be a kid.

Well, last week, I came down with bronchitis. Yucky stuff. I'm still feeling the effects of it (lovin' the cough! Ok, not really). Well, on Thursday night, I was feeling VERY bad. I had been coughing for two days straight (couldn't seem to take the right thing to make it go away), my head wanted nothing more than to explode (thus putting me out of my misery...I was open to that idea. I know where I'm going when I die), I was exhausted, and I had been in this cycle of pain that was starting to affect every part of me (seeing that I had to walk up stairs in order to get to my apartment made me cry because my knees were hurting so bad).

So before the conference started, I went to the pharmacy and asked them what I could take to break this up. The pharmacist, a lovely woman, suggested Mucinex D and Advil, so I bought it, took both of them, ate (though I wasn't hungry), and ended up taking myself to the conference.

An hour after I took the medication, I was finally starting to feel the pain that was attacking my body leave!! The speaker that evening was Charlotte Gambill. At first, I didn't think I would like her because she talked so fast and, being from England, had an accent that, while talking fast, made it excessively difficult for me to understand much of anything that came out of her mouth.

But I stayed.

The subject that she taught on (the subject of the conference) was "She went out on a limb and learned she could fly". WWWWOOOOOWWWW!!!! I took notes. I honestly don't remember anything super specific, but after three days of these amazing women of God pouring into me, and not referring back to my notes this very moment, you can only imagine that good note taking skills are necessary so you can "feed" yourself in smaller doses for a long time to come.

As I left, I realized that I wasn't hurting anymore. No headache, my knees didn't ache, my body didn't ache, nothing! Where once exhaustion existed, an ever deeper exhaustion entered. I felt like over-cooked spaghetti. Driving home, I was quite careful so as to avoid any fatigue-related car accidents. I also felt something else: Spiritual Renewal! I hadn't realized that the last week of being ill had not only taken a toll on me physically, but spiritually as well. I felt my fire for God starting to build again!!

So much has happened over the last two months. I have purposefully ignored this blog, but it has never been very far from my mind. I can almost guarantee you that I thought about it once a day. It makes me sad and disappointed in myself for not just getting on and start pecking away at the keys to see what God wanted me to write, but that's what I love so much about God! He will keep after you until you are obedient or He will find someone else to bless through their obedience!

Let me just say, I'd rather be the one He blesses. If He something for me, I'm going to do it, regardless of how I feel. So my journey begins again.

In Him <3