Monday, March 14, 2011


I love playing sand volleyball. I love playing it to an extent that is seriously verging on insanity. I equate this to men who sit around and watch football like it's a religion.

I'm also very competative when it comes to playing volleyball. It's how God made me. I never knew just how competative I was until I discovered sand volleyball and my love therein.

Today I put an e-mail out to my office to let them know that I am starting a team (with most of the team covered because there are a few people I know in my office that love to play as well). I asked who wanted to be on the distribution list for game dates/times and who wanted to play.

Let me just say that a couple of people responded that I'm kinda scared to know how they play. Mostly because, for one person in particular, I know how poorly they play. While that scares me, it is also a challenge to me. I have to learn how to play with people I may not particularly care for and/or who aren't particularly good at it. I have to be able to coach them on how to become better without being rude or ugly.

As much as I may not necessarily be looking forward to learning those lessons, I know I will be blessed for my efforts as long as I ask God to speak through me instead of me taking it on as my own.

My work team is happening Wednesday nights.

This is how much of a nut I am for sand volleyball: I'm also going to be on a team on Thursday nights with my team from last year at church.

Lots of practices to come! I'm so stoked! And I'm heaping praises on God for him providing me the opportunities to coach as well as just be apart of each team.

What are your passions?

Friday, March 11, 2011


That's always a big topic. Forgiveness is something most everyone I know has an issue with giving as well as receiving, which always strikes me as odd because God forgives us instantly when we ask with the right heart. It's difficult for us to accept God's forgiveness because we feel guilty. It's difficult for us to GIVE forgiveness to those that hurt or wrong us because we may not FEEL like forgiving them.

All in all, this forgiveness business is a mess.

I recently found that I was harboring unforgiveness for someone I see at least 5 days a week (at work). For the last couple of weeks, every time we got on a topic where we (clearly) don't see eye to eye or have the same values, I could feel my chest tightening. One day, my right arm started to tingle.

I'm no doctor, but I was raised by a Registered Nurse and I know that that tingeling is not a good sign. This past Tuesday, I went to my women's group at church where we discussed forgiveness. I have walked in the light of forgiveness, in the light of giving it and feeling the relief of it, so I was excited about the topic. The following day, however, when I felt my chest tightening while having a conversation with my friend, I realized that I was holding onto unforgiveness for her.


So I simply told her that I just realized that I was holding onto unforgiveness for her, and no I didn't want to talk about it (how many times had we discussed it in the past and only ended up crying and leaving mad? Too many to count...), but I'm bringing it into the light so I can allow God to deal with it.

She was rendered a little speechless. I was as well.

So I started going over the notes from my women's group and came across a couple of things I wanted to post here.

~Forgiving someone is not saying their actions are right or ok, you are simply releasing yourself from the hold that person has on you and giving them over to God.
This reminds me of something I read in "The Shack". A very good book.
~Forgiveness is not just about saying the words, but putting action behind them
~Stop wishing something could have been different in your past.
~Lose the edge in your voice and attitude - the edge of pride. "Well, I forgave that person so I'm better than they are."

No. You. Aren't.

~Choose to not engage in negative conversation. Don't put people down for what they want to discuss, just don't engage or allow yourself to become engaged in a pitty party or angry rant fest.
~Unforgiveness can be one big boulder, but it can also be the little things.
~Your child is not acting like you expect him/her to.
~That dude in traffic that cut you off or tailgated you.
~Your boss didn't say good morning to you.
~Your coworkers don't appreciate anything you do...

Through out all of that, I was wondering something. "HOW do I forgive?" Well, I have notes on that too!


G: Give it to God. Your problems may be bigger than you, but they certainly aren't too big for God!

R: Remember you have been forgiven.

A: Accept God's teaching. What is God trying to teach you through all the negativity? It can be difficult to see through all of that to see the goodness of God, but it's there.

C: Capture your thoughts. Whenever a negative thought comes to mind, even the ones that won't let you go no matter how much you try to push it away, capture it! And don't just capture it, but find a scripture focus that you can replace it with that is the complete opposite of what that negative/bad thought is. (I may start posting some of the ones I use to get me through the negative thoughts that bombard me.)

E: Experience Freedom. When you have overcome the negative thoughts and the negative people, and have truly forgiven those in your life that have hurt you, you will feel a weight drop off of your shoulders that you may well feel like you could float.

I can tell you, from recent personal experience, that just knowing that I was holding onto unforgiveness for my friend and giving the situation over to God helped me feel like some huge weight had dropped clean off me. The thing about it is that my unforgiveness isn't just a matter of one thing, it's three YEARS of built up crud that I need to work on. Every day I ask God to reveal something about it to me, and, you know what? He never fails to do just that. I have a better understanding today on why exactly I was holding onto a grudge than I did the day I discovered I had it.

One last note before I let this Friday roll.

Forgiveness is not based on merit, it is based on GRACE.

Have a wonderfully blessed weekend my friends! In Him <3

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Moving On

I promise I haven't ignored this site on purpose. A LOT has been going on since I last posted...oh boy...where to start.

I'll start with what I originally started with: The Guy. I'm just going to call him Guy from here on out. Saves me time and trouble (and protects his identity and preserves his privacy).

So, after the "break" that ultimately lasted a little over three weeks (I asked him to contact me when he thought he was ready to talk again), Guy e-mailed me. He said he had discussed "us" with his mentor and his mentor said that Guy should be more focused on God and his walk and getting through the divorce and working out all the emotions that go with that instead of dating. Guy said that his life was boring and lacking in color without me and he wanted me back.

How divided my heart was. I'll be honest, it was nice to hear that. Everyone wants to be missed. Instead of jumping on that chance, I talked to my mentor who is just absolutely amazing. It never fails that if I really need encouragement and pointed in the right direction, this woman is the one to do it. She rarely asks me how I feel (not because she doesn't care, but in matters of bigger picture things - like Guy and direction for my life - they really don't), but she asks me, "Have you prayed about it? What has God told you?"

So I discussed the Guy issue with her over lunch the same day I got the e-mail and she pointed me to God. She told me what she thought would be best for my life and my walk, told me to keep seeking God's desires (by then I had already known that God wanted me to walk away from Guy, but my fleshly desire was to keep him).

The one thing she said that gave me ultimate comfort for my soul is this: "Regardless of what you choose to do, I'm not going anywhere. You are my sister in Christ and I love you and I'll be here for you no matter what." I walked away from that lunch DETERMINED to be obedient to God.

God wanted me to stand up for my principles and values. God wanted me to walk away so He could work on Guy. God showed me that, if I made the decision to take him back, my whole life would be in ruin in three years.

I have never stood up to a guy for my principles and values. I have never walked away from or said no to any guy who has said what Guy said to me in that e-mail, but, most of all, I know I didn't want to destroy what God has so graceously provided for us all for a man.

I wrote him back. I will post what I wrote simply because they are my words and I'm giving myself permission. I will not post what he wrote to me because I do not have his permission. We are no longer in contact. I know that obedience was definitely the right way to go. It hurt because I am your typical average woman who wants a man in her life, but I'm not willing to sacrifice myself for it any more. God is in control. If Guy is not the man meant for me, then God has someone better in mind who is willing to love God more than he loves himself and do things God's way.

Without further ado, my response:


I really appreciate your e-mail, but...

As much as I do miss you and care about you, after a lot of prayer and talking to a couple of different people - both of which know my heart and know you aren't a bad guy - I think that I would do you a huge disservice if I consented to getting back together with you.

I can tell you are still hurting from where life has you right now. Me being in your life may feel right, right now, but ultimately, I would hurt your growth more than I would help it.

A lot has gone on in my life over the last 25 days. God has really helped me to understand why the relationship with you was important to my life - because you are one of the best guys I have ever dated. But He has also shown me why it had to end. In His eyes, you are still married. I've been going through a process of lining up my life with what God has for me, and being in a relationship with a man who is still married is not a part of that plan. Being sexually active before marriage is also not something that is lining up with my walk.

As hard as it was for me, over the last 25 days, I have been praying for you. I have been praying that you start the process of grieving for the marriage that is lost as well as your children no longer living with you. I can't imagine how difficult one of those is, let alone both at the same time. I have also been praying that your relationship with Christ grows stronger.

You so clearly seperated me and church in your e-mail. Without church, there is no me. I volunteer as much as I do because that's where God has my heart. I have met some of the most amazing people while serving and I wouldn't give up any of that for a man/woman relationship. I need a man who is active in church to some degree. I need a man who has strong convictions about being the leader of his household. Though you are a leader, and that is totally what drew me to you, there are things that I can't fathom giving a child the option of - like going to church or not - simply to make them happy. I don't always do what makes Gideon happy, but I do what is right. That "right" to me is going to church and allowing him to see me serve my heart out. I'm not his friend, I won't always make him happy, but I love him unconditionally and I lead him to the best of my ability and leave the rest up to God.

I prayed about staying friends with you. I didn't know if that was even an option, but, honestly, I'm not strong enough to set those boundries. We have a past. You were my greatest weakness. Even when I wanted to tell you, "No, I can't see you tonight because I'm exhausted," I didn't. I couldn't tell you no, which is why this e-mail is so difficult for me to write.

I am who I am because of God. I am colorful and outgoing and loving and caring and nourturing because of God. I agree with your mentor. You need to focus on God right now. You need to seek His guidance and be obedient to that. Obedience is something I struggle with because, as you well know, I love physical touch and I really liked the way you touched me, but I can't be the band aide that makes you feel better now for my own happiness. All that will do is make the future that much more difficult on both of us.

This doesn't mean that you can't come back to me in a year and ask me out to lunch, if you have any inclination to do so. What I would like to see for you is the divorce being finalized and you in or having gone through a divorce recovery program and your relationship with God be closer and stronger because of the storm you whethered. I know that this year is my year to grow and align myself with God. It hasn't been easy, and I've even given God an earfull of just how much I think it sucks, but it's for the better. His plan always seems to be better.

I hope you understand where my heart is and why I have had to make this decision. I will continue to pray for you because I know the road ahead is not going to be easy. I hope this isn't good-bye forever, but if it is, I pray that what God has for you in your future is amazing beyond your ability to imagine.

In Him