I promise I haven't ignored this site on purpose. A LOT has been going on since I last posted...oh boy...where to start.
I'll start with what I originally started with: The Guy. I'm just going to call him Guy from here on out. Saves me time and trouble (and protects his identity and preserves his privacy).
So, after the "break" that ultimately lasted a little over three weeks (I asked him to contact me when he thought he was ready to talk again), Guy e-mailed me. He said he had discussed "us" with his mentor and his mentor said that Guy should be more focused on God and his walk and getting through the divorce and working out all the emotions that go with that instead of dating. Guy said that his life was boring and lacking in color without me and he wanted me back.
How divided my heart was. I'll be honest, it was nice to hear that. Everyone wants to be missed. Instead of jumping on that chance, I talked to my mentor who is just absolutely amazing. It never fails that if I really need encouragement and pointed in the right direction, this woman is the one to do it. She rarely asks me how I feel (not because she doesn't care, but in matters of bigger picture things - like Guy and direction for my life - they really don't), but she asks me, "Have you prayed about it? What has God told you?"
So I discussed the Guy issue with her over lunch the same day I got the e-mail and she pointed me to God. She told me what she thought would be best for my life and my walk, told me to keep seeking God's desires (by then I had already known that God wanted me to walk away from Guy, but my fleshly desire was to keep him).
The one thing she said that gave me ultimate comfort for my soul is this: "Regardless of what you choose to do, I'm not going anywhere. You are my sister in Christ and I love you and I'll be here for you no matter what." I walked away from that lunch DETERMINED to be obedient to God.
God wanted me to stand up for my principles and values. God wanted me to walk away so He could work on Guy. God showed me that, if I made the decision to take him back, my whole life would be in ruin in three years.
I have never stood up to a guy for my principles and values. I have never walked away from or said no to any guy who has said what Guy said to me in that e-mail, but, most of all, I know I didn't want to destroy what God has so graceously provided for us all for a man.
I wrote him back. I will post what I wrote simply because they are my words and I'm giving myself permission. I will not post what he wrote to me because I do not have his permission. We are no longer in contact. I know that obedience was definitely the right way to go. It hurt because I am your typical average woman who wants a man in her life, but I'm not willing to sacrifice myself for it any more. God is in control. If Guy is not the man meant for me, then God has someone better in mind who is willing to love God more than he loves himself and do things God's way.
Without further ado, my response:
I really appreciate your e-mail, but...
As much as I do miss you and care about you, after a lot of prayer and talking to a couple of different people - both of which know my heart and know you aren't a bad guy - I think that I would do you a huge disservice if I consented to getting back together with you.
I can tell you are still hurting from where life has you right now. Me being in your life may feel right, right now, but ultimately, I would hurt your growth more than I would help it.
A lot has gone on in my life over the last 25 days. God has really helped me to understand why the relationship with you was important to my life - because you are one of the best guys I have ever dated. But He has also shown me why it had to end. In His eyes, you are still married. I've been going through a process of lining up my life with what God has for me, and being in a relationship with a man who is still married is not a part of that plan. Being sexually active before marriage is also not something that is lining up with my walk.
As hard as it was for me, over the last 25 days, I have been praying for you. I have been praying that you start the process of grieving for the marriage that is lost as well as your children no longer living with you. I can't imagine how difficult one of those is, let alone both at the same time. I have also been praying that your relationship with Christ grows stronger.
You so clearly seperated me and church in your e-mail. Without church, there is no me. I volunteer as much as I do because that's where God has my heart. I have met some of the most amazing people while serving and I wouldn't give up any of that for a man/woman relationship. I need a man who is active in church to some degree. I need a man who has strong convictions about being the leader of his household. Though you are a leader, and that is totally what drew me to you, there are things that I can't fathom giving a child the option of - like going to church or not - simply to make them happy. I don't always do what makes Gideon happy, but I do what is right. That "right" to me is going to church and allowing him to see me serve my heart out. I'm not his friend, I won't always make him happy, but I love him unconditionally and I lead him to the best of my ability and leave the rest up to God.
I prayed about staying friends with you. I didn't know if that was even an option, but, honestly, I'm not strong enough to set those boundries. We have a past. You were my greatest weakness. Even when I wanted to tell you, "No, I can't see you tonight because I'm exhausted," I didn't. I couldn't tell you no, which is why this e-mail is so difficult for me to write.
I am who I am because of God. I am colorful and outgoing and loving and caring and nourturing because of God. I agree with your mentor. You need to focus on God right now. You need to seek His guidance and be obedient to that. Obedience is something I struggle with because, as you well know, I love physical touch and I really liked the way you touched me, but I can't be the band aide that makes you feel better now for my own happiness. All that will do is make the future that much more difficult on both of us.
This doesn't mean that you can't come back to me in a year and ask me out to lunch, if you have any inclination to do so. What I would like to see for you is the divorce being finalized and you in or having gone through a divorce recovery program and your relationship with God be closer and stronger because of the storm you whethered. I know that this year is my year to grow and align myself with God. It hasn't been easy, and I've even given God an earfull of just how much I think it sucks, but it's for the better. His plan always seems to be better.
I hope you understand where my heart is and why I have had to make this decision. I will continue to pray for you because I know the road ahead is not going to be easy. I hope this isn't good-bye forever, but if it is, I pray that what God has for you in your future is amazing beyond your ability to imagine.