No Duty To Sin

Okay, let me kind of recap what I have been up to the last couple of months. God has been helping me discover things about myself and my life that I needed to remove so I could have a more authentic relationship with Him. One of those things - well, I guess this is less like showing me what I need to remove (which He has already helped me through), but more of a refinement of that lesson. The lesson I am talking about is loneliness. For...gosh...probably since puberty, I went through seasons of feeling lonely. If I was with someone when this season hit, it always spelled trouble for the relationship. The guy was never good enough. He could have been the most amazing and giving and sensitive guy on the planet, and he couldn't "fix" me. When it got bad enough, when the pressure of me making the poor guys perform to make me happy coupled with their feelings of inadequacy collided, well, the relationship ended and it was usually quite poorly. Related to this, something came across my mind yesterday - much thanks to John Piper. In this sermon, he stated, “Sin is what you do when your heart is not satisfied with God. No one sins out of duty. We sin because it holds out some promise of happiness. That promise enslaves us until we believe God is more to be desired than life itself.” (you can find the sermon here: http://www.desiringgod.org/resource-library/sermons/no-one-will-take-your-joy-from-you Can anyone say PROFOUND?!?!? Seriously, I stopped sewing, rewound it, and listened again...and then again. And then I wrote it down. Now, since this is still very fresh in my brain, I may not expand on it all that well, but I'm going to give it a shot anyway. What is sin? Anything that takes your affections away from God. Food, sex, drugs, alcohol, video games, sleep, friends, family (yes, I said it), movies, sports, clothes, makeup, cars, partying, working out, laziness, money, jobs, volunteering, people pleasing....there are probably just as many to list as there are people that exist, these are just the ones that come to mind immediately. Let me take an example from my own life: Being in a relationship. Okay, God made us relational people. He created Adam, but Adam being alone wasn't good, so God created a helpmate, Eve. And things were perfect, and then they weren't. Some people in the Bible (take Paul for example) were meant to be alone. Not that they were ALONE alone, because they were relational to other people on a non-romantic level, but they were alone in the relationship department. And they were satisfied with that because they could serve the Lord without hindrance. Now, that is the right way to look at not being in a relationship. And then there is me who went through seasons of loneliness because I saw that I was alone and I felt like my "situation" (aka: my LIFE) was broken. For three months, God took me through my past and was gracious enough to show me why men in the past RAN FOR THEIR LIVES from me. Seriously, I can't say that I blame them after examining my past behavior. Needy, empty, and broken. Kind of like a train wreck with less steel involved. But then He did something even more amazing. He showed me that my life without the circumstances DOES MATTER! That I have a life that doesn't revolve around anyone or anything! And He even showed me how the life I have is beneficial. I don't have to ask for permission to quilt, I don't have anyone else to make plans for me, I don't have to deal with the finances of two people, the stresses of two people, cleaning up after more people, cooking for more people, the dreaded "in-law's", etc... I quilt when I am able (which is fairly frequently), I only have to clean up after my son and I, cook for my son and I, and I can volunteer whenever I want. Sweet set up! Does this mean that I want to be single for the rest of my life? No. God put it in me from a very young age that I want to get married, however I am not going to allow that feeling to override my love and devotion to Him. I know that there is no man on this planet that can sustain me like God can. To refine that a little more, while I will go on dates from time to time, if the guy that I am on a date with isn't as strong in his faith as I am, or stronger, I won't go on a second date with him. Though it would feel good to my flesh to keep the dude around, I know that, ultimately, it wouldn't work out. The next sin that I am working on? Food. Overeating, to be exact. This is something that is new for me to work on, but I have a feeling that God will get me through it just as He got me through loneliness. The more I allow Him to change me, the more I trust Him to do so lovingly. So, overeating will be the next area of my life that I ask God to work on with me. And I could go on and on, but I fear this is already a long enough post. I will leave you here, praying that the words I was inspired to write will help you start down the path of understanding what may be hindering you from getting out of the pit you are in and moving on to the next amazing time in your life. Much love Brandy

Transitions

Though it has been icing and snowing here for the last 4 days, I decided to drive my son up to my sister. Actually, she and her family met me at the roller rink a few towns over because they were itching to get out of the house, so it was a convenient place for us to meet. I need a couple of days to not be mom.

This week has been tough on many levels. It has been tough on me personally because of the break-up. I've been praying through it and, honestly, God has shown me WHY it was so necessary - both the actual relationship as well as the break-up. But he has also shown me a great deal about myself through this. Let me just admit right now that it is not all pretty. It's down right uncomfortable, if you want to know the honest truth.

I'm changing. Again. I feel like every time I get to a point where I've gone through the fire and things are finally starting to calm down, another fire is popping up around me. There are days I crawl to God on my face and tell Him it is too much. It is in those times that I am doing exactly what He wants me to do: Be quiet, listen and, most of all, TRUST HIM.

SettingCaptivesFree.com is an amazing website. I do have to retract something I said in an earlier post. They actually do have a course on quitting smoking. Right now I'm working on The Lord's Table to help me deal with a lifetime of overeating. So far I am 21 days into it and I have changed a lot since I started.

A few weeks ago, God revealed to me why I started overeating in the first place. I was in the 2nd grade and I never felt like my parents had time for me. That was right around the time they started telling me, "You should be more like your sister." It seemed that they had endless amounts of time for my sister and their careers and their friends, but when I truly NEEDED to be listened to or just needed their time, they were too busy. I felt a void in my life that nothing seemed to fill.

One night after my parents sent me to bed, I waited 10 minutes so that they could get into whatever television program they were watching and snuck into the kitchen. I crawled onto the counter and got down a box of cookies. I started eating without thought. I couldn't tell you how many I ate, however I can tell you it was probably most of the box. My dad did walk in and catch me, and I scurried off the counter and ran to my room.

He came in and talked to me about it, but didn't really listen to what I needed to say. Every time after that, whenever I felt like I was ignored or pushed aside as much as I could take, I ate. I would save my lunch money that my parents gave me and spend it on junk food at the local gas station. There was a point where I would even steal candy while buying other candy. It was sad.

I grew up eating in secret. My mom taught me that one. She would stop by a gas station or a fast food restaurant on the way to dinner with the family and get something and then she would eat a full meal with the family. Overeating, eating when emotional, and secret eating became my life. Until now.

I'm transitioning into a person that I never knew could exist inside of me. A woman of moderation, if you will. A woman who is living to please God, not just with her actions, but with her body. I am learning to feed on Jesus rather than food to get that soulish fullness that I have been looking for. Dealing with a lot of emotional turmoil surrounding the break up has definitely tested me a great deal. I won't lie and say that I have over come every urge to eat, because I haven't, but I have overcome the desire to eat so much that I feel or make myself sick.

I'm not posting this to lay blame on my parents for my eating disorder. I'm about to be 31 and I think it is high time I grew up and took responsibility for my own actions. I have forgiven my parents for their part in this. They did what they knew to do. I didn't grow up in a Christian household, so this living by faith thing is relatively new if you consider that.

I know that I'm going to fail as a parent in one aspect or another to my son. I am certainly not setting out to do so, but it is inevitable. I can only pray that God will give him the heart to forgive me because I did the best that I could when it is all said and done.

May God richly bless you and yours. Be safe out there. <3