Over the last couple of days, I have come to a breaking point. Rather, God has seen me walk around and around and around the same mountain, ad nosium, and He finally put me in a place where I was willing and open to seeing that the desires I have carried and prayed for since I found out I was pregnant....may never come to pass in this life.
That is HARD to fully realize.
For some, it may be even more difficult to accept that the things that are hard in their lives now may never get any easier. I'm not trying to say that God is a cosmic kill-joy. He's not.
"Though the fig tree should not blossom, nor fruit be on the vines, the produce of the olive fail and the fields yield no food, the flock be cut off from the fold and there be no herd in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the LORD; I will take joy in the God of my salvation."
God wants to bring us to a place of brokenness so that we can see our desperate need for Him. That is exactly where He has me. I have hoped for six years, for a husband for me and a dad for my son. That is a big hope. Huge. I have taken many trips around the oh poor me mountain. I have dated men who only have a hope in getting a piece of ass and couldn't tell you anything more than superficial thoughts about God.
And my hope was in a flawed human being and not in the God of the universe.
As God has taken the last couple of nights to bring me here, one of those nights was shared with my small group. I love these people, but let me just be transparent and honest - one of my biggest fears (I know I am not alone in this) is speaking in front of people...rather, it is having a million pairs of eyes on me and me being the only source of distraction. Towards the end of our study, all three of my friends there (and the one that was there in spirit because she was not able to be there in person) looked at me. Not just looked...stared. One of my friends said something along the lines of, "I feel like there is something you need to say..."
Immediately I went deer-in-headlights. Was there something I had to say? It had been a very heavy day mentally/emotionally, sure, but....crap....there was. I couldn't open my mouth without tearing up. I managed to start talking and things just started to come out. I'm not entirely sure it was all coherent as crying was still very much part of the mouth opening process, but I started talking and leaning into God in my breaking process. They were all very supportive and just listened and added to when it was necessary, but mostly just listening.
The following day (yesterday as of the time of this post), I listened to the next sermon for next week's small group. That was hard to listen to because I was still very emotionally fragile. Hearing something that I have always feared but never dared to fully connect to: The deepest desires of my heart could never be fulfilled in this lifetime. My desire to get married and have more children and provide a father for my son....could never happen.
That was not easy to speak last night. In fact, I kind of felt like a 2 year old throwing a fit because it is possible that I could not get my way. This morning I took my son to Starbucks because I really needed coffee, so we sat there for a bit and he played on his tablet while I read Habakkuk and wrote in my journal. Writing those words was difficult. Now typing them? It's actually gotten a bit easier. I know it typically takes me 24 hours to adjust to a new truth, so I'm about 12 hours into that adjustment.
Now, this is not to say that I am dead set on not ever getting married and having more children...etc...however God has taken me to a place where I no longer hope in that circumstance or view my life now as less than ideal. God has me where I am needed, whether I see why or not. It really isn't for me to see why and judge it as good or bad.
As I have come to this realization, a couple of quotes that came to me through a sermon and a friend:
"Walking through trials necessitates that we listen to truth, regardless of if it says something we don't want to hear." ~ Dr. David Platt
"It is not true to say that God wants to teach us something in our trials: through every cloud He brings, He wants us to unlearn something." ~ Oswald Chambers
So, here I am. My hope being fully and completely in God. The one who made the heavens and the earth, beast and plant alike, every human being, every human doing, that uses the good and the bad circumstances for His will. That is my hope.
"Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for He who promised is faithful. And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds. let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another - and all the more as you see the Day approaching." Hebrews 10:23-25
God's rich and abundant love and grace over all of you.