This is something that I have only recently decided, "I need to get this out in the open so God can cover it." Not that I haven't known this scripture, but here it is in reference:
"For nothing is hidden except to be made manifest; nor is anything secret except to come to light." Mark 4:22
So, when my son was born, I very much did not feel like his mom, though I carried him internally as God knit him together. There may have been many reasons for this, but, after reflecting on it, it was probably because I realized that I am the sole support of this child - emotional, physical, mental. All of it, ultimately (and in the eyes of the law), lands on me. His male genetic donor said from the very outset that he has no interest in having anything to do with either of us.
Cool. He stayed in California. My son and I moved to Texas when I was six and a half months pregnant, where he was born just two short months later.
Not only did I not feel like his mom, I was also quite scared of him. Not that he wasn't a good baby. He was actually an amazing baby!! Seriously, God orchestrated it to what I could handle. My son was also extremely beautiful to me. I'm guessing most people have this same feeling when it comes to their children, but I now TRULY understand "horribly beautiful". Looking at him freaked me out because he was just SO beautiful that it overwhelmed me. The love I had for that little form was just as scary and big.
Here comes the irrational fear (as though the above wasn't irrational enough!). I fear(ed?) that I would raise a son that would end up being a serial murder. Why? I honestly couldn't tell you why. Maybe it is my love of CSI and Law and Order and reading medical thrillers and documentaries on serial killers (I was a morbid teenager). But I honestly feared that.
I want my son to be balanced. I want him to be able to blend in with any crowd, but also be that beacon of light for God. Not the weird kid that walks around screaming "JEZABELL!!!" at girls who are kissing their boyfriends (or random men, as the case may be) and throwing Bibles at them.
I think in a way, all parents fear raising a child that doesn't succeed. People tell me, "My child is the SMARTEST!" And I am so thankful God blessed them with an incredibly intelligent child! This world needs deep thinkers, just like it needs people with a heart. My son isn't going to win a Nobel Peace prize by the time he's 10 (unless it is in hugging!). He has average intelligence, however his heart is just absolutely mind-blowing and inspiring. It helps that he's awfully cute, but I have to push him in his studies.
And sometimes I have to catch myself comparing him to other people's amazingly intelligent children. "Well, shouldn't he be able to do long division by now? He's six after all!"
That is why I have begun the process of collecting letters from those that are close to him, all telling him what is RIGHT with him. This world is just so messed up and so very "What can you do for me?" and "How much can you earn?" and "How can you make it better/faster/easier/lighter/etc..?" That has led to a lot of messed up people because no one truly knows what is right with them. They keep changing, hoping that who they are going to become is going to be okay or acceptable.
I dealt with that all my life, until a couple of weeks ago. God is just so good and so merciful! I have been wondering when who I am was going to be good enough to those around me. God showed me that who I am really is good enough and there is nothing I have to change to be better or gain acceptance. Not that this gives me license to walk around showing my butt and being arrogant or proud, "Well, this is me and if you don't like it, you can go *&^% yourself!" It gives me the ability to be humble about who I am, to show my true self without fear of rejection, to just be the humble, grace-given beggar who is trying to show other beggars where food is. (The definition of what a Christian is according to one of my very sweet friends and volleyball players during that season.)
So there it is, published for the world to see. It makes me giggle now that I re-read it, but I also can't deny those emotions, and I'm kind of tired of carrying them around.
And they are now planted at the foot of Jesus' cross...where they belong.
God bless you my friends!
Monday, March 5, 2012
Thursday, March 1, 2012
Comparison
In my last post, I realized that I said that I was talking about Lent, except I never really did. It was more of a 4 month re-cap. Oops.
So, here's a brief overview of what I have learned about Lent. The ashes on the forehead represent mourning for sin (because lighting one's self on fire is probably not the best way to go about this). They did this in the Bible, except they would wear sack cloth, cover themselves in ashes and pray for days and days.
Lent is a season of repentance. Not just repenting for the sins that we are already aware of, but also leaning into God and asking Him to reveal the sins in our heart that are buried for various reasons. Repenting is not just, "God, I'm sorry." It is almost accepted in society that saying, "I'm sorry" means that you are forgiven of your sins and free to go on about your way, and you can apologize as often as you need to for the same thing. Repenting is a turning away from that sin, whether it is not buying the food you know you will binge on or not visiting porn sites or not hanging out with people who will lead you down a dark path.
So, Lent = season of repentance. It is 40 days long, which represents Jesus' 40 days in the wilderness. It leads up to Easter (the resurrection).
People fast during Lent. I chose to fast from Facebook. While that may seem petty, think about how many hours you are surfing around Facebook. Some people may not be there longer than 10 minutes. I, on the other hand, could spend HOURS. Why? Because I was looking at other people's lives and comparing them to mine.
Let me just say that I have come to realize that I can no more look at my life and all it encompasses and compare it to that of someone else's, than I can compare it to the life of a tree and get an accurate portrayal of where I am on this MAN MADE timeline.
It can't happen. GOD has me where GOD needs me. While I want to get married and have a couple of more children, if me being single glorifies God more, then I'd rather be single. If me being married with more children glorifies God more, then I'd rather be married. Lent-ing in this fashion has really brought me to submission and truly praying for God's grace and glory to be revealed through my life.
I can tell you this: I am a LOT more settled now than I have been in years. And God gets ALLLLL the credit for that!
God's amazing grace for you my friends!
So, here's a brief overview of what I have learned about Lent. The ashes on the forehead represent mourning for sin (because lighting one's self on fire is probably not the best way to go about this). They did this in the Bible, except they would wear sack cloth, cover themselves in ashes and pray for days and days.
Lent is a season of repentance. Not just repenting for the sins that we are already aware of, but also leaning into God and asking Him to reveal the sins in our heart that are buried for various reasons. Repenting is not just, "God, I'm sorry." It is almost accepted in society that saying, "I'm sorry" means that you are forgiven of your sins and free to go on about your way, and you can apologize as often as you need to for the same thing. Repenting is a turning away from that sin, whether it is not buying the food you know you will binge on or not visiting porn sites or not hanging out with people who will lead you down a dark path.
So, Lent = season of repentance. It is 40 days long, which represents Jesus' 40 days in the wilderness. It leads up to Easter (the resurrection).
People fast during Lent. I chose to fast from Facebook. While that may seem petty, think about how many hours you are surfing around Facebook. Some people may not be there longer than 10 minutes. I, on the other hand, could spend HOURS. Why? Because I was looking at other people's lives and comparing them to mine.
Let me just say that I have come to realize that I can no more look at my life and all it encompasses and compare it to that of someone else's, than I can compare it to the life of a tree and get an accurate portrayal of where I am on this MAN MADE timeline.
It can't happen. GOD has me where GOD needs me. While I want to get married and have a couple of more children, if me being single glorifies God more, then I'd rather be single. If me being married with more children glorifies God more, then I'd rather be married. Lent-ing in this fashion has really brought me to submission and truly praying for God's grace and glory to be revealed through my life.
I can tell you this: I am a LOT more settled now than I have been in years. And God gets ALLLLL the credit for that!
God's amazing grace for you my friends!
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Lent
Yup, I'm talking about Lent. While I only just barley understand it (and I have been told by several people that only Catholics "celebrate" it...I am a Christian, I'm still going to celebrate it), I am going to learn about it while I'm at it!
God has brought me through A LOT since Thanksgiving. That is the main reason for the quietness. While I cannot post everything on here for personal reasons, I will say that I am so much more anchored in who I am in Christ than I have EVER been before! That is absolutely invigorating!
I have been part of a small group since the week of Thanksgiving. These people are absolutely amazing, and when I first started, I felt like the spiritual baby of the group. I also felt like, "Wow, these people are amazing! Why do I deserve to be in this group? I'm not that good of a person."
It has taken nearly four months for me to finally come around and understood that, as humans, we are not worthy of God's grace and blessing and none of us deserve anything good, but by God's grace, He GIVES us that grace and puts those people in our lives that will edify and and lift us up. Ask, seek, knock. That may seem contrite to some, but when you can feel that in your soul....wow...the power of that is out of this world!
I'll be straight honest. Around Christmas, I started getting angsty in my flesh. These people (my small group) were not showing any sign of not wanting me to be around. They were also not showing any sign of wanting me to go away. That BOTHERED me. My whole life I have been pushed aside, told I wasn't good enough, or left out, so I'm use to rejection. When they weren't showing signs of rejecting me, I started acting out.
God took me through a few storms. One of them was feeling loneliness (that will be another post), and one of the others was overeating (gluttony). Those were HARD because they were heart issues and faith issues. I didn't realize they were faith issues until one of my friends pointed it out. Through those storms, I was clingy, whiney, angsty, and ten kinds of other things. There were times when I would physically be doing something/saying something/acting out and I would have this third person view of myself, internally screaming, "WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?!?!?! STOP IT!" And my flesh wouldn't stop.
This last weekend was kind of the thing that tore it. It was stupid, but I attend church with two of my friends and they went in before I got there and I got there and waited for them. After about ten minutes, I tried calling them, no answer. Texting, no answer. I went in and there they were. I was hurt. I am a grown woman and I was hurt by something so trivial. That certainly showed what was in my heart.
And I showed that hurt in my demeanor towards them, even if I was screaming at myself from the inside, "KNOCK IT OFF!!"
When my friends and I parted ways after church, I saw the hurt on one of their faces and the concern on the other one's face and it hurt me. I turned and walked to my car, crying. I saw right there how my bad attitude hurt these people who have done nothing but LOVE me unconditionally and accepted me despite our differences. I was humbled and ashamed and my heart hurt because my actions and attitude hurt God's heart...and theirs.
My knee-jerk reaction to high emotions, especially painful ones, has been to smoke (I'll get on that one another day) and eat until I felt better. I had every intention of doing both. I pulled into the parking lot where I could satisfy both of those fleshly cravings, parked, got out of the car, and walked towards the restaurant....and I never made it to the door.
I stopped.
It happens that at the place I stopped at, there was once a big grocery store that is no longer there, so there is an equally big parking lot that is now empty. I stomped around the parking lot, purse and keys and cell phone in hand, for an hour. Crying, whining, repenting, occasionally screaming...all at God. (And, Lord, thank YOU that You are big enough to take my childish tantrums!!)
After I had my say and fill, I got back in the car and went home. I sent my two friends a text, apologizing for my attitude and disposition. They both answered with love. That made me cry more.
Fast forward to last night at small group. I admitted to them all that I had been acting out because I am use to rejection and when they weren't rejecting me, I did what I could to try to get them to reject me. It didn't work.
They all answered with love.
I am so very very humbled and so very thankful and speechless by God's amazing grace in my life and love for me. I have never experienced community and understanding....or anything like my small group ever in my life. No grudges. They bear with me through my junk, and love me all the same.
I pray that those who are reading this have the opportunity to experience this kind of love. This is Godly, amazing, LOVE like you will never believe. I know there is going to come a time where I am going to have to bear with them, and I know that part of the reason God led me through this really tough time with these amazing people is so that I know HOW to bear through all of the hurts and trivialities when I need to. And how to answer...with love.
God's blessing and love.
B
God has brought me through A LOT since Thanksgiving. That is the main reason for the quietness. While I cannot post everything on here for personal reasons, I will say that I am so much more anchored in who I am in Christ than I have EVER been before! That is absolutely invigorating!
I have been part of a small group since the week of Thanksgiving. These people are absolutely amazing, and when I first started, I felt like the spiritual baby of the group. I also felt like, "Wow, these people are amazing! Why do I deserve to be in this group? I'm not that good of a person."
It has taken nearly four months for me to finally come around and understood that, as humans, we are not worthy of God's grace and blessing and none of us deserve anything good, but by God's grace, He GIVES us that grace and puts those people in our lives that will edify and and lift us up. Ask, seek, knock. That may seem contrite to some, but when you can feel that in your soul....wow...the power of that is out of this world!
I'll be straight honest. Around Christmas, I started getting angsty in my flesh. These people (my small group) were not showing any sign of not wanting me to be around. They were also not showing any sign of wanting me to go away. That BOTHERED me. My whole life I have been pushed aside, told I wasn't good enough, or left out, so I'm use to rejection. When they weren't showing signs of rejecting me, I started acting out.
God took me through a few storms. One of them was feeling loneliness (that will be another post), and one of the others was overeating (gluttony). Those were HARD because they were heart issues and faith issues. I didn't realize they were faith issues until one of my friends pointed it out. Through those storms, I was clingy, whiney, angsty, and ten kinds of other things. There were times when I would physically be doing something/saying something/acting out and I would have this third person view of myself, internally screaming, "WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?!?!?! STOP IT!" And my flesh wouldn't stop.
This last weekend was kind of the thing that tore it. It was stupid, but I attend church with two of my friends and they went in before I got there and I got there and waited for them. After about ten minutes, I tried calling them, no answer. Texting, no answer. I went in and there they were. I was hurt. I am a grown woman and I was hurt by something so trivial. That certainly showed what was in my heart.
And I showed that hurt in my demeanor towards them, even if I was screaming at myself from the inside, "KNOCK IT OFF!!"
When my friends and I parted ways after church, I saw the hurt on one of their faces and the concern on the other one's face and it hurt me. I turned and walked to my car, crying. I saw right there how my bad attitude hurt these people who have done nothing but LOVE me unconditionally and accepted me despite our differences. I was humbled and ashamed and my heart hurt because my actions and attitude hurt God's heart...and theirs.
My knee-jerk reaction to high emotions, especially painful ones, has been to smoke (I'll get on that one another day) and eat until I felt better. I had every intention of doing both. I pulled into the parking lot where I could satisfy both of those fleshly cravings, parked, got out of the car, and walked towards the restaurant....and I never made it to the door.
I stopped.
It happens that at the place I stopped at, there was once a big grocery store that is no longer there, so there is an equally big parking lot that is now empty. I stomped around the parking lot, purse and keys and cell phone in hand, for an hour. Crying, whining, repenting, occasionally screaming...all at God. (And, Lord, thank YOU that You are big enough to take my childish tantrums!!)
After I had my say and fill, I got back in the car and went home. I sent my two friends a text, apologizing for my attitude and disposition. They both answered with love. That made me cry more.
Fast forward to last night at small group. I admitted to them all that I had been acting out because I am use to rejection and when they weren't rejecting me, I did what I could to try to get them to reject me. It didn't work.
They all answered with love.
I am so very very humbled and so very thankful and speechless by God's amazing grace in my life and love for me. I have never experienced community and understanding....or anything like my small group ever in my life. No grudges. They bear with me through my junk, and love me all the same.
I pray that those who are reading this have the opportunity to experience this kind of love. This is Godly, amazing, LOVE like you will never believe. I know there is going to come a time where I am going to have to bear with them, and I know that part of the reason God led me through this really tough time with these amazing people is so that I know HOW to bear through all of the hurts and trivialities when I need to. And how to answer...with love.
God's blessing and love.
B
Saturday, January 28, 2012
HOPE in The LORD
Over the last couple of days, I have come to a breaking point. Rather, God has seen me walk around and around and around the same mountain, ad nosium, and He finally put me in a place where I was willing and open to seeing that the desires I have carried and prayed for since I found out I was pregnant....may never come to pass in this life.
That is HARD to fully realize.
For some, it may be even more difficult to accept that the things that are hard in their lives now may never get any easier. I'm not trying to say that God is a cosmic kill-joy. He's not.
"Though the fig tree should not blossom, nor fruit be on the vines, the produce of the olive fail and the fields yield no food, the flock be cut off from the fold and there be no herd in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the LORD; I will take joy in the God of my salvation."
-Habakkuk 3:17-19
God wants to bring us to a place of brokenness so that we can see our desperate need for Him. That is exactly where He has me. I have hoped for six years, for a husband for me and a dad for my son. That is a big hope. Huge. I have taken many trips around the oh poor me mountain. I have dated men who only have a hope in getting a piece of ass and couldn't tell you anything more than superficial thoughts about God.
And my hope was in a flawed human being and not in the God of the universe.
As God has taken the last couple of nights to bring me here, one of those nights was shared with my small group. I love these people, but let me just be transparent and honest - one of my biggest fears (I know I am not alone in this) is speaking in front of people...rather, it is having a million pairs of eyes on me and me being the only source of distraction. Towards the end of our study, all three of my friends there (and the one that was there in spirit because she was not able to be there in person) looked at me. Not just looked...stared. One of my friends said something along the lines of, "I feel like there is something you need to say..."
Immediately I went deer-in-headlights. Was there something I had to say? It had been a very heavy day mentally/emotionally, sure, but....crap....there was. I couldn't open my mouth without tearing up. I managed to start talking and things just started to come out. I'm not entirely sure it was all coherent as crying was still very much part of the mouth opening process, but I started talking and leaning into God in my breaking process. They were all very supportive and just listened and added to when it was necessary, but mostly just listening.
The following day (yesterday as of the time of this post), I listened to the next sermon for next week's small group. That was hard to listen to because I was still very emotionally fragile. Hearing something that I have always feared but never dared to fully connect to: The deepest desires of my heart could never be fulfilled in this lifetime. My desire to get married and have more children and provide a father for my son....could never happen.
That was not easy to speak last night. In fact, I kind of felt like a 2 year old throwing a fit because it is possible that I could not get my way. This morning I took my son to Starbucks because I really needed coffee, so we sat there for a bit and he played on his tablet while I read Habakkuk and wrote in my journal. Writing those words was difficult. Now typing them? It's actually gotten a bit easier. I know it typically takes me 24 hours to adjust to a new truth, so I'm about 12 hours into that adjustment.
Now, this is not to say that I am dead set on not ever getting married and having more children...etc...however God has taken me to a place where I no longer hope in that circumstance or view my life now as less than ideal. God has me where I am needed, whether I see why or not. It really isn't for me to see why and judge it as good or bad.
As I have come to this realization, a couple of quotes that came to me through a sermon and a friend:
"Walking through trials necessitates that we listen to truth, regardless of if it says something we don't want to hear." ~ Dr. David Platt
"It is not true to say that God wants to teach us something in our trials: through every cloud He brings, He wants us to unlearn something." ~ Oswald Chambers
So, here I am. My hope being fully and completely in God. The one who made the heavens and the earth, beast and plant alike, every human being, every human doing, that uses the good and the bad circumstances for His will. That is my hope.
"Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for He who promised is faithful. And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds. let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another - and all the more as you see the Day approaching." Hebrews 10:23-25
God's rich and abundant love and grace over all of you.
B
That is HARD to fully realize.
For some, it may be even more difficult to accept that the things that are hard in their lives now may never get any easier. I'm not trying to say that God is a cosmic kill-joy. He's not.
"Though the fig tree should not blossom, nor fruit be on the vines, the produce of the olive fail and the fields yield no food, the flock be cut off from the fold and there be no herd in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the LORD; I will take joy in the God of my salvation."
-Habakkuk 3:17-19
God wants to bring us to a place of brokenness so that we can see our desperate need for Him. That is exactly where He has me. I have hoped for six years, for a husband for me and a dad for my son. That is a big hope. Huge. I have taken many trips around the oh poor me mountain. I have dated men who only have a hope in getting a piece of ass and couldn't tell you anything more than superficial thoughts about God.
And my hope was in a flawed human being and not in the God of the universe.
As God has taken the last couple of nights to bring me here, one of those nights was shared with my small group. I love these people, but let me just be transparent and honest - one of my biggest fears (I know I am not alone in this) is speaking in front of people...rather, it is having a million pairs of eyes on me and me being the only source of distraction. Towards the end of our study, all three of my friends there (and the one that was there in spirit because she was not able to be there in person) looked at me. Not just looked...stared. One of my friends said something along the lines of, "I feel like there is something you need to say..."
Immediately I went deer-in-headlights. Was there something I had to say? It had been a very heavy day mentally/emotionally, sure, but....crap....there was. I couldn't open my mouth without tearing up. I managed to start talking and things just started to come out. I'm not entirely sure it was all coherent as crying was still very much part of the mouth opening process, but I started talking and leaning into God in my breaking process. They were all very supportive and just listened and added to when it was necessary, but mostly just listening.
The following day (yesterday as of the time of this post), I listened to the next sermon for next week's small group. That was hard to listen to because I was still very emotionally fragile. Hearing something that I have always feared but never dared to fully connect to: The deepest desires of my heart could never be fulfilled in this lifetime. My desire to get married and have more children and provide a father for my son....could never happen.
That was not easy to speak last night. In fact, I kind of felt like a 2 year old throwing a fit because it is possible that I could not get my way. This morning I took my son to Starbucks because I really needed coffee, so we sat there for a bit and he played on his tablet while I read Habakkuk and wrote in my journal. Writing those words was difficult. Now typing them? It's actually gotten a bit easier. I know it typically takes me 24 hours to adjust to a new truth, so I'm about 12 hours into that adjustment.
Now, this is not to say that I am dead set on not ever getting married and having more children...etc...however God has taken me to a place where I no longer hope in that circumstance or view my life now as less than ideal. God has me where I am needed, whether I see why or not. It really isn't for me to see why and judge it as good or bad.
As I have come to this realization, a couple of quotes that came to me through a sermon and a friend:
"Walking through trials necessitates that we listen to truth, regardless of if it says something we don't want to hear." ~ Dr. David Platt
"It is not true to say that God wants to teach us something in our trials: through every cloud He brings, He wants us to unlearn something." ~ Oswald Chambers
So, here I am. My hope being fully and completely in God. The one who made the heavens and the earth, beast and plant alike, every human being, every human doing, that uses the good and the bad circumstances for His will. That is my hope.
"Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for He who promised is faithful. And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds. let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another - and all the more as you see the Day approaching." Hebrews 10:23-25
God's rich and abundant love and grace over all of you.
B
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Plow and Harvest
"A sluggard does not plow in season; so at harvest time he looks but finds nothing." Proverbs 20:4
You know what I love? I love that the living God still speaks through His Word. Even on January 20th, 2012. The above verse was given to me as I was driving to work. I was stuck in traffic and trying not to hurl insults or ugly words at those in front of me who were...well, when you get down to it, the only issue I had with them is that they were in front of me instead of behind me.
So I pulled my Bible out. A Proverb a day and all. When I ran across this, it brought to mind something that I have been dealing with lately. Relationships. Not in a boyfriend/girlfriend kind of way, but in a family way.
This verse doesn't JUST apply to a lazy farmer, it can also apply to relationships. There are seasons in relationships just as there are seasons in life. In some seasons, you are doing the hard work; plowing (getting to know someone on a more intimate level - deeper than what you see on Facebook!!!). In some seasons, you are harvesting the result of that hard work/getting to know someone.
However, if in those seasons of plowing, you find yourself throwing mud instead, when it comes to the season of harvest, you show up, but there is nothing there. You find the person you threw mud at, stepped on, pushed around, or ignored now covered in mud, hurting, and mad. And you are covered in that same mud, hurting and mad as well.
I know what you are probably thinking: How do I get past this? That's an awesome question!
I haven't the faintest idea, however I know God will help me through. I know that I have to take responsibility for my part of the mud throwing. I know this is going to be humbling. I know I am scared because what if I start to mend these fences and all I get is mud thrown at me? And how do I stop myself from throwing mud back? No, it is not going to be easy, but I know it will ultimately be worth it.
As I was praying about this issue this morning, it occurred to me: In a personal relationship, man/woman, God instructs us to keep ourselves pure until marriage.
" Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral." Hebrews 13:4
This morning I totally got WHY!!! In our dating relationships, if we are too busy indulging in each other's flesh instead of getting to know each other, when it comes to the time of harvest, we won't have anything to stand on. I have absolutely NO authority on this, which is probably why the above explanation sounds choppy at best, however I discussed it with one of my married friends and she confirmed that this is accurate.
Really, really put a perspective on relationships as a whole.
I will keep you up to date as God moves and works on this. Pray for me friends.
God bless.
You know what I love? I love that the living God still speaks through His Word. Even on January 20th, 2012. The above verse was given to me as I was driving to work. I was stuck in traffic and trying not to hurl insults or ugly words at those in front of me who were...well, when you get down to it, the only issue I had with them is that they were in front of me instead of behind me.
So I pulled my Bible out. A Proverb a day and all. When I ran across this, it brought to mind something that I have been dealing with lately. Relationships. Not in a boyfriend/girlfriend kind of way, but in a family way.
This verse doesn't JUST apply to a lazy farmer, it can also apply to relationships. There are seasons in relationships just as there are seasons in life. In some seasons, you are doing the hard work; plowing (getting to know someone on a more intimate level - deeper than what you see on Facebook!!!). In some seasons, you are harvesting the result of that hard work/getting to know someone.
However, if in those seasons of plowing, you find yourself throwing mud instead, when it comes to the season of harvest, you show up, but there is nothing there. You find the person you threw mud at, stepped on, pushed around, or ignored now covered in mud, hurting, and mad. And you are covered in that same mud, hurting and mad as well.
I know what you are probably thinking: How do I get past this? That's an awesome question!
I haven't the faintest idea, however I know God will help me through. I know that I have to take responsibility for my part of the mud throwing. I know this is going to be humbling. I know I am scared because what if I start to mend these fences and all I get is mud thrown at me? And how do I stop myself from throwing mud back? No, it is not going to be easy, but I know it will ultimately be worth it.
As I was praying about this issue this morning, it occurred to me: In a personal relationship, man/woman, God instructs us to keep ourselves pure until marriage.
" Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral." Hebrews 13:4
This morning I totally got WHY!!! In our dating relationships, if we are too busy indulging in each other's flesh instead of getting to know each other, when it comes to the time of harvest, we won't have anything to stand on. I have absolutely NO authority on this, which is probably why the above explanation sounds choppy at best, however I discussed it with one of my married friends and she confirmed that this is accurate.
Really, really put a perspective on relationships as a whole.
I will keep you up to date as God moves and works on this. Pray for me friends.
God bless.
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Thinking About Next Year
As with most people, my thoughts around this time of year lead me to think about next year. God has impressed on my heart a few things that I want to write out here.
Spiritual Walk:
I want to continue my spiritual growth. I have grown a lot since Thanksgiving, much credit and thanks goes to my Tuesday evening small group. I have fallen in love with each person that is in that group, both as a group and as individuals. They push me to grow in my faith, and that is a gift that is truly something I cannot repay.
I also want to continue to be intentional about the people I spend time with. I have done a descent job of touching base with people when they are on my heart, whether it is through a quick text or a phone call. Can I even tell you how difficult it is to call someone out of the blue and say, "I was thinking about you and praying for you and wanted you to know that I care and I hope all is well with you."? I know it doesn't *sound* difficult, however coming from someone (me) that hasn't ever stepped out of their (my) comfort zone, it's a little nerve wracking. I know it will get easier.
Work:
I do it a lot. I love my job, but I miss a lot of time with my son because of how much I work. Not that I work more than is necessary to support us, however I have not budgeted my Vacation/PTO time to coincide with his schedule. With him going to school now, breaks are planned a year ahead of time, which makes things a bit easier to juggle. This year I will be budgeting a week off so that he and I can spend his spring break together. I am praying for something fun and economical to do, and I have a few ideas, but I'm not ready to put them up here just yet.
Personal Health:
Though I have taken the last six weeks off, and I know I'm going to pay for that, I am going to continue taking care of myself and taking care of the temple God provided me. I felt good when I worked out. Thankfully I have gotten over feeling like taking care of myself is selfish. I'm becoming better equipped with prioritizing and making sure I can get quality time with God in on a daily basis, quality time for myself, working, and quality time with Gideon, as well as spending time with family and friends.
I'm not going to lie, all of that is a tall order, however it is something that is interesting as it develops. Do I make everyone happy all the time? Nope, but that's not my job, I have discovered. I'd rather have quality time with people rather than quantity time with people. The only two on this planet that this doesn't apply to is God and my son.
Household:
I found this really interesting daily decluttering/organizing calendar on Pinterest (which I am totally addicted to - Pinterest, not the calendar) that gives you a daily task to complete and by the end of the year, you will have gone through your entire house (what seems like) ten times. I'll be lucky to have anything left by year's end. LOL Here's the link if you are interested in checking it out: http://www.mysimplerlife.com/2012.htm
So I'm looking forward to 2012 with a renewed sense of hope. I know I'll have bumps along the road, but that's okay. God didn't promise us a smooth ride, but He DID promise us a safe landing.
God bless and good night friends. <3
Friday, December 16, 2011
2011 Ponderings
This will not be the last post of this nature. I am sure that I will post another one on New Years Day, however this is my current thoughts that are floating through my head (pardon me if I am disjointed in thinking).
Around this time last year, I knew this year was going to be hard. I was sitting in a church service and a pastor from another campus was speaking and he was talking about people's hopes for the new year. He said that everyone always gets excited about a new year. It's like they expect the bad that happened in the prior year to just go away and the next year to be outrageously awesome.
As he was speaking, God impressed on my heart that 2011 was not going to be one of those outrageously awesome years for me. I was saddened, honestly. I wanted to have an awesome year because 2010 wasn't exactly a picnic, but, while I didn't set out to make 2011 a bad year, I was at least a little prepared for the road ahead.
And I am so thankful that God loves me enough to prepare my heart.
I have seen loss of friends, a boyfriend that I really REALLY got along with, disagreements with family, financial hardship, tumultuous work..... And through it all I have tried to remain graceful. I haven't always been successful. Sometimes those trials have seen me in my room, bawling my eyes out and asking God why He dislikes me so much.
Yup, I am quite capable of acting like I'm 2. I have a 5 year old son that has, on more than one occasion, provided a good example of what that looks like, so I'm schooled.
But to look at all that hurt and pain and stress, I can see where God is working. He has pulled people out of my life that had ulterior motives (which I only saw once they were gone), stripped me of every road I *could* have gone down that didn't lead to Him...all because He is a jealous God and He doesn't want me to want anything more than I want Him.
And that is exactly where He has me. Wanting Him more and more every day. Hungry for His word. Constantly asking for Him to empty me of myself and putting in my heart only the desires He has for me. Trust me, this is not easy, and there are days where I pray this prayer ten times because my flesh fights it, but it's worth it. It helps me to know that I am weak and I can't do this without Him.
I have seen the fruit of me wanting to do things my own way, and they were all fruitless. I have seen the fruit of waiting on Him, and the results are AMAZING!! I want amazing and I'm willing to wait for it.
God Bless you my friends! <3
Around this time last year, I knew this year was going to be hard. I was sitting in a church service and a pastor from another campus was speaking and he was talking about people's hopes for the new year. He said that everyone always gets excited about a new year. It's like they expect the bad that happened in the prior year to just go away and the next year to be outrageously awesome.
As he was speaking, God impressed on my heart that 2011 was not going to be one of those outrageously awesome years for me. I was saddened, honestly. I wanted to have an awesome year because 2010 wasn't exactly a picnic, but, while I didn't set out to make 2011 a bad year, I was at least a little prepared for the road ahead.
And I am so thankful that God loves me enough to prepare my heart.
I have seen loss of friends, a boyfriend that I really REALLY got along with, disagreements with family, financial hardship, tumultuous work..... And through it all I have tried to remain graceful. I haven't always been successful. Sometimes those trials have seen me in my room, bawling my eyes out and asking God why He dislikes me so much.
Yup, I am quite capable of acting like I'm 2. I have a 5 year old son that has, on more than one occasion, provided a good example of what that looks like, so I'm schooled.
But to look at all that hurt and pain and stress, I can see where God is working. He has pulled people out of my life that had ulterior motives (which I only saw once they were gone), stripped me of every road I *could* have gone down that didn't lead to Him...all because He is a jealous God and He doesn't want me to want anything more than I want Him.
And that is exactly where He has me. Wanting Him more and more every day. Hungry for His word. Constantly asking for Him to empty me of myself and putting in my heart only the desires He has for me. Trust me, this is not easy, and there are days where I pray this prayer ten times because my flesh fights it, but it's worth it. It helps me to know that I am weak and I can't do this without Him.
I have seen the fruit of me wanting to do things my own way, and they were all fruitless. I have seen the fruit of waiting on Him, and the results are AMAZING!! I want amazing and I'm willing to wait for it.
God Bless you my friends! <3
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