Afterthought

The last couple of days have been...interesting. God has brought to my attention that I have always considered myself an afterthought. As such, I have always allowed other people to treat me as an afterthought.

Someone who is disposable.
Someone who doesn't matter.
Someone whose feelings are, essentially, vapor.

Invisible.

Family.
Friends.
Boyfriends...

This has really made me think about where God has me right now. In the past, I always seemed to have a guy or two that I was talking to that had an interest in me. I would tire of them quickly because they seemed like photocopies of each other and they were all the kinds of guys that I had dated before I asked Jesus into my heart. Last year it hit me: Maybe I am the problem.

Turns out I was. I asked God to change me, and He did. Now? Not one even semi-interested party to be found.

I admit this, not with even an ounce of pride, but because as I was laying here, after a long day filled with God showing Himself through me, I was looking through facebook and seeing all the happy couples and a pang of not feeling good enough for a man to even like me, let alone love me was there. Even jealousy.

And God showed up.

‎"If I find in myself desires which nothing in this world can satisfy, the only logical explanation is that I was made for another world." ~ C.S. Lewis

Maybe, just maybe, I am the problem again. Maybe I have treated God like an afterthought. I asked God to help me to fall in love with Him, and those feelings of not being good enough and jealousy have started to ease.

I know there is going to be more to this. It's been a long day and I kind of want to cry (and I will cry - I've gotten really good at that lately), but this is a start in a really good direction. "For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime; weeping may stay for the night, but rejoicing comes in the morning." Psalm 30:5

While I may not be where *I* would prefer to be, I am quite thankful that God loves me enough to bring me here so that He can open my heart and help me see where I need to grow...and what I need pruned.

God bless you my friends, with love beyond compare, grace beyond reason, and peace that invades your heart and soul.

1 Kings 19

"The Lord said, "Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the Lord, for the Lord is about to pass by." Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake came a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper. When Elijah heard it, he pulled his cloak over his face and went out and stood at the mouth of the cave. Then a voice said to him, "What are you doing here, Elijah?" 1 Kings 19:11-13

WOW!!! WOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOW!!!

So many people these days feel like the big, bad, ugly things that happen are signs from God and act accordingly. They rarely stop and consider that maybe all those big sounds and shows don't have God in them anywhere. Even more rarely do they stop and listen to that gentle voice that is asking them a question, even as simple a question as, "What are you doing here?"

I have seen God act in MIGHTY ways in my life. Me being a single mom for over 5 years and, many times, having to FULLY rely on God for provision in our lives is definitely at the top of that list. There were days where I didn't know how I was going to feed Gideon, let alone how I was going to find food for myself, but God knew. He knew every time where that provision was coming from.

But I will also never forget those moments where I was so close to Him that I could hear his gentle voice whispering to me, comforting me, loving on me...all when I needed it the most, when my world was crumbling down and I didn't feel like I had the strength to continue.

"Elijah was afraid and ran for his life. When he came to Beersheba in Judah, he left his servant there, while he himself went a day's journey into the desert. He came to a broom tree, sat down under it and prayed that he might die. "I have had enough, Lord," he said. "Take my life; I am no better than my ancestors." Then he lay down under the tree and fell asleep." 1 Kings 19:3-5

Have I been there? Absolutely. I think we all have. The next part is just as awesome:

"All at once and angel touched him and said, "Get up and eat." He looked around, and there by his head was a cake of bread baked over hot coals, and a jar of water. He ate and drank and then lay down again." 1 Kings 19:5b-6

Though Elijah wanted so badly to die, God was merciful on him and sent an angel to nourish him.

"The angel of the Lord came back a second time and touched him and said, "Get up and eat, for the journey is too much for you." So he got up and ate and drank. Strengthened by that food, he traveled forty days and forty nights until he reached Horeb, the mountain of God. There he went into a cave and spent the night." 1 Kings 19:7-9

God KNOWS that the journey set before you going to be too hard for you to handle! That is why He sends up angels and provision, whether those angels are straight from Heaven, or from someone here on earth that is obedient to God's wishes and provides accordingly. I have seen both in my life, even before I accepted God into my heart.

Take heart in this bit of scripture! God KNOWS you are dealing with a lot, but He hasn't forgotten you!! Look for the angels that He is sending! But most importantly, listen for His voice. Sometimes it is big, but sometimes it is small and quiet and the only thing you need to do to hear Him is....be still.

God bless you my friends!

There's a wall. "Where?" *thud*

This week has been difficult to keep up the exercise. Gideon is starting Kindergarten and there's a LOT that you have to do in order to get it all together and registered and ready. Tonight as I was reflecting on feeling burnt out (with pretty much life in general), it occurred to me, again, like this is much like faith.

When you first ask Jesus into your heart, you feel a rush of hope and love and grace and like you could go out and conquer the world! Much like deciding, "I'm going to finally start taking care of my body!!" And you go out and work out and feel good and feel tired and that feels GOOD.

Then the new-ness wears off.

In your faith, that typically means a storm comes and you are reeling from the onslaught. You hope your faith is like a mustard seed. "He replied, "Because you have so little faith. I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you."" Matthew 17:20. In reality, you want to find the nearest hole, no matter how small it may be, and bury yourself as deeply as possible, and then maybe just a little more for added assurance.

In diet and exercise (when you haven't done much of that for a while), I have gotten to the point where the new-ness has rubbed completely off and now I'm tired. My body is sore (good sore) and the gallon of ice cream in my freezer (it's more like a pint) is calling my name. Unfortunately for some who have dealt with overeating their entire lives, the closest hole they can find to run to is...the refrigerator.

Though that is what I WANTED to do tonight, it is not what I actually DID. I instead got up and exercised. General calisthenics, but just something to keep me moving and away from the fridge. It worked!

I have been on a team on myfitnesspal.com since the beginning of August and the people that I have met there are amazing and so inspirational. I have noticed that I am doing the daily challenges without doing much more in addition to (like we are supposed to be doing). I also know that I haven't been going to bed early and thus making me more tired and less likely to get up and do more.

Spiritually, we need to find rest. True rest is only found in quiet time and reading the Bible and truly listening to/for God to speak into our lives, much like sleep is essential for our bodies so that we can get up and do things without "I'm tired" coming to visit.

I am definitely looking forward to sleep tonight and a three day weekend. Renewal of the mind, body and spirit is what is in my cards right now.

God bless and good night my friends!

Things I'm Learning

I'm learning a lot in my journey to health. It's not very unlike my spiritual walk. When I first gave my life over to God, I felt amazing, like I could conquer the world and all the evils therein. When I first started this journey three weeks ago (on July 20th, to be exact), I felt awesome, like I could conquer this fat and everyone else's with mine.

Then reality hits. Like a freight train hauling cinder blocks.

The tests come.

In food, every food that you love (that's not healthy) is EVERYWHERE. It's difficult to turn it down, but I know if I do, it'll pay off. This is not to say that I don't eat things that aren't uber healthy for me, because I do, but I am now a lot more conscious of how much I eat. I also track my calories (something I never thought I would actually do ever in my life) so that I can see what I'm doing right and what I'm doing wrong so that I can make subtle positive changes.

In exercise, every reason to not get off my butt is there. I'm tired, I'm sore, my knee hurts, my ankle hurts, I worked a lot, I'm stressed.... All good reasons to get up and DO something. A stroll around the block, a walk on the treadmill, some yoga..... Anything to keep moving. I have learned that exercise helps me to de-stress after a bad day at work. I have also learned that there is a runner's high that makes me feel absolutely amazing after I run (even if I run for not very long...and even if I'm not totally enjoying the run while I'm doing it).

In my spiritual walk, every reason to not spend time in the Word and praying show themselves, however when I do read on a daily basis and journal and, well, this blog very much counts into that as well, I feel close to God. When I make excuses to not spend time in the Word and pray and blog, it feels like God couldn't be further away from me if He tried.

Also in the spiritual walk is not just the quiet time, but it's also the living it out. Volunteering, finding a way to serve people outside the church as well (helping someone get a can off the top shelf at the grocery store, smiling at someone and saying something kind to them when they look like they couldn't be having a worse day if they tried), etc..

I know there is going to be more lessons for me to learn along the way, but these are the first couple. I am definitely looking forward to the rest of the journey!

Something New

So I posted on my FB last night that I have a new post coming, and here it is! Something is new in my life that makes me feel totally different.

What is that *thing*?

Exercise and taking care of my body. Yes this is new. Until now, I felt selfish for spending time in the gym and taking care of myself. I felt like I was being selfish when, in fact, it is not. If I don't take care of my physical body, who will? And if you don't take care of you, how can you expect yourself to take care of others? I don't know of a way for me to allow someone else to take my body and go for a jog or to yoga or anything else.

On top of that, God put US in control of our bodies. "Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body."
1 Corinthians 6:19-20 He gave them to us as a gift, and asks us to take care of it.

By me not working out and eating properly, I have become fat. I don't want to be fat any more. This isn't for a guy (guys are a dime a dozen), this is for God and me and for my son. I want to glorify God in the body that He gave me, I want to show Gideon what dedication looks like. Gideon knows what work looks like because he has seen me do that plenty all his life. Now I'm upping the stakes. Yes it is good to work, but not all the time. Yes it is good to exercise, but in moderation (if you hurt yourself, how much good are you going to be able to do?). It's good to eat, but in moderation.

So this is the new thing in my life. Have I tried and failed at this before? Yes. At one point I tried and succeeded, but I did it for the wrong reasons. Once that reason evaporated, I spiraled again. I have come to understand that I am worth me taking care of myself.

"Though a righteous man falls seven times, he rises again". Proverbs 24:16 (NIV)

It doesn't matter how many times you have fallen or failed, the only time you ever lose is when you stop trying. REFUSE TO GIVE UP!!! I will never be skinny. God did not design me to be skinny, but I can be fit and I can be active and I can lessen the chances of me getting type II diabetes and a host of other obesity-related diseases that run in my family that are avoidable through diet and exercise.

My biggest hurdle is going to be balancing everything:

Spending time with God
Being a single mom
Being employed full time
Spending time with my family
Volunteering
Working out

I know I can do this. I may have to step back some of my volunteer work (I have already done this recently through the moving process), but not giving up on it entirely. I love giving my time to my church and to people I can influence. I will be able to do that better and, more than likely, in different ways, once I begin to see the weight come off.

Anyway, so this is a new chapter in my journey. I'd love for you to follow along. I'll be posting pictures as I progress.

God, bless my friends. <3

You Will Protect Me, Right?

I've taken a bit of a hiatus. We have been in the process of packing and moving, and then the time in between apartments...well, restful is not what I would term it, but growth and appreciation is.

But I'm back!

This past Saturday, a church that I have been to in the past, one that has an amazing Single Parent Ministry, had a Boy's Mentoring morning. A bunch of guys got together with a bunch of boys and played flag football, water balloon fight, and ate pizza. Totally a dude kind of day. :)

I typically don't get to make it to those events because something inevitably comes up, however this last weekend turned out a little differently. I got up, Gideon was overflowing with youthful energy and the need to get out and do SOMETHING, and I thought, "Ah ha! I know what he can do to burn off that energy!" So, I packed him into the car and drove him to the church.

I was greeted by a few of the guys as well as the (female) organizers. I ended up staying and taking pictures since they were a little short-handed initially and it was just awesome to watch my son learn how to play flag football. It was funny too. :)

On one of the plays, Gideon happened to be in the wrong place at the right time and got kneed (completely by accident) by one of the guys. He wanted to cry, but I wasn't going to let him. I told him to grab some water, rub some dirt on it, and get back at it. Gideon had no intention of getting back on the field, however I didn't let him get away with it. He was there to expend energy and be a boy, and I had every intention of him doing just that.

Well, one of the volunteers and Gideon made a connection rather quickly. It was very heart warming to hear part of his story before all the action started, and it was awesome that he cared enough to ask me about the dad situation in regards to Gideon. It isn't the easiest thing to say, "He doesn't have a dad," but anything short of that would have been a lie.

So, after pushing Gideon back out onto the field (like any loving mother would), he stood next to his new friend and, I'm not sure what happened, but Gideon ended up on the ground in the midst of other little bodies. This time the volunteer took him aside and they sat under a tree and talked for ten or so minutes. I'm not sure what they talked about, but after the talk was over, Gideon was excited to get back up and get back at it!

This is the part that is both heartwarming to me...and heartbreaking. They got into position and before the play started, Gideon looked up at him and asked, "You're going to protect me, right?"

SOOOOOOOOOO many emotions welled up inside of me. Isn't that what we all want? Someone to protect us and take care of us? Someone we can lean on and trust when times are tough? I know I do. I know Gideon does. I know Gideon trusts me and leans on me, and sometimes it feels like that is a weight that I cannot handle, but God NEVER fails to give me the strength I need, just as I know I can always trust Him and lean on Him when times are tough.

That was the moment the other volunteers came out and took over the camera work. Not that I didn't want to be there to watch the festivities, but Gideon is around me often and this event wasn't for me to spend more time with him, but for him to be around amazing Christian men for real dude time, so I left and took a walk and prayed and cried. God is just SOOOO good! I felt reassurance wash over my heart that He truly is taking care of me and He is giving me the strength that I need to continue on this amazing journey.

When I returned, I ended up talking to one of the women that was there volunteering and she asked me about my story. I started talking and just let it out. I ended up crying the whole way through. She just sat there and listened and asked questions and held my hand and reassured me.

That event wasn't just for Gideon. God had every intention of reaching my heart in a deep and profound way that morning as well.

Tonight, as I was reading the Bible, I came across Job. I have read all of Job, but I haven't understood it all yet, however God led me to a specific passage, "If I have raise my hand against the fatherless, knowing that I had influence in court, then let my arm fall from the shoulder, let it be broken off at the joint." Job 31:21-22

God calls us to be an influence to those that are fatherless. The guys that were there and, in particular, the one that Gideon became a shadow to on Saturday, were heeding that direction and actually DOING something to influence those children who are fatherless. I have met a lot of men in my day. Some of them have proclaimed that they are Christians, and they know a whole lot about theology, probably mountains more than I ever will, HOWEVER! The fruit of the Spirit is not there.

Gideon likes to ask, "Mommy, when is God going to bring me a dad?" That question hurt at first, and stings just a little still, however my answer is always, "God has heard you pray, and He wants to hear you ask even still, but God has an AMAZING daddy for you. Not just any guy can be your daddy, but first God has to work on both him and me. You will get a daddy exactly when you need one, in God's timing, and God is never late."

On that note, friends, I bid you a good night. Time to pray with the Gidlet and get myself to sleep. God bless and good night!

Compromise and Acceptance

This is something that is difficult for a lot of people. Let's start off with the definitions (brought to you by The Free Dictionary):

Compromise: A settlement of differences in which each side makes concession

Acceptance: to take or receive (something offered)

Okay, that wasn't so bad, now was it?

Compromise for me is difficult because it means that I have to not get everything I want and I have to LIKE IT!! Not the superficial, "I'm going to act like everything is okay, but then bottle up my emotions and let it all come out when the next related incident comes up," or "I'm going to pick at you and make passive aggressive, snippy comments any time I get the chance." kind of acceptance, but real, genuine, honest-to-goodness compromise.

Compromise and acceptance can manifest themselves in forgiveness.

One incident where I can clearly remember this lesson starting is with my son. I was sick, the hormones were having their way with my emotions, and we were at the doctor's office . He decided that rolling around on the doctor's stool was the thing to do while playing with my itouch.

I warned him to be careful. I asked him to stop rolling around. Neither of those things happened.

He over-corrected on a roll and he fell to the side. The side that held the touch.

Onto the floor, face first, went the touch. He righted himself and I retrieved it from him. Sure enough, three cracks were running across the face.

I wanted to scream, cry....pretty much any emotion one human being could possibly feel came crashing down on me all at once. I took a few deep breaths with my eyes closed. Oddly enough, the thought that came to mind was, "Is screaming at him going to change this?"

No, it wont.

Instead of doing any of the 10 things that first came to my mind, my reaction was to tell him, "You have lost the ability to use the touch." Though there were a few days in which I chose to make little comments about the incident instead of letting it go and moving on, this was honestly the first time I can say that I gained the acceptance of a bad situation in a rather short period of time. Instead of reacting as I normally would have, I chose to act better. Sure, I now have a touch with a cracked screen that needs to be replaced, however it does still work and my son is no longer able to use it. Compromise achieved!

I'm not perfect at this by any stretch of the imagination, but I am clearly seeing situations, whether they are big or small, arise and I am trying to take a more forgiving stance on them. Some situations just can't be helped or remedied and your choice in the compromise is void, yet you still have to live with the outcome of the situation.

Do you needle and pick at people when something is done or said that is off-putting to you?

Just once when an occasion like that arises, try not saying those passive negative comments. So what if it's not going to go your way? LIFE ISN'T FAIR, but in YOU choosing how you react to it, you may feel better about your actions and words after the fact.

Find yourself in a conversation with someone that picks at you? There are always ways to extract yourself from them gracefully and not get drawn into saying something you might regret later. You cannot control how others act or react, you are only in control of yourself. Make the way you react reflect God's love and grace and see how the opposition reacts.

God bless you my friends. <3