Have you ever been frustrated or mad at God? I have. I spent age ten until twenty-five mad at God because He took my grandfather away. Well, that’s what my 10 year old brain processed it as, anyway. My grandfather was the first man I had a close relationship with. It was not that my dad wasn’t in the picture, because he was to a small extent, however he was going to college to become a registered nurse so he could support his family – that being his wife (my mom), my older sister and I.
While my dad was an hour away going to college full-time, my mom worked full time, very long hours, and my grandfather – her dad – would watch us after school. My grandfather and I were very close. He was a loving man, a fair man, and would spend hours cuddling with me when I needed that. On April 1st, 1990, my grandfather went to be with the Lord. He died in his sleep, very peacefully, of a heart attack.
I was a very mad little girl. I blamed God for taking him away from me. Prior to his death, I had dreams of both my dad and my grandfather giving me away at my wedding. When he died, that dream was shattered. He would never meet my children. He would not see me as an adult. And it was all God’s fault.
I now realize how stupid that anger and angst was.
Lately I have been watching “Bruce Almighty”. It is quite a funny movie, even if there is a descent amount of blasphemy involved in the first half of the movie. One of the parts that I keep thinking back to is the part where Bruce is on his way into a giant building that is named “OMNI PRESENTS”. As he is on his way in, he is looking at his surroundings as he walks, not paying attention to where his feet are landing, and he manages to stick a third of his left leg into a hole filled with water. When he pulls it out, he says, “GOD! LOOK! WHAT IS THAT??? What is that????? Gah! Geez! Thank you! Thank you again!” as he is gesturing as though God himself put that puddle there for him to step in.
That makes me wonder how often I do that. How often am I not paying attention and I manage to stick my foot into a pit of mud or water or quicksand, only to look up and blame God for my inability to pay attention. Had Bruce lined up with God’s direction for his life, Bruce would not be in that warehouse district to meet with God to begin with.
That movie also makes me wonder what I would do if I were endowed with God’s powers. From even the smallest amount that I can fathom that – which, I know my human brain is incapable of imagining that kind of power – I know I would not fare any better than Bruce did in that movie. If you have not yet seen that movie, I definitely recommend that you do so. It is pretty funny and it is definitely thought provoking.
I do want to apologize for not posting sooner. This week was the C3 conference at my church and I was being the hands and feet to the best of my human ability, which left me with precious little time for personal anything…like sleep. :)
God bless you in your walk today!
The American Catholic bishops provide movie reviews on their website (usccb.org/movies/), and their review of Bruce Almighty says pretty much the same thing that you did. I don't watch a lot of movies (it usually takes something very specific to get me to watch one), but perhaps I will see that one someday.
ReplyDeleteThat aside, yes, I remember a very specific period that I was angry with God, in the 90s after the death of my mother, though not specifically because of that. I quit the Baptist church where I had been baptized (I was a pretty nominal member). I went back and forth from deciding God just didn't exist, to knowing He did but I could care less. Meanwhile, my dad also died. One day I sat on the floor and shredded a Bible just to spite God. But I guess I couldn't stay away. So I continued to denomination-hop for another year before I settled (though I didn't go to church every Sunday). Thankfully for me, God has a lot of patience, forgiveness, and a sense of humor. In 1998 I had a very definite experience of God's love, and that prompted me to re-examine my relationship with Him. And well, it's been quite a journey (not over yet), but here I am.
BTW, if you don't mind mentioning, where do you go to church?
I couldn't agree more with your statement about how God has a lot of patience. A few years back, at a church I used to attend (and still have many friends at - it became an issue to attend there when I moved to Euless, gas not being free and all), I had talked about this with one of my friends and she told me something that has stuck with me. She said, "God can take your anger. He can take your hurts and pains. He's a big guy, don't worry about hurting His feelings, but make sure you are listening to Him as much as you are telling Him how mad you are at him." I don't purposfully go out of my way to be mad at God, but it happens occassionally. I know He can take it, and I do take the time to listen to what He has to say to me now. It always works out. :)
ReplyDeleteI go to Fellowship Church out in Grapevine. I know penty of people who tell me, "Oh that's just one of those mega churches. You'll get lost." You know what? I thought that at first as well, but it turns out that I don't get lost in it all. The more I have stepped out and volunteered and gotten to know people and opened myself up to real community with other believers, the smaller the church feels. When I'm not there, I have people calling me and e-mailing me and facebooking me to make sure I'm ok. I matter. What I do matters. Above all that, I love that church and can't imagine myself anywhere else. :)
I praise God to know that you have found God's patience, forgiveness and sense of humor. I think God is amazing for how much he sometimes puts us in situations where we are looking up at him going, "Really?!?" I typically imagine Him looking down on me and laughing. It's the same thing I do with my son. I tell him he has to find himself out of whatever situation he put himself in because he disobeyed me (non-life-threatening, of course) and he gives me the "Really?" look (which, unfortuantly, he is rather good at) and I just giggle because I know he can do it, he just doesn't know it until he does it. :)
I definitely know where Fellowship Church is, I pass it on the way to work each day since I meander my way from my apartment (near the Villages of Bear Creek Park) all the way up to Main Street in Lewisville, avoiding all the highways I can -- and I swing around Grapevine Mills Mall, and it's right across the highway.
ReplyDeleteMy church isn't that big. Since a parish is a geographical area (like a county), any Catholic physically living in St. Michael parish is automatically a parishioner of St. Michael. Sort of like if you live in Euless, you are automatically a resident of Euless, even if you work and shop elsewhere. However, we have maybe 2000+ REGISTERED members, some who actually live in other parishes. That's still big enough to get lost. Small groups help for sure. And getting involved in a ministry does, as you yourself know.
On Saturday mornings, I also go up to St. Francis of Assisi in Grapevine for the Saturday mass. It's the only Catholic Church in NE Tarrant that has a Saturday morning daily mass, as opposed to an evening vigil (which is actually a Sunday mass). There are about 25 or 30 who come to the Saturday morning mass at St. Francis, besides the priest, so we have a pretty intimate group. I'm beginning to learn names now.