Yes, it really has. I have been ignoring this site because I have made myself too busy to post. :/ Not exactly following God's request for me to post a couple/few times a week, but I'm back!
Over the last three days (Thursday, Friday, Saturday), I attended the Flavour Conference (women's conference) at my church. On Thursday night, I dropped my son off with my brother-in-law after they offered to take him so that I could enjoy the conference, focus on God, and not have to worry about fussing over him or feeling bad because he was spending far more time in a daycare environment instead of being able to get out and play and run and be a kid.
Well, last week, I came down with bronchitis. Yucky stuff. I'm still feeling the effects of it (lovin' the cough! Ok, not really). Well, on Thursday night, I was feeling VERY bad. I had been coughing for two days straight (couldn't seem to take the right thing to make it go away), my head wanted nothing more than to explode (thus putting me out of my misery...I was open to that idea. I know where I'm going when I die), I was exhausted, and I had been in this cycle of pain that was starting to affect every part of me (seeing that I had to walk up stairs in order to get to my apartment made me cry because my knees were hurting so bad).
So before the conference started, I went to the pharmacy and asked them what I could take to break this up. The pharmacist, a lovely woman, suggested Mucinex D and Advil, so I bought it, took both of them, ate (though I wasn't hungry), and ended up taking myself to the conference.
An hour after I took the medication, I was finally starting to feel the pain that was attacking my body leave!! The speaker that evening was Charlotte Gambill. At first, I didn't think I would like her because she talked so fast and, being from England, had an accent that, while talking fast, made it excessively difficult for me to understand much of anything that came out of her mouth.
But I stayed.
The subject that she taught on (the subject of the conference) was "She went out on a limb and learned she could fly". WWWWOOOOOWWWW!!!! I took notes. I honestly don't remember anything super specific, but after three days of these amazing women of God pouring into me, and not referring back to my notes this very moment, you can only imagine that good note taking skills are necessary so you can "feed" yourself in smaller doses for a long time to come.
As I left, I realized that I wasn't hurting anymore. No headache, my knees didn't ache, my body didn't ache, nothing! Where once exhaustion existed, an ever deeper exhaustion entered. I felt like over-cooked spaghetti. Driving home, I was quite careful so as to avoid any fatigue-related car accidents. I also felt something else: Spiritual Renewal! I hadn't realized that the last week of being ill had not only taken a toll on me physically, but spiritually as well. I felt my fire for God starting to build again!!
So much has happened over the last two months. I have purposefully ignored this blog, but it has never been very far from my mind. I can almost guarantee you that I thought about it once a day. It makes me sad and disappointed in myself for not just getting on and start pecking away at the keys to see what God wanted me to write, but that's what I love so much about God! He will keep after you until you are obedient or He will find someone else to bless through their obedience!
Let me just say, I'd rather be the one He blesses. If He something for me, I'm going to do it, regardless of how I feel. So my journey begins again.
In Him <3
Saturday, May 7, 2011
Monday, March 14, 2011
Passionate
I love playing sand volleyball. I love playing it to an extent that is seriously verging on insanity. I equate this to men who sit around and watch football like it's a religion.
I'm also very competative when it comes to playing volleyball. It's how God made me. I never knew just how competative I was until I discovered sand volleyball and my love therein.
Today I put an e-mail out to my office to let them know that I am starting a team (with most of the team covered because there are a few people I know in my office that love to play as well). I asked who wanted to be on the distribution list for game dates/times and who wanted to play.
Let me just say that a couple of people responded that I'm kinda scared to know how they play. Mostly because, for one person in particular, I know how poorly they play. While that scares me, it is also a challenge to me. I have to learn how to play with people I may not particularly care for and/or who aren't particularly good at it. I have to be able to coach them on how to become better without being rude or ugly.
As much as I may not necessarily be looking forward to learning those lessons, I know I will be blessed for my efforts as long as I ask God to speak through me instead of me taking it on as my own.
My work team is happening Wednesday nights.
This is how much of a nut I am for sand volleyball: I'm also going to be on a team on Thursday nights with my team from last year at church.
Lots of practices to come! I'm so stoked! And I'm heaping praises on God for him providing me the opportunities to coach as well as just be apart of each team.
What are your passions?
I'm also very competative when it comes to playing volleyball. It's how God made me. I never knew just how competative I was until I discovered sand volleyball and my love therein.
Today I put an e-mail out to my office to let them know that I am starting a team (with most of the team covered because there are a few people I know in my office that love to play as well). I asked who wanted to be on the distribution list for game dates/times and who wanted to play.
Let me just say that a couple of people responded that I'm kinda scared to know how they play. Mostly because, for one person in particular, I know how poorly they play. While that scares me, it is also a challenge to me. I have to learn how to play with people I may not particularly care for and/or who aren't particularly good at it. I have to be able to coach them on how to become better without being rude or ugly.
As much as I may not necessarily be looking forward to learning those lessons, I know I will be blessed for my efforts as long as I ask God to speak through me instead of me taking it on as my own.
My work team is happening Wednesday nights.
This is how much of a nut I am for sand volleyball: I'm also going to be on a team on Thursday nights with my team from last year at church.
Lots of practices to come! I'm so stoked! And I'm heaping praises on God for him providing me the opportunities to coach as well as just be apart of each team.
What are your passions?
Friday, March 11, 2011
Forgiveness
That's always a big topic. Forgiveness is something most everyone I know has an issue with giving as well as receiving, which always strikes me as odd because God forgives us instantly when we ask with the right heart. It's difficult for us to accept God's forgiveness because we feel guilty. It's difficult for us to GIVE forgiveness to those that hurt or wrong us because we may not FEEL like forgiving them.
All in all, this forgiveness business is a mess.
I recently found that I was harboring unforgiveness for someone I see at least 5 days a week (at work). For the last couple of weeks, every time we got on a topic where we (clearly) don't see eye to eye or have the same values, I could feel my chest tightening. One day, my right arm started to tingle.
I'm no doctor, but I was raised by a Registered Nurse and I know that that tingeling is not a good sign. This past Tuesday, I went to my women's group at church where we discussed forgiveness. I have walked in the light of forgiveness, in the light of giving it and feeling the relief of it, so I was excited about the topic. The following day, however, when I felt my chest tightening while having a conversation with my friend, I realized that I was holding onto unforgiveness for her.
WOW!
So I simply told her that I just realized that I was holding onto unforgiveness for her, and no I didn't want to talk about it (how many times had we discussed it in the past and only ended up crying and leaving mad? Too many to count...), but I'm bringing it into the light so I can allow God to deal with it.
She was rendered a little speechless. I was as well.
So I started going over the notes from my women's group and came across a couple of things I wanted to post here.
~Forgiving someone is not saying their actions are right or ok, you are simply releasing yourself from the hold that person has on you and giving them over to God.
This reminds me of something I read in "The Shack". A very good book.
~Forgiveness is not just about saying the words, but putting action behind them
~Stop wishing something could have been different in your past.
~Lose the edge in your voice and attitude - the edge of pride. "Well, I forgave that person so I'm better than they are."
No. You. Aren't.
~Choose to not engage in negative conversation. Don't put people down for what they want to discuss, just don't engage or allow yourself to become engaged in a pitty party or angry rant fest.
~Unforgiveness can be one big boulder, but it can also be the little things.
~Your child is not acting like you expect him/her to.
~That dude in traffic that cut you off or tailgated you.
~Your boss didn't say good morning to you.
~Your coworkers don't appreciate anything you do...
Through out all of that, I was wondering something. "HOW do I forgive?" Well, I have notes on that too!
GRACE!
G: Give it to God. Your problems may be bigger than you, but they certainly aren't too big for God!
R: Remember you have been forgiven.
A: Accept God's teaching. What is God trying to teach you through all the negativity? It can be difficult to see through all of that to see the goodness of God, but it's there.
C: Capture your thoughts. Whenever a negative thought comes to mind, even the ones that won't let you go no matter how much you try to push it away, capture it! And don't just capture it, but find a scripture focus that you can replace it with that is the complete opposite of what that negative/bad thought is. (I may start posting some of the ones I use to get me through the negative thoughts that bombard me.)
E: Experience Freedom. When you have overcome the negative thoughts and the negative people, and have truly forgiven those in your life that have hurt you, you will feel a weight drop off of your shoulders that you may well feel like you could float.
I can tell you, from recent personal experience, that just knowing that I was holding onto unforgiveness for my friend and giving the situation over to God helped me feel like some huge weight had dropped clean off me. The thing about it is that my unforgiveness isn't just a matter of one thing, it's three YEARS of built up crud that I need to work on. Every day I ask God to reveal something about it to me, and, you know what? He never fails to do just that. I have a better understanding today on why exactly I was holding onto a grudge than I did the day I discovered I had it.
One last note before I let this Friday roll.
Forgiveness is not based on merit, it is based on GRACE.
Have a wonderfully blessed weekend my friends! In Him <3
All in all, this forgiveness business is a mess.
I recently found that I was harboring unforgiveness for someone I see at least 5 days a week (at work). For the last couple of weeks, every time we got on a topic where we (clearly) don't see eye to eye or have the same values, I could feel my chest tightening. One day, my right arm started to tingle.
I'm no doctor, but I was raised by a Registered Nurse and I know that that tingeling is not a good sign. This past Tuesday, I went to my women's group at church where we discussed forgiveness. I have walked in the light of forgiveness, in the light of giving it and feeling the relief of it, so I was excited about the topic. The following day, however, when I felt my chest tightening while having a conversation with my friend, I realized that I was holding onto unforgiveness for her.
WOW!
So I simply told her that I just realized that I was holding onto unforgiveness for her, and no I didn't want to talk about it (how many times had we discussed it in the past and only ended up crying and leaving mad? Too many to count...), but I'm bringing it into the light so I can allow God to deal with it.
She was rendered a little speechless. I was as well.
So I started going over the notes from my women's group and came across a couple of things I wanted to post here.
~Forgiving someone is not saying their actions are right or ok, you are simply releasing yourself from the hold that person has on you and giving them over to God.
This reminds me of something I read in "The Shack". A very good book.
~Forgiveness is not just about saying the words, but putting action behind them
~Stop wishing something could have been different in your past.
~Lose the edge in your voice and attitude - the edge of pride. "Well, I forgave that person so I'm better than they are."
No. You. Aren't.
~Choose to not engage in negative conversation. Don't put people down for what they want to discuss, just don't engage or allow yourself to become engaged in a pitty party or angry rant fest.
~Unforgiveness can be one big boulder, but it can also be the little things.
~Your child is not acting like you expect him/her to.
~That dude in traffic that cut you off or tailgated you.
~Your boss didn't say good morning to you.
~Your coworkers don't appreciate anything you do...
Through out all of that, I was wondering something. "HOW do I forgive?" Well, I have notes on that too!
GRACE!
G: Give it to God. Your problems may be bigger than you, but they certainly aren't too big for God!
R: Remember you have been forgiven.
A: Accept God's teaching. What is God trying to teach you through all the negativity? It can be difficult to see through all of that to see the goodness of God, but it's there.
C: Capture your thoughts. Whenever a negative thought comes to mind, even the ones that won't let you go no matter how much you try to push it away, capture it! And don't just capture it, but find a scripture focus that you can replace it with that is the complete opposite of what that negative/bad thought is. (I may start posting some of the ones I use to get me through the negative thoughts that bombard me.)
E: Experience Freedom. When you have overcome the negative thoughts and the negative people, and have truly forgiven those in your life that have hurt you, you will feel a weight drop off of your shoulders that you may well feel like you could float.
I can tell you, from recent personal experience, that just knowing that I was holding onto unforgiveness for my friend and giving the situation over to God helped me feel like some huge weight had dropped clean off me. The thing about it is that my unforgiveness isn't just a matter of one thing, it's three YEARS of built up crud that I need to work on. Every day I ask God to reveal something about it to me, and, you know what? He never fails to do just that. I have a better understanding today on why exactly I was holding onto a grudge than I did the day I discovered I had it.
One last note before I let this Friday roll.
Forgiveness is not based on merit, it is based on GRACE.
Have a wonderfully blessed weekend my friends! In Him <3
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Moving On
I promise I haven't ignored this site on purpose. A LOT has been going on since I last posted...oh boy...where to start.
I'll start with what I originally started with: The Guy. I'm just going to call him Guy from here on out. Saves me time and trouble (and protects his identity and preserves his privacy).
So, after the "break" that ultimately lasted a little over three weeks (I asked him to contact me when he thought he was ready to talk again), Guy e-mailed me. He said he had discussed "us" with his mentor and his mentor said that Guy should be more focused on God and his walk and getting through the divorce and working out all the emotions that go with that instead of dating. Guy said that his life was boring and lacking in color without me and he wanted me back.
How divided my heart was. I'll be honest, it was nice to hear that. Everyone wants to be missed. Instead of jumping on that chance, I talked to my mentor who is just absolutely amazing. It never fails that if I really need encouragement and pointed in the right direction, this woman is the one to do it. She rarely asks me how I feel (not because she doesn't care, but in matters of bigger picture things - like Guy and direction for my life - they really don't), but she asks me, "Have you prayed about it? What has God told you?"
So I discussed the Guy issue with her over lunch the same day I got the e-mail and she pointed me to God. She told me what she thought would be best for my life and my walk, told me to keep seeking God's desires (by then I had already known that God wanted me to walk away from Guy, but my fleshly desire was to keep him).
The one thing she said that gave me ultimate comfort for my soul is this: "Regardless of what you choose to do, I'm not going anywhere. You are my sister in Christ and I love you and I'll be here for you no matter what." I walked away from that lunch DETERMINED to be obedient to God.
God wanted me to stand up for my principles and values. God wanted me to walk away so He could work on Guy. God showed me that, if I made the decision to take him back, my whole life would be in ruin in three years.
I have never stood up to a guy for my principles and values. I have never walked away from or said no to any guy who has said what Guy said to me in that e-mail, but, most of all, I know I didn't want to destroy what God has so graceously provided for us all for a man.
I wrote him back. I will post what I wrote simply because they are my words and I'm giving myself permission. I will not post what he wrote to me because I do not have his permission. We are no longer in contact. I know that obedience was definitely the right way to go. It hurt because I am your typical average woman who wants a man in her life, but I'm not willing to sacrifice myself for it any more. God is in control. If Guy is not the man meant for me, then God has someone better in mind who is willing to love God more than he loves himself and do things God's way.
Without further ado, my response:
Guy,
I really appreciate your e-mail, but...
As much as I do miss you and care about you, after a lot of prayer and talking to a couple of different people - both of which know my heart and know you aren't a bad guy - I think that I would do you a huge disservice if I consented to getting back together with you.
I can tell you are still hurting from where life has you right now. Me being in your life may feel right, right now, but ultimately, I would hurt your growth more than I would help it.
A lot has gone on in my life over the last 25 days. God has really helped me to understand why the relationship with you was important to my life - because you are one of the best guys I have ever dated. But He has also shown me why it had to end. In His eyes, you are still married. I've been going through a process of lining up my life with what God has for me, and being in a relationship with a man who is still married is not a part of that plan. Being sexually active before marriage is also not something that is lining up with my walk.
As hard as it was for me, over the last 25 days, I have been praying for you. I have been praying that you start the process of grieving for the marriage that is lost as well as your children no longer living with you. I can't imagine how difficult one of those is, let alone both at the same time. I have also been praying that your relationship with Christ grows stronger.
You so clearly seperated me and church in your e-mail. Without church, there is no me. I volunteer as much as I do because that's where God has my heart. I have met some of the most amazing people while serving and I wouldn't give up any of that for a man/woman relationship. I need a man who is active in church to some degree. I need a man who has strong convictions about being the leader of his household. Though you are a leader, and that is totally what drew me to you, there are things that I can't fathom giving a child the option of - like going to church or not - simply to make them happy. I don't always do what makes Gideon happy, but I do what is right. That "right" to me is going to church and allowing him to see me serve my heart out. I'm not his friend, I won't always make him happy, but I love him unconditionally and I lead him to the best of my ability and leave the rest up to God.
I prayed about staying friends with you. I didn't know if that was even an option, but, honestly, I'm not strong enough to set those boundries. We have a past. You were my greatest weakness. Even when I wanted to tell you, "No, I can't see you tonight because I'm exhausted," I didn't. I couldn't tell you no, which is why this e-mail is so difficult for me to write.
I am who I am because of God. I am colorful and outgoing and loving and caring and nourturing because of God. I agree with your mentor. You need to focus on God right now. You need to seek His guidance and be obedient to that. Obedience is something I struggle with because, as you well know, I love physical touch and I really liked the way you touched me, but I can't be the band aide that makes you feel better now for my own happiness. All that will do is make the future that much more difficult on both of us.
This doesn't mean that you can't come back to me in a year and ask me out to lunch, if you have any inclination to do so. What I would like to see for you is the divorce being finalized and you in or having gone through a divorce recovery program and your relationship with God be closer and stronger because of the storm you whethered. I know that this year is my year to grow and align myself with God. It hasn't been easy, and I've even given God an earfull of just how much I think it sucks, but it's for the better. His plan always seems to be better.
I hope you understand where my heart is and why I have had to make this decision. I will continue to pray for you because I know the road ahead is not going to be easy. I hope this isn't good-bye forever, but if it is, I pray that what God has for you in your future is amazing beyond your ability to imagine.
In Him
~Brandy
I'll start with what I originally started with: The Guy. I'm just going to call him Guy from here on out. Saves me time and trouble (and protects his identity and preserves his privacy).
So, after the "break" that ultimately lasted a little over three weeks (I asked him to contact me when he thought he was ready to talk again), Guy e-mailed me. He said he had discussed "us" with his mentor and his mentor said that Guy should be more focused on God and his walk and getting through the divorce and working out all the emotions that go with that instead of dating. Guy said that his life was boring and lacking in color without me and he wanted me back.
How divided my heart was. I'll be honest, it was nice to hear that. Everyone wants to be missed. Instead of jumping on that chance, I talked to my mentor who is just absolutely amazing. It never fails that if I really need encouragement and pointed in the right direction, this woman is the one to do it. She rarely asks me how I feel (not because she doesn't care, but in matters of bigger picture things - like Guy and direction for my life - they really don't), but she asks me, "Have you prayed about it? What has God told you?"
So I discussed the Guy issue with her over lunch the same day I got the e-mail and she pointed me to God. She told me what she thought would be best for my life and my walk, told me to keep seeking God's desires (by then I had already known that God wanted me to walk away from Guy, but my fleshly desire was to keep him).
The one thing she said that gave me ultimate comfort for my soul is this: "Regardless of what you choose to do, I'm not going anywhere. You are my sister in Christ and I love you and I'll be here for you no matter what." I walked away from that lunch DETERMINED to be obedient to God.
God wanted me to stand up for my principles and values. God wanted me to walk away so He could work on Guy. God showed me that, if I made the decision to take him back, my whole life would be in ruin in three years.
I have never stood up to a guy for my principles and values. I have never walked away from or said no to any guy who has said what Guy said to me in that e-mail, but, most of all, I know I didn't want to destroy what God has so graceously provided for us all for a man.
I wrote him back. I will post what I wrote simply because they are my words and I'm giving myself permission. I will not post what he wrote to me because I do not have his permission. We are no longer in contact. I know that obedience was definitely the right way to go. It hurt because I am your typical average woman who wants a man in her life, but I'm not willing to sacrifice myself for it any more. God is in control. If Guy is not the man meant for me, then God has someone better in mind who is willing to love God more than he loves himself and do things God's way.
Without further ado, my response:
Guy,
I really appreciate your e-mail, but...
As much as I do miss you and care about you, after a lot of prayer and talking to a couple of different people - both of which know my heart and know you aren't a bad guy - I think that I would do you a huge disservice if I consented to getting back together with you.
I can tell you are still hurting from where life has you right now. Me being in your life may feel right, right now, but ultimately, I would hurt your growth more than I would help it.
A lot has gone on in my life over the last 25 days. God has really helped me to understand why the relationship with you was important to my life - because you are one of the best guys I have ever dated. But He has also shown me why it had to end. In His eyes, you are still married. I've been going through a process of lining up my life with what God has for me, and being in a relationship with a man who is still married is not a part of that plan. Being sexually active before marriage is also not something that is lining up with my walk.
As hard as it was for me, over the last 25 days, I have been praying for you. I have been praying that you start the process of grieving for the marriage that is lost as well as your children no longer living with you. I can't imagine how difficult one of those is, let alone both at the same time. I have also been praying that your relationship with Christ grows stronger.
You so clearly seperated me and church in your e-mail. Without church, there is no me. I volunteer as much as I do because that's where God has my heart. I have met some of the most amazing people while serving and I wouldn't give up any of that for a man/woman relationship. I need a man who is active in church to some degree. I need a man who has strong convictions about being the leader of his household. Though you are a leader, and that is totally what drew me to you, there are things that I can't fathom giving a child the option of - like going to church or not - simply to make them happy. I don't always do what makes Gideon happy, but I do what is right. That "right" to me is going to church and allowing him to see me serve my heart out. I'm not his friend, I won't always make him happy, but I love him unconditionally and I lead him to the best of my ability and leave the rest up to God.
I prayed about staying friends with you. I didn't know if that was even an option, but, honestly, I'm not strong enough to set those boundries. We have a past. You were my greatest weakness. Even when I wanted to tell you, "No, I can't see you tonight because I'm exhausted," I didn't. I couldn't tell you no, which is why this e-mail is so difficult for me to write.
I am who I am because of God. I am colorful and outgoing and loving and caring and nourturing because of God. I agree with your mentor. You need to focus on God right now. You need to seek His guidance and be obedient to that. Obedience is something I struggle with because, as you well know, I love physical touch and I really liked the way you touched me, but I can't be the band aide that makes you feel better now for my own happiness. All that will do is make the future that much more difficult on both of us.
This doesn't mean that you can't come back to me in a year and ask me out to lunch, if you have any inclination to do so. What I would like to see for you is the divorce being finalized and you in or having gone through a divorce recovery program and your relationship with God be closer and stronger because of the storm you whethered. I know that this year is my year to grow and align myself with God. It hasn't been easy, and I've even given God an earfull of just how much I think it sucks, but it's for the better. His plan always seems to be better.
I hope you understand where my heart is and why I have had to make this decision. I will continue to pray for you because I know the road ahead is not going to be easy. I hope this isn't good-bye forever, but if it is, I pray that what God has for you in your future is amazing beyond your ability to imagine.
In Him
~Brandy
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Mad at God?
Have you ever been frustrated or mad at God? I have. I spent age ten until twenty-five mad at God because He took my grandfather away. Well, that’s what my 10 year old brain processed it as, anyway. My grandfather was the first man I had a close relationship with. It was not that my dad wasn’t in the picture, because he was to a small extent, however he was going to college to become a registered nurse so he could support his family – that being his wife (my mom), my older sister and I.
While my dad was an hour away going to college full-time, my mom worked full time, very long hours, and my grandfather – her dad – would watch us after school. My grandfather and I were very close. He was a loving man, a fair man, and would spend hours cuddling with me when I needed that. On April 1st, 1990, my grandfather went to be with the Lord. He died in his sleep, very peacefully, of a heart attack.
I was a very mad little girl. I blamed God for taking him away from me. Prior to his death, I had dreams of both my dad and my grandfather giving me away at my wedding. When he died, that dream was shattered. He would never meet my children. He would not see me as an adult. And it was all God’s fault.
I now realize how stupid that anger and angst was.
Lately I have been watching “Bruce Almighty”. It is quite a funny movie, even if there is a descent amount of blasphemy involved in the first half of the movie. One of the parts that I keep thinking back to is the part where Bruce is on his way into a giant building that is named “OMNI PRESENTS”. As he is on his way in, he is looking at his surroundings as he walks, not paying attention to where his feet are landing, and he manages to stick a third of his left leg into a hole filled with water. When he pulls it out, he says, “GOD! LOOK! WHAT IS THAT??? What is that????? Gah! Geez! Thank you! Thank you again!” as he is gesturing as though God himself put that puddle there for him to step in.
That makes me wonder how often I do that. How often am I not paying attention and I manage to stick my foot into a pit of mud or water or quicksand, only to look up and blame God for my inability to pay attention. Had Bruce lined up with God’s direction for his life, Bruce would not be in that warehouse district to meet with God to begin with.
That movie also makes me wonder what I would do if I were endowed with God’s powers. From even the smallest amount that I can fathom that – which, I know my human brain is incapable of imagining that kind of power – I know I would not fare any better than Bruce did in that movie. If you have not yet seen that movie, I definitely recommend that you do so. It is pretty funny and it is definitely thought provoking.
I do want to apologize for not posting sooner. This week was the C3 conference at my church and I was being the hands and feet to the best of my human ability, which left me with precious little time for personal anything…like sleep. :)
God bless you in your walk today!
While my dad was an hour away going to college full-time, my mom worked full time, very long hours, and my grandfather – her dad – would watch us after school. My grandfather and I were very close. He was a loving man, a fair man, and would spend hours cuddling with me when I needed that. On April 1st, 1990, my grandfather went to be with the Lord. He died in his sleep, very peacefully, of a heart attack.
I was a very mad little girl. I blamed God for taking him away from me. Prior to his death, I had dreams of both my dad and my grandfather giving me away at my wedding. When he died, that dream was shattered. He would never meet my children. He would not see me as an adult. And it was all God’s fault.
I now realize how stupid that anger and angst was.
Lately I have been watching “Bruce Almighty”. It is quite a funny movie, even if there is a descent amount of blasphemy involved in the first half of the movie. One of the parts that I keep thinking back to is the part where Bruce is on his way into a giant building that is named “OMNI PRESENTS”. As he is on his way in, he is looking at his surroundings as he walks, not paying attention to where his feet are landing, and he manages to stick a third of his left leg into a hole filled with water. When he pulls it out, he says, “GOD! LOOK! WHAT IS THAT??? What is that????? Gah! Geez! Thank you! Thank you again!” as he is gesturing as though God himself put that puddle there for him to step in.
That makes me wonder how often I do that. How often am I not paying attention and I manage to stick my foot into a pit of mud or water or quicksand, only to look up and blame God for my inability to pay attention. Had Bruce lined up with God’s direction for his life, Bruce would not be in that warehouse district to meet with God to begin with.
That movie also makes me wonder what I would do if I were endowed with God’s powers. From even the smallest amount that I can fathom that – which, I know my human brain is incapable of imagining that kind of power – I know I would not fare any better than Bruce did in that movie. If you have not yet seen that movie, I definitely recommend that you do so. It is pretty funny and it is definitely thought provoking.
I do want to apologize for not posting sooner. This week was the C3 conference at my church and I was being the hands and feet to the best of my human ability, which left me with precious little time for personal anything…like sleep. :)
God bless you in your walk today!
Friday, February 11, 2011
Delight
Today I will delight myself in the Lord!
Last night, as I was getting ready for bed, I felt urged to be thankful to God for what He has put in my life. So I thanked Him for my son, for Him coming into my heart, for my job, for my house, for my vehicle, for making me whole and filling in those places that the world likes to tell me I'm not good enough when, truly, I am.
In my quiet time this morning, I came across Isaiah 1:19-20: "If you are willing and obedient, you will eat the good things of the land; but if you resist and rebel, you will be devoured by the sword."
I don't want to be devoured by the sword. Frankly, that sounds painful. I know it isn't necessarily taken in the literal sense. The "sword" could be sexual immorality, overeating, lying, stealing, hatred, anger, jealousy, bitterness, coveting (James 4:1-3 "What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don't they come from your desires that battle within you? You desire but do not have, so you kill. You covet but you cannot get what you want, so you quarrel and fight. You do not have because you do not ask God. When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures.") ....the list could go on. I don't want to be the one that my friends say, "She had so much promise..." or "It's just too bad..."
Today, I stand in victory. Today, I have dominion over the things of the earth instead of the earth having dominion over me. God has restored me and set my feet upon the path HE would have me go.
Have a wonderfully blessed day friends!
Last night, as I was getting ready for bed, I felt urged to be thankful to God for what He has put in my life. So I thanked Him for my son, for Him coming into my heart, for my job, for my house, for my vehicle, for making me whole and filling in those places that the world likes to tell me I'm not good enough when, truly, I am.
In my quiet time this morning, I came across Isaiah 1:19-20: "If you are willing and obedient, you will eat the good things of the land; but if you resist and rebel, you will be devoured by the sword."
I don't want to be devoured by the sword. Frankly, that sounds painful. I know it isn't necessarily taken in the literal sense. The "sword" could be sexual immorality, overeating, lying, stealing, hatred, anger, jealousy, bitterness, coveting (James 4:1-3 "What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don't they come from your desires that battle within you? You desire but do not have, so you kill. You covet but you cannot get what you want, so you quarrel and fight. You do not have because you do not ask God. When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures.") ....the list could go on. I don't want to be the one that my friends say, "She had so much promise..." or "It's just too bad..."
Today, I stand in victory. Today, I have dominion over the things of the earth instead of the earth having dominion over me. God has restored me and set my feet upon the path HE would have me go.
Have a wonderfully blessed day friends!
Friday, February 4, 2011
Transitions
Though it has been icing and snowing here for the last 4 days, I decided to drive my son up to my sister. Actually, she and her family met me at the roller rink a few towns over because they were itching to get out of the house, so it was a convenient place for us to meet. I need a couple of days to not be mom.
This week has been tough on many levels. It has been tough on me personally because of the break-up. I've been praying through it and, honestly, God has shown me WHY it was so necessary - both the actual relationship as well as the break-up. But he has also shown me a great deal about myself through this. Let me just admit right now that it is not all pretty. It's down right uncomfortable, if you want to know the honest truth.
I'm changing. Again. I feel like every time I get to a point where I've gone through the fire and things are finally starting to calm down, another fire is popping up around me. There are days I crawl to God on my face and tell Him it is too much. It is in those times that I am doing exactly what He wants me to do: Be quiet, listen and, most of all, TRUST HIM.
SettingCaptivesFree.com is an amazing website. I do have to retract something I said in an earlier post. They actually do have a course on quitting smoking. Right now I'm working on The Lord's Table to help me deal with a lifetime of overeating. So far I am 21 days into it and I have changed a lot since I started.
A few weeks ago, God revealed to me why I started overeating in the first place. I was in the 2nd grade and I never felt like my parents had time for me. That was right around the time they started telling me, "You should be more like your sister." It seemed that they had endless amounts of time for my sister and their careers and their friends, but when I truly NEEDED to be listened to or just needed their time, they were too busy. I felt a void in my life that nothing seemed to fill.
One night after my parents sent me to bed, I waited 10 minutes so that they could get into whatever television program they were watching and snuck into the kitchen. I crawled onto the counter and got down a box of cookies. I started eating without thought. I couldn't tell you how many I ate, however I can tell you it was probably most of the box. My dad did walk in and catch me, and I scurried off the counter and ran to my room.
He came in and talked to me about it, but didn't really listen to what I needed to say. Every time after that, whenever I felt like I was ignored or pushed aside as much as I could take, I ate. I would save my lunch money that my parents gave me and spend it on junk food at the local gas station. There was a point where I would even steal candy while buying other candy. It was sad.
I grew up eating in secret. My mom taught me that one. She would stop by a gas station or a fast food restaurant on the way to dinner with the family and get something and then she would eat a full meal with the family. Overeating, eating when emotional, and secret eating became my life. Until now.
I'm transitioning into a person that I never knew could exist inside of me. A woman of moderation, if you will. A woman who is living to please God, not just with her actions, but with her body. I am learning to feed on Jesus rather than food to get that soulish fullness that I have been looking for. Dealing with a lot of emotional turmoil surrounding the break up has definitely tested me a great deal. I won't lie and say that I have over come every urge to eat, because I haven't, but I have overcome the desire to eat so much that I feel or make myself sick.
I'm not posting this to lay blame on my parents for my eating disorder. I'm about to be 31 and I think it is high time I grew up and took responsibility for my own actions. I have forgiven my parents for their part in this. They did what they knew to do. I didn't grow up in a Christian household, so this living by faith thing is relatively new if you consider that.
I know that I'm going to fail as a parent in one aspect or another to my son. I am certainly not setting out to do so, but it is inevitable. I can only pray that God will give him the heart to forgive me because I did the best that I could when it is all said and done.
May God richly bless you and yours. Be safe out there. <3
This week has been tough on many levels. It has been tough on me personally because of the break-up. I've been praying through it and, honestly, God has shown me WHY it was so necessary - both the actual relationship as well as the break-up. But he has also shown me a great deal about myself through this. Let me just admit right now that it is not all pretty. It's down right uncomfortable, if you want to know the honest truth.
I'm changing. Again. I feel like every time I get to a point where I've gone through the fire and things are finally starting to calm down, another fire is popping up around me. There are days I crawl to God on my face and tell Him it is too much. It is in those times that I am doing exactly what He wants me to do: Be quiet, listen and, most of all, TRUST HIM.
SettingCaptivesFree.com is an amazing website. I do have to retract something I said in an earlier post. They actually do have a course on quitting smoking. Right now I'm working on The Lord's Table to help me deal with a lifetime of overeating. So far I am 21 days into it and I have changed a lot since I started.
A few weeks ago, God revealed to me why I started overeating in the first place. I was in the 2nd grade and I never felt like my parents had time for me. That was right around the time they started telling me, "You should be more like your sister." It seemed that they had endless amounts of time for my sister and their careers and their friends, but when I truly NEEDED to be listened to or just needed their time, they were too busy. I felt a void in my life that nothing seemed to fill.
One night after my parents sent me to bed, I waited 10 minutes so that they could get into whatever television program they were watching and snuck into the kitchen. I crawled onto the counter and got down a box of cookies. I started eating without thought. I couldn't tell you how many I ate, however I can tell you it was probably most of the box. My dad did walk in and catch me, and I scurried off the counter and ran to my room.
He came in and talked to me about it, but didn't really listen to what I needed to say. Every time after that, whenever I felt like I was ignored or pushed aside as much as I could take, I ate. I would save my lunch money that my parents gave me and spend it on junk food at the local gas station. There was a point where I would even steal candy while buying other candy. It was sad.
I grew up eating in secret. My mom taught me that one. She would stop by a gas station or a fast food restaurant on the way to dinner with the family and get something and then she would eat a full meal with the family. Overeating, eating when emotional, and secret eating became my life. Until now.
I'm transitioning into a person that I never knew could exist inside of me. A woman of moderation, if you will. A woman who is living to please God, not just with her actions, but with her body. I am learning to feed on Jesus rather than food to get that soulish fullness that I have been looking for. Dealing with a lot of emotional turmoil surrounding the break up has definitely tested me a great deal. I won't lie and say that I have over come every urge to eat, because I haven't, but I have overcome the desire to eat so much that I feel or make myself sick.
I'm not posting this to lay blame on my parents for my eating disorder. I'm about to be 31 and I think it is high time I grew up and took responsibility for my own actions. I have forgiven my parents for their part in this. They did what they knew to do. I didn't grow up in a Christian household, so this living by faith thing is relatively new if you consider that.
I know that I'm going to fail as a parent in one aspect or another to my son. I am certainly not setting out to do so, but it is inevitable. I can only pray that God will give him the heart to forgive me because I did the best that I could when it is all said and done.
May God richly bless you and yours. Be safe out there. <3
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